My Own Voice

is weak, or busy, and so I use the voices of others...

...And she only sleeps when it's raining
And she screams and her voice is straining

She says baby
It's 3 am I must be lonely
When she says baby
Well I can't help but be scared of it all sometimes
Says the rain's gonna wash away I believe it

Matchbox 20.

I had an odd night. There were lots of wonderful dreams about Chris, and it was a beautiful evening. Juggler was 'free' tonight (ie. unoccupied with other females through their design, so he needs to spend no energy to unoccupy himself with them to see me), but he's working late for these next two weeks *till 9pm!) and hadn't planned anything with me beforehand. So, I talked to him at 8:30 and had to decline an offer to hang out; well, I didn't have to, but I was comfortably ensconced and promised here and I did need to get up in the morning.

So I missed him, a lot, and I remember that part of poly for me is sometimes being perfectly happy with someone and missing somsone else at the same time. It's a terrible feeling, really.

I'm so afraid that it isn't going to work out with Juggler. Understand, I love him, but I'd rather get missing him all over with in a single quick blow than this prolonged less-time and less-time thing.

I realised something else, about my 'breakup' with Kynnin, which is that it was never official. That is, I was walking towards my doorstep and I had the sudden realisation that we'd never 'ended' it, instead he'd said, I need some time, and I'd said, call me when you're ready... and my best guess, without talking to him, is that it's changed to I'll never call you. On the one hand, sure, whatever, if it's understood between us who cares. On the other hand, it hasn't helped my abandonment fears abotu people saying we'll spend time together 'later' any. I'd been working on it, and they'd got better and then worse again, and I think that's probably why.

Bah. Enough of this. Back to bed for half an hour or so.