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Oct. 28th, 2004
Greatpoets tells me...
Oct. 28th, 2004 08:10 pmBy Richard Brautigan
Spinning like a ghost
on the bottom of a
top,
I'm haunted by all
the space that I
will live without
you.
REM tells me, on the new CD I have:
The concrete broke your fall
To hear you speak of it
I'd have done anything
I would do anything
I feel like the cartoon brick wall
To hear you speak of it...
You've been so sad
It makes me worry
Why not smile?
You've been sad for awhile.
Why not smile?
I would do anything
To hear you speak of it
Why not smile?
Spinning like a ghost
on the bottom of a
top,
I'm haunted by all
the space that I
will live without
you.
REM tells me, on the new CD I have:
The concrete broke your fall
To hear you speak of it
I'd have done anything
I would do anything
I feel like the cartoon brick wall
To hear you speak of it...
You've been so sad
It makes me worry
Why not smile?
You've been sad for awhile.
Why not smile?
I would do anything
To hear you speak of it
Why not smile?
...here's my problem with life.
I want to build things. I want to make great, beautiful structures; giant webs of lives that are strubg between the beautiful moments, light and dark, which come when we interact with ourselves, with our environment, with others. I want my pattern in this web to contribute to its beauty, to its meaningfulness, to the bright bits if I can.
I build my patterns. They're beautiful. I like them. I'm happy with them. Then things disappear.
What's the Mona Lisa with a big hole in it? Or... the I don't know, what's Falling Water or the Eiffel Tower with big holes beign made? Structurally unsound, that's what they are.
So is my life supposed to be a constant creation of stuff in spite of? Is it supposed to be constantly trying to stay a step ahead of the destruction and disappearance and hoping that maybe I can gain?
I'm not happy with that. I want to make things and have them stay. I know so many people want things to last beyond them, and that'd be great, but what I want is a structure that will last my lifetime.
I'm beginning to think, more and more, that you just don't get that. I have fundamental issues with this kind of change. I don't know, I can accept the ...morality if you like, of a relationship that ends in screaming fire, or one that ends in a mutually spoken decision. But...
...you know, on the polyamory forum awhile back there was a post that was pretty ridiculed, by someone who said that if you truly love someone they have to love you back. Sure, they don't.
What may be heartbreaking is that if two people love each other they may not be able to love in compatible ways. But... what the fuck, right? I mean, we're people who can make decisions about our actions and whatnot, and so that should catapault it back into a mutual decision. I love you but...
The thing is that if you can have a mutually comprehensible discussion like that, you're probably compatible, right? :P There is something so wrong with that. There's something wrong with the idea that all endings have to be bad. So... I don't know. I'm lost here.
I scrubbed some kitchen shelves for Linnea today, after that post. Paul smiled and gave me a hug, while the painter who was there too told me that God wasn't a being, but was just love, and that if we loved things enough (love being our natural state) then we would feel 'free as the air'. I went to my IUD checkup, and everything is fine (the strings are getting softer in there). I ran a movie back to the store and ran into a friend of Chris', who has a rather radiant smile, and oddly I made conversation with him.
I fight so hard against the structure of my old life falling completely away. I fight against losing Juggler forever, against anything there seriously changing. I fight to keep the game in my life, which has really been in it for so long. I fight to wander the streets in the rain, to go running as I did this morning and feel the pain in the centre of my throat that tells me I haven't been using my lungs lately. I fight to keep doing things that I've done in the past, and to keep being that person.
Awhile ago I thought my life was about graceful bowing to inevitability. I'm not graceful now; I don't know what's inevitable. I guess now is the point where I sit back and think about what I want my life to look like. I guess now is the point where I take control of the change, rather than struggling with it peacemeal and getting something out of it that isn't a whole pattern but is instead a random jumble of parts.
Maybe if I take control of the rebirthing process, I can keep the most valuable of the old?
Wow. I've almost talked myself into feeling calm and hopeful.
*smile*
I want to build things. I want to make great, beautiful structures; giant webs of lives that are strubg between the beautiful moments, light and dark, which come when we interact with ourselves, with our environment, with others. I want my pattern in this web to contribute to its beauty, to its meaningfulness, to the bright bits if I can.
I build my patterns. They're beautiful. I like them. I'm happy with them. Then things disappear.
What's the Mona Lisa with a big hole in it? Or... the I don't know, what's Falling Water or the Eiffel Tower with big holes beign made? Structurally unsound, that's what they are.
So is my life supposed to be a constant creation of stuff in spite of? Is it supposed to be constantly trying to stay a step ahead of the destruction and disappearance and hoping that maybe I can gain?
I'm not happy with that. I want to make things and have them stay. I know so many people want things to last beyond them, and that'd be great, but what I want is a structure that will last my lifetime.
I'm beginning to think, more and more, that you just don't get that. I have fundamental issues with this kind of change. I don't know, I can accept the ...morality if you like, of a relationship that ends in screaming fire, or one that ends in a mutually spoken decision. But...
...you know, on the polyamory forum awhile back there was a post that was pretty ridiculed, by someone who said that if you truly love someone they have to love you back. Sure, they don't.
What may be heartbreaking is that if two people love each other they may not be able to love in compatible ways. But... what the fuck, right? I mean, we're people who can make decisions about our actions and whatnot, and so that should catapault it back into a mutual decision. I love you but...
The thing is that if you can have a mutually comprehensible discussion like that, you're probably compatible, right? :P There is something so wrong with that. There's something wrong with the idea that all endings have to be bad. So... I don't know. I'm lost here.
I scrubbed some kitchen shelves for Linnea today, after that post. Paul smiled and gave me a hug, while the painter who was there too told me that God wasn't a being, but was just love, and that if we loved things enough (love being our natural state) then we would feel 'free as the air'. I went to my IUD checkup, and everything is fine (the strings are getting softer in there). I ran a movie back to the store and ran into a friend of Chris', who has a rather radiant smile, and oddly I made conversation with him.
I fight so hard against the structure of my old life falling completely away. I fight against losing Juggler forever, against anything there seriously changing. I fight to keep the game in my life, which has really been in it for so long. I fight to wander the streets in the rain, to go running as I did this morning and feel the pain in the centre of my throat that tells me I haven't been using my lungs lately. I fight to keep doing things that I've done in the past, and to keep being that person.
Awhile ago I thought my life was about graceful bowing to inevitability. I'm not graceful now; I don't know what's inevitable. I guess now is the point where I sit back and think about what I want my life to look like. I guess now is the point where I take control of the change, rather than struggling with it peacemeal and getting something out of it that isn't a whole pattern but is instead a random jumble of parts.
Maybe if I take control of the rebirthing process, I can keep the most valuable of the old?
Wow. I've almost talked myself into feeling calm and hopeful.
*smile*
