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Okay, that has nothing to do with it. Angyhow, first: http://www.theregister.co.uk/2005/05/18/vibrating_knickers/ I want a pair. Wonder if they ship from the UK?
Now, the harder stuff.
I've been feeling pretty down for the last few days. Whether this is lack of sunlight, of sleep, not working so much, eating badly, hormones, whatever, I guess it doesn't matter too much. I just have been.
I'm feeling, in a large part, lonely, I think. I'm doing a bunch of stuff I've been sorta looking forward to all my life (my own greenhouse, oh my GOD, I've been waiting over a decade for this; going back to school; getting some work at this interior landscaping place) and no one really seems to care, or maybe not even to know they're important to me (as in, I've got no 'hey, I know you really wanted that' sort of feedback).
Again, as I did last time I was out of a serious relationship, I feel the need for someone I can call and just talk about stuff to whenever. I don't have anyone like that, with the time and commitment to listen not necessarily all the time, but enough. I guess I also need to trust them to be able to talk about stuff, and the circle of people I do trust to say pretty much everything to is beginning to be impossibly small.
The greenhouse has been going amazingly, as in, the ground back there is level and ready for the compost dump, though I hope to get a supporting wall up there for the edge of the bed before Friday (that leaves... tomorrow). My roommate's been really helpful with that. Weirdly, as I was saying, 'here, take this pick, the end isn't loose, and when you have time hold this level for me' he said I was really assertive, which he said was cool to see in a girl. I definitely don't self-identify as assertive, but maybe the business and the fact that we were gardening (my turf) came into play.
I may be going to meet up with someone from the lj gardening community and swap some tomato plants, which is very exciting. Someone else who grows a bunch of different tomatoes! Woot!
I've taken some pictures of the rats with Juggler's camera, but he neglected to give me the battery charger or whatever for it, so I need to get that off him before I can take more.
I talked to Juggler a little bit about feeling disconnected from him, since he reads my lj daily, never comments, but I never hear from him except on dates. He seemed to make a bit of an effort to call more often and stuff, and that was pretty nice. This is a bit of a biting-its-tail post, I guess; he offered at one point to be someone to talk to more often, and I declined because I didn't think he could do it (he tended, in the past, to have multiple date-nights per week when I couldn't talk to him on the phone). It was really nice of him, and it hurts me now, somehow. Maybe it will evlve organically? But I know, too, that he simply cannot meet all my relationship needs in his current situation, and may never be able to do so.
The thing is, it isn't really a relationship I'm looking for, right now. I mean, I think having relationships tends to make me pursue something from the relationship that I shouldn't get that way. To some extent, lately, I've been bobbing up and down, up when I'm more social, down when I'm less. I've been doing a lot of superficial social contact. Before, I did lots of really deep emotional contact. I'm still reaching for something, though.
I know that when I have absolutely no social contact, I'm happy. I get kinda lost within myself, but I'm happy. I know how... how to say this? To set aside the emotional energy to give myself what I need. Instead of looking to myself when there are people around, though, I look to other people for intimacy *first*. Generally they haven't been willing or able to provide that, but I get stuck in looking for it fro other people anyhow.
I haven't been good at either going on to find other people who *can* provide, or at stopping looking to them and taking care of myself first.
Oh, blah, it's all going fuzzy now. Nevermind.
Now, the harder stuff.
I've been feeling pretty down for the last few days. Whether this is lack of sunlight, of sleep, not working so much, eating badly, hormones, whatever, I guess it doesn't matter too much. I just have been.
I'm feeling, in a large part, lonely, I think. I'm doing a bunch of stuff I've been sorta looking forward to all my life (my own greenhouse, oh my GOD, I've been waiting over a decade for this; going back to school; getting some work at this interior landscaping place) and no one really seems to care, or maybe not even to know they're important to me (as in, I've got no 'hey, I know you really wanted that' sort of feedback).
Again, as I did last time I was out of a serious relationship, I feel the need for someone I can call and just talk about stuff to whenever. I don't have anyone like that, with the time and commitment to listen not necessarily all the time, but enough. I guess I also need to trust them to be able to talk about stuff, and the circle of people I do trust to say pretty much everything to is beginning to be impossibly small.
The greenhouse has been going amazingly, as in, the ground back there is level and ready for the compost dump, though I hope to get a supporting wall up there for the edge of the bed before Friday (that leaves... tomorrow). My roommate's been really helpful with that. Weirdly, as I was saying, 'here, take this pick, the end isn't loose, and when you have time hold this level for me' he said I was really assertive, which he said was cool to see in a girl. I definitely don't self-identify as assertive, but maybe the business and the fact that we were gardening (my turf) came into play.
I may be going to meet up with someone from the lj gardening community and swap some tomato plants, which is very exciting. Someone else who grows a bunch of different tomatoes! Woot!
I've taken some pictures of the rats with Juggler's camera, but he neglected to give me the battery charger or whatever for it, so I need to get that off him before I can take more.
I talked to Juggler a little bit about feeling disconnected from him, since he reads my lj daily, never comments, but I never hear from him except on dates. He seemed to make a bit of an effort to call more often and stuff, and that was pretty nice. This is a bit of a biting-its-tail post, I guess; he offered at one point to be someone to talk to more often, and I declined because I didn't think he could do it (he tended, in the past, to have multiple date-nights per week when I couldn't talk to him on the phone). It was really nice of him, and it hurts me now, somehow. Maybe it will evlve organically? But I know, too, that he simply cannot meet all my relationship needs in his current situation, and may never be able to do so.
The thing is, it isn't really a relationship I'm looking for, right now. I mean, I think having relationships tends to make me pursue something from the relationship that I shouldn't get that way. To some extent, lately, I've been bobbing up and down, up when I'm more social, down when I'm less. I've been doing a lot of superficial social contact. Before, I did lots of really deep emotional contact. I'm still reaching for something, though.
I know that when I have absolutely no social contact, I'm happy. I get kinda lost within myself, but I'm happy. I know how... how to say this? To set aside the emotional energy to give myself what I need. Instead of looking to myself when there are people around, though, I look to other people for intimacy *first*. Generally they haven't been willing or able to provide that, but I get stuck in looking for it fro other people anyhow.
I haven't been good at either going on to find other people who *can* provide, or at stopping looking to them and taking care of myself first.
Oh, blah, it's all going fuzzy now. Nevermind.
