Socially Unacceptable Sentiment

I have always been the peacemaker. I have been the communicator, the negotiator, the compromisor. I have held my tongue to listen to others' needs. I have waited patiently for results. I have accepted effort as a valid currency when results were not forthcoming.

These skills have served me well. They are ingrained now and even if I wish to throw them off I fall back into them once discussion starts. They produce results. They produce... compromise, something to live on until the next time around.

I wish I could throw them off. I wish I could simply reject. I wish I could scream obscenities, storm out and slam the door, give up, betray, hurt where you are most vulnerable. I wish I could go up in flames and burn you so that the scars would last a million years.

My compromise has gained me nothing in the end; my love turned invisible under eyes that take it for granted. If I can't touch you with that love then I wish to leave some sort of a lasting mark.

I will do nothing of the sort, of course. I'm too familiar with regret, I'm too in love, I will never rid myself of my will to please. In a year, or in six months, I will be glad that I have not acted on the flare of emotion that accompanies this time.

It's there, though. Anger, betrayal, the reflex kick of fear, vengeance, jealousy, all that is there.

This is not something one can say in public. It's not something one can show in the middle of the street. It makes me a bad woman, it marks me bad at relationships, you will tell me I must accept and heal and move on. I will accept, and heal, and move on.

But I will feel angry, too. And it will last for a little bit yet.

The Lure Of Normal

Things are abruptly kind-of normalising.

The SO and I talked a bunch. It's scary to write this down, because writing this down is committing, but it's about time I did this. We've agreed that it's time for me to get off my ass and get a job (I hate job search). We move in together in Vancouver ASAP, and I commit to doing useful stuff every day towards at least one of those goals.

We may or may not decide to go our seperate ways after trying out that new configuration.

It's, yes, about time -- past time, whichever, I really don't need anyone to tell me that. I need to stop thinking of this as impossible, I need to break it down into little daily tasks that I can do -- and then, what I didn't do last time, I need to be proud of doing the little daily tasks -- even if they result in failure over and over and over again, because they will.

If I do keep at it they will pay off eventually, right?

So, I'm feeling better now. Before it was an insurmountable conflict with the SO, now there are (albeit hard) things that I can actually do.

He really is a catalyst to bring out the most determined, the best, and the most normal in me.

Potted up my Buddhist Pine and got three out of the deal -- the nursery had lumped a bunch together. Repotted the spider plant, watered the garden but good. Abe Darby is flowering, a really pink bloom compared to those earlier in the year.

Need to feed myself. Need to find the number of the Abby employment center and call them to see if they have something similar in Vancouver.

Need to dig out old resume, retarget it for nurseries; they'll be my first line of attack even if this is a crappy season for it.

I'm going to be silly and eccentric and stick a picture or two of my garden in there with the resume, unless someone has a really good reason not to out there. The kind of place that will be impressed by that is the kind of place I want to work.