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Wide Awake and Dreaming
Jun. 11th, 2004 08:01 amFrom 2am onwards this morning I dreamed. It was one of those vaguely symbolic, very meaningful, rather intense dreams: another person and I were in a series of corridors, and one way was freedom and life, and the other way was... corruption, I guess. Words are hard to put to dream concepts. We ran our way out as fast as we could, caught up by another pair who were doing the same thing near the end. There was a lot more to it than that, but it slips so fast, and only the feelings remain.
At the end we got out, came out right near a spring in rural Japan that bubbled into a creek and away. There were people there, and we formed a procession out along the roads to celebrate our victory. Sunny-weather insects flew along with us beside the creek.
It was a very vivid dream. Now, when I wake up, life seems very bleak. I miss companionship. Because of the Juggler's scheduling idiocy, I put off planning things with other people on the off chance I can do things with him. I haven't been keeping up with my friends well. I want to walk in the rain with Estrellada, and I want to go nursery-hopping with _greenwitch_. I would like very much to spend some time with the Juggler, but not at the expense of that.
How can my priorities be so skewed? Why do I set him up as such an important figure in my universe? I love him, but wha he has to give me doesn't warrant this.
What do I get out of treating males this way?
I know I have a harder time believing in the friendship of women. It's a cycle that I am guilty in -- I prioritise male attention more, and so I put my women-friends second on the list, and so I don't see them as much, and so I feel deprioritised.
I've been doing a bunch of that lately. I'd turned over scheduling of dates to the Juggler, and now I feel as if I don't have much say in the dates. That's one of those well, duh things...
Still, bleak, bleak, bleak. It will feel better eventually.
I wish I could think of something new and exciting to do on a Friday night, or at least something close and comforting. I may be looking at a room around 6:30, but after that...
Ahwell. Enough musing, it's time for work. Take care, all of you.
At the end we got out, came out right near a spring in rural Japan that bubbled into a creek and away. There were people there, and we formed a procession out along the roads to celebrate our victory. Sunny-weather insects flew along with us beside the creek.
It was a very vivid dream. Now, when I wake up, life seems very bleak. I miss companionship. Because of the Juggler's scheduling idiocy, I put off planning things with other people on the off chance I can do things with him. I haven't been keeping up with my friends well. I want to walk in the rain with Estrellada, and I want to go nursery-hopping with _greenwitch_. I would like very much to spend some time with the Juggler, but not at the expense of that.
How can my priorities be so skewed? Why do I set him up as such an important figure in my universe? I love him, but wha he has to give me doesn't warrant this.
What do I get out of treating males this way?
I know I have a harder time believing in the friendship of women. It's a cycle that I am guilty in -- I prioritise male attention more, and so I put my women-friends second on the list, and so I don't see them as much, and so I feel deprioritised.
I've been doing a bunch of that lately. I'd turned over scheduling of dates to the Juggler, and now I feel as if I don't have much say in the dates. That's one of those well, duh things...
Still, bleak, bleak, bleak. It will feel better eventually.
I wish I could think of something new and exciting to do on a Friday night, or at least something close and comforting. I may be looking at a room around 6:30, but after that...
Ahwell. Enough musing, it's time for work. Take care, all of you.
