A Song

By John Millard and Happy Day. Wonderful stuff, especially when I'm going through these waves of panic/displacement/discomfort. So.. calm and sensible? And just a little silly.

The excuse now (and I think it is an 'excuse'... I've been havng these panicky bursts for the last week or so on and off, and never have before. They don't seem to be related to the actual impact of the thing I'm panicking about in all cases) is that they're having some very old friends over at TOH. I'm worried that with them there they neither need nor want me around; I worry that now that the Juggler has a 'real' friend around he'll neither need nor want to interact with me. Interestingly, I'm pretty reassured about TOW, on that last one.

They aren't closeted to these friends, but would rather we weren't there for the first day that the friends were, to get them settled in without weird stuff. I understand this, but it's another (slight) blow at my confidence. Or, not confidence, but I really do just assume that stuff is normal, and when I need to act like it's not I'm left tipping.

I realise that, in life, we do spend some time tipping and swaying and staggering. It's part of it.

I'm also thinking, if that one aspect of me is going to make them so uncomfortable that it should be treated carefully, what are they going to do with the rest of me?

But enough of that. I'm pretty sure those uncertainties will be resolved relatively soon, and different will take their place. Mostly, no doubt, involving a sexual relationship between me and the Juggler. After that? No plans. I'll improvise. ;)

(This is a joke).

Two other notes: after the shave last night, I feel weirdly naked. All this smooth uncovered flesh. It's very strange.

And I realise (belatedly) that I ended up saying quite a bit about TOW and the Juggler last night to the SO's dad during the birthday/Christmas dinner... we stay there a lot, they do and don't like this kind of food, they have these kinds of habits. It was just talking about normal stuff that was on my mind. But! The SO's said that I can come out to his dad (but not his mom, which is easier, because he says he still thinks he's going to do that eventually). I think I'll do that. I never had any weird relatives to come out to, so a step-kinda-relative who might take it strangely is good. I think in this case it might be good, too, just because the way the SO and his dad communicate would make the SO all defensive and the dad all protective/argumentative, when I think whst I'll need to deal with is worry.

Now, the songs:

You could always go...
You could always go
For a ride in your car
You could just say
You'll come back tomorrow.

All the folks at home
They would know you were gone
They would sing you a song
It would last the whole night long
They could tell you were gone
Cause you left the porch light on

You don't have to go
You don't have to go far
Just a little ramble
Out in your car
You could just say
You'll come back tomorrow
You could always go...
You could always go...
You could always go...
For a ride in your car.
You can just say
You'll come back tomorrow...

When you wake in the night
From sorrow and fright
Look straight ahead
And turn on the light
Think of a place you'd rather be
Put on your coat
And grab the key
You could just go
And come back tomorrow...

Are you ready to rise?
Are you ready to go?
Are you ready to shine
And walk out that door?
Are you ready to go
And come back tomorrow
Are you ready to go...
And come back tomorrow?

Just a little bit longer...
Just a little more time
Just a little bit longer
It will all be just fine
You could just say
You'll come back to stay
You'll come back to say
You'll come back tomorrow.

And a fragment of another...

Trust heaven is not far
Our hearts will find a way
Forget not who we are
Good sense will have its day

Take courage for tomorrow;
Mankind will refind peace
Beyond the trace of sorrow
Which clouds the human face
Which clouds the human face...

Contemplation.

Well. I like the friends. I like them a little more, thus far, than just not finding them offensive... and that's a very interesting thing. Interesting because there's a whole social dynamic with 'my' people that, in the end, I'm not sure if I do like. Everyone is still crispy around each other, with edges that are held brittle. I don't know if that's because I don't know them and they haven't seen each other for a long time, or if that's habitual with them. I can see that it can relax eventually, and that makes it okay, but...

...even if that clears up I'm still the one non-computer-programmer, non-magic-player, now in a group of six. It's so strange. Oh, it's strange. I remembered thinking sometime that when I grew up I'd find people like me.

I don't know whether I'd like that or not, when it comes right down to it. I do like these people. I just feel so displaced sometimes.

There's a strange kind of joy to it, of course. It's being tossed around by an alien element, exhilerating, and you need to time your breaths so you don't drown. Life is an alien element in the end, I suppose, and if it's not one thing doing the tossing then it's another.

I kind of wish I had more time to just sit down and talk with someone, though. Esty, you don't happen to have Monday evening free as well, so I can come over very early for the Tuesday meeting? I volunteer until 8:30 up at VanDusen (so if anyone wants to go see the lights, that's the night), and would love somewhere warm and friendly to curl up afterwards.

I was hanging around with someone last night who said of someone she didn't entirely approve of, 'she throws parties where people sit around and talk'. Man, I miss people who sit around and talk.