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Jul. 12th, 2005
The Wheel Turns.
Jul. 12th, 2005 11:25 pmToday I ducked out of my responsibilities and went to Chris' for breakfast, which turned into Wreck Beach and wandering through the water and lying in the sand with Beth. This is the first time in forever I've been in the ocean and it wasn't too cold. I had forgotten how salty it is.
I was trying to escape inevitability, which was sitting there on my computer screen when I came home. So:
Episode, today, triggered by Kynnin, standard hour-and-a-half long. Juggler talked me through it. It didn't make it shorter or faster, it seems. I really appreciate his care during it, but in the end I don't think it makes a difference.
My roommates asked me to dinner tonight, and I cleaned up my face and went down and joined them. It was nice -- I've never had strawberry wine before, and I have an odd scrambled feeling when I drink it, half dessert-y, half wine-y.
I've had an unprecedentedly long period of peace, as I was noting before. This may be simply me laying back and enjoying the ability to be comfortable. I may need to push a little now, though, to tie things up before they strangle me.
You wanna know a secret about me? I love you. I love people who listen to my voice here, who witness my stuff. When I was very young I believed that the only real God there needed to be was the watcher, the chronicaler, someone who by observing an event made it real. Times have changed that, a little, but I write this because I still believe that a record, and impression on the flickers of electricity that make up the internet's brain or a human's, that those electric responses have meaning in some sort of a deep way. I'm not out for understanding, for sympathy, for shared experiences - those are a cool bonus - I'm out for these words registered somewhere, and the thing that registers them draws love from me like thread from an endless spool.
That doesn't make sense, but it's late, and I've had a rough day. Well, a long day, at least. I seem to be chained to my past beyond expectations, and I want to lunge into the future. I need to learn how to stay here. Here. Here. In each second as I live it, that's where I need to be.
And, this second, I'm tired and going to sleep. Be well, all.
I was trying to escape inevitability, which was sitting there on my computer screen when I came home. So:
Episode, today, triggered by Kynnin, standard hour-and-a-half long. Juggler talked me through it. It didn't make it shorter or faster, it seems. I really appreciate his care during it, but in the end I don't think it makes a difference.
My roommates asked me to dinner tonight, and I cleaned up my face and went down and joined them. It was nice -- I've never had strawberry wine before, and I have an odd scrambled feeling when I drink it, half dessert-y, half wine-y.
I've had an unprecedentedly long period of peace, as I was noting before. This may be simply me laying back and enjoying the ability to be comfortable. I may need to push a little now, though, to tie things up before they strangle me.
You wanna know a secret about me? I love you. I love people who listen to my voice here, who witness my stuff. When I was very young I believed that the only real God there needed to be was the watcher, the chronicaler, someone who by observing an event made it real. Times have changed that, a little, but I write this because I still believe that a record, and impression on the flickers of electricity that make up the internet's brain or a human's, that those electric responses have meaning in some sort of a deep way. I'm not out for understanding, for sympathy, for shared experiences - those are a cool bonus - I'm out for these words registered somewhere, and the thing that registers them draws love from me like thread from an endless spool.
That doesn't make sense, but it's late, and I've had a rough day. Well, a long day, at least. I seem to be chained to my past beyond expectations, and I want to lunge into the future. I need to learn how to stay here. Here. Here. In each second as I live it, that's where I need to be.
And, this second, I'm tired and going to sleep. Be well, all.