More Poetry

...because everyone's said it better than I have, you know?

This one literally gives me the shivers.

Acknowledgement
When I was lonely
Yor fingers reached for mine, their touch
Natural as sunlight's.

When I was hardened
Your warmness thawed my rock as gently
As music thought.

When I was angry
You smiled: "But this our day is short
For these long shadows."

When I was solemn
You held out laughter, casual as light
For a cigarette.

When I was troubled
Your understanding crossed the bounds of
Words to silence

When I was frightened
Your eyes said: "Fear's a child's dream. I too
Have dreamed and woken."

-A. S. J. Tessimond

The thing about these is, I still can't decide what's up with love. I mean, is there anything approaching any of these romantic ideals that's possible? I know it's not what I want all the time... I like to work for things, I like things that take me and tear effort out of me sometimes, and other times float effortlessly along. Hm. Rambling. But... I don't know. I guess experience (yeah, don't laugh) sort of worries me, my experience and that of other people. It's like, so few people seem to find real pleasure in their relationships. Overall, they seem to be time-sinks, effort-sinks, personality-sinks. I like my personality! I'm keeping it. I'm willing to compromise on things, but not on me. I know that finding the line there is a difficult one sometimes, cause I'm stubborn. But what I don't know is whether something can survive on the compromise I'm willing to give, or if I can survive on the compromise which leaves someone else a healthy human being.

Mind, this is all ambient before-need worrying. Nothing's come up yet. It is a pattern in my relationships, though, maybe? I don't know.

This is all so trite, because I'm busy being in love. The concepts are... well, I'm always a concept-complicator anyhow. I know people who are simplifiers, and they amaze me. Everything seems so easy, you know? This and this are thus, and the decisions are clear. Granted, that sort of thing may not always lead to -good- discussions...

Oh, for the record, I've decided to climb out of 'oldest child in an abusive relationship syndrome'. I've done enough intuiting and guilt-tripping over things that other peoplpe don't ask of me. I have a wonderful set of people around me now (Estry, Troy & Nina, Chris, my mom, especially you guys!) who've been coming out and asking for what they need from me recently. Estry and Troy around the move/householding stuff, especially, are really strengthening my confidence that if you need something you will ask me and so I should be considerate, yes, but I don't need to go out of my way and get jumpy to accommodate people for things they haven't asked for. What a concept! Whee! I'm not very good at being irresponsible, but I think if I can be just ordinary garden-variety responsible then I'll be able to carry out more of what I really should be doing and what I want to be doing, rather than retreating from the world.

And... to anyone who's ever asked for something they needed, and to anyone who ever does in the future, thank you. It means something to me.

Hm. Lots to say, actually. I'm reading a book called Things Fall Apart by Chinua Achebe which everyone should read. It starts out as a really sly, oblique sort of narrative, and it's solidifying now into something very coherent. It's really... it's got atmosphere. It's charming. The characters are beautiful and simply described. I love the language. Read it, dammit!

I'm also trying to find a copy of Zodiac for Chris to read. Anyone wanna do a used-bookstore crawl sometime?

I keep forgetting to put this down, because I'm really terrible at saying thank you when I actually mean it, but my move went so smoothly, and it was entirely thanks to Troy and Nina. Um... I haven't had a bad move yet, so I know I'm not properly appreciative, but it just flowed, got done in one day, they helped do the spatial-stuff to get everything packed and, of course, Troy drove... anyhow, such a positive moving experience. And now, home feels like home, even if I'm not unpacked into it. My only trouble is 1) never being home (I'm almost sure I'm going to get a cellphone or pager) and 2) I may need to see if I can replace a bed with Mark's fishtank, because he's !!!giving away his hundredish gallon cichlid tank w/ occupants and filter!!!! and that's so cool. So cool. The only question is whether there's another place for that bed... and Troy and Nina are looking for another roommate for the house, since a son moved out. So, maybe it can fit... anyhow, need to talk to them about it. But: good move, good home, possible fish!

I see the Juggler tonight, which will be a touch odd. I've seen him about once since the start of this new relationship-- he doesn't seem to need much in the way of protective snuggling/reassurance-- and because all this stuff in my own life has rushed forward building these new bits, I can hardly remember...

I also saw Kynnin the other day for a bit. It was nice. It gets me to wondering if there's any way we can figure out a friendship, but there's time for that, I guess. There's so much familiarity and shared past there, it's amazing.

Actually, Monday I was pretty much surrounded by pretty boys all day long. Was it Monday? I went to my actor-client's place and chatted with him a bit, I did some mutual staring with someone cute who had a bike on the bus, I had dinner with Kynnin, I did the photo stuff with Ray (who had his hair down), I came 'home' to Chris... I don't know. I'm appreciative. :) Nopt hungry/reaching/devouring/posessing, just appreciative. I like pretty things.

Um... hm, it's later than I thought it was. I'm off. T'care.