Man...

...things just do not want to turn out the way I want them to. Surprise there, right?

I will not let this discourage me from continuing to try and ask for what I need before I bleeding-edge need it.

Luckily I have a big store of peace and my own nearby space to compensate for my obsessive need for a feeling of closure. I can wait for the weekend for closure, dammit! Won't kill me. Won't even feel terrible, I think.

It's very important for my closure, though, that everyone out there relax and have fun tonight. Be harmonious, dammit. ;) This means you.

And, be well.

*Crash* (tinkle)

That was the sound of me falling apart.

It's an okay falling apart right now. I've got the luxury of going home and holing up with no telephone for a day or two. I can read. I can clean.

I need a calm, predictable, and stable environment right now and home's the only place I'm going to get it. It's interesting, because the stimulus for this crash is not really very great -- it's just that, coming down as I have from the last long stressful period, I'm just very thin-skinned right now.

My mind's caught in a tight little loop right now. It's telling me: you can't do anything right, you don't do anything right, you only make things worse, you shouldn't be around, you've overstayed your welcome, you can't interact with people at all successfully, go away and hide.

Some of it is true in some distorted sense, some of it not at all, but I think I need some peace and quiet to get a grip on it. The alternative is more processing, and that isn't an option right now - some very definitely more important things supercede it. So, I'm on my own. I can do this, and so I will. I need to remember who I am, why I'm proud of myself, where my values and the important things in my life lie.

I need, I guess, to spend some time with myself -- not busy doing other things, not because everyone else is busy, but because I choose to do things with myself that I like. I can go home and curl up under my covers with a book and some hot chocolate and spend time with myself in the evening -- and that will work. There will be none of this complex negotiating about who feels like doing what or needs to do what else in that amount of time.

Then, when I remember that I can do that, when I've done it for a little while, I'll have a stable base from which to reenter the Wonderful Wacky World of Weird People (tm) whom I all care for very much and like to spend time with.

So, all in all, this is a gentle and controlled fall. It should have good consequences, if no one resents my need for time away (please don't?). I've been doing this sort of thing very seldom, lately, and it does feel good to be doing it again.

When I take myself on dates to new restaurants (and I am always in accord with myself over which ones I want to go to) I can talk to myself without miscommunicating with myself and without arguing with myself, on my own schedule. And it's good. And I think, after my date with myself and my book tonight, that that is exactly what I'll do. And that's good.

Update, sooner or later -- internet won't be around for awhile. Until then, take care. And -- be peaceful.