Fear Me

I'm turning into a coder. ;)

Okay, most of the people who read this will laugh at that, but today I went onto the game and wanted to do something. After a few moments I couldn't find a command to do it, so I spent an hour and a half coding it up. Then I sort of general-useaged it and stuck it into a permanent command. I'll probably use the command I made a fair bit, too. :P

This instead of roleplaying on there. I'm kind of worried. This isn't like me. ;)

And even worse, see all the smilies?

Freaking Out

I think that's the term for what I'm doing now. I'm doing it very quietly, because to do it loudly would inconvenience the SO.

The safe, peaceful period of quiet reflection is over, at least. Maybe I'll get another one in six months...

What's going on? you ask. I'm having one of those 'move to Siberia and never have another relationship' nights. I'm beginning to suspect I may just need a good long time alone fairly soon. It doesn't feel like I'd like that, but it seems to be the only way to get any sort of calm period.

I find myself looking forward to the commute between here and there tonight, just because it's sure that no issues will come up because there's no way for anyone to contact me while I'm on the road.

Probably a number of the issues I'm worried about coming up at TOH are, guess what? More female stuff, and some assorted other stuff. Mostly I'm worried, on that front, about blame for not taking care of the SO well enough and for not doing the right things or saying the right things because I am upset right now, and have trouble figuring out what other people want or need from me (and sometimes trouble caring) when I feel this way.

I notice if I completely surrender to the feeling of the freak-out (that's the only way I can describe it; there's no one emotion that's coherent enough to name) then I can pretty much act normally and it just bounces around inside of me without spilling out. Kind of... let it exist in the corner of my eye, neither looking right at it or completely away.

I can bend with it, without being overwhelmed, to use another overused metaphor. Necessity is certainly the mother of skill-invention.

Gods, wish I could just fast-forward through the next several months. The SO and I have a lot of work to do - at the moment it needs to start with a commitment to do the work, and go from there. I'm really not looking forward to... well, to the first few weeks whichever that goes, whether we decide it's worth it or not. I really do communicate worse with him than with any of the others by a huge long shot, or rather, we communicate more poorly... I don't -think- I'm doing anything differently, although of course communication needs to be tailored for the audience to be 'good'.

Could you... just wish me luck or something? I need the thought behind that right now.