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Aug. 17th, 2005
Sex w/ Exclamation Mark
Aug. 17th, 2005 06:40 pmThis isn't a post about who did who with what. It's a post about the fact that, after years of what I understand now to be chemical sterilisation not just in fact but in metaphor, sex has become a thing that I am rather than a thing that I do, and especially it has become a thing that I am rather than a thing that I do for something from anyone.
My body is cyclic now; it's not that my body is like a young girl's and my moods are cyclic. Instead, my nipples grow into huge protruding things and shrink, they grow very sore and sensitive and fall back into not-sore and sensitive-- who knew I had nerves there? My level of desire rises and falls, my belly rounds and flattens. I've always been a big fan of lube and slippery during sex; the former is no longer necessary for the latter sometimes. The shape of my interior changes, cycling sharp and then more diffuse, and different pressures draw different reactions. The way I taste and the way I smell change. With all these body-changes, all these desire-changes and sensation-changes, my sense of identity and equinamity remain relatively stable. Sad or not, lonely or not (and really, more often not) I keep myself as my own rock at the centre of the universe, my thing that though it fluctuates ends up always there where I need it and solid for a handhold.
I can recieve now from somewhere below my belly-button, and also give; not just follow physical actions and physical pleasure or search after some emotional holy grail of belonging or love or acceptance, but encompass some deep thing which is not desire (the wanting-of something) but which is the thing itself (the immersing-in something); I can dive headfirst into this thing called erotic and I don't need to bring air with me but instead can breathe in the element which surrounds me. This is the pure mental enjoyment of the idea of the sex I am currently having; I have not had it before. This is the pure enjoyment of myself as a sexual being, not because I do this or because it's in that context, but simply because it is.
All this brought to you by my noticing that now, over a year off hormonal birth control and onto a copper IUD, at 24 years of age, I finally have a grown-up woman's nipples.
My body is cyclic now; it's not that my body is like a young girl's and my moods are cyclic. Instead, my nipples grow into huge protruding things and shrink, they grow very sore and sensitive and fall back into not-sore and sensitive-- who knew I had nerves there? My level of desire rises and falls, my belly rounds and flattens. I've always been a big fan of lube and slippery during sex; the former is no longer necessary for the latter sometimes. The shape of my interior changes, cycling sharp and then more diffuse, and different pressures draw different reactions. The way I taste and the way I smell change. With all these body-changes, all these desire-changes and sensation-changes, my sense of identity and equinamity remain relatively stable. Sad or not, lonely or not (and really, more often not) I keep myself as my own rock at the centre of the universe, my thing that though it fluctuates ends up always there where I need it and solid for a handhold.
I can recieve now from somewhere below my belly-button, and also give; not just follow physical actions and physical pleasure or search after some emotional holy grail of belonging or love or acceptance, but encompass some deep thing which is not desire (the wanting-of something) but which is the thing itself (the immersing-in something); I can dive headfirst into this thing called erotic and I don't need to bring air with me but instead can breathe in the element which surrounds me. This is the pure mental enjoyment of the idea of the sex I am currently having; I have not had it before. This is the pure enjoyment of myself as a sexual being, not because I do this or because it's in that context, but simply because it is.
All this brought to you by my noticing that now, over a year off hormonal birth control and onto a copper IUD, at 24 years of age, I finally have a grown-up woman's nipples.
And Then More!
Aug. 17th, 2005 07:53 pmAlright, I know that a sexuality post plus a post about homegrown-tomato BLTs on the same day is a bit much. But, as inspired by http://forums.gardenweb.com/forums/load/tomato/msg080950482201.html?77 , I'm gonna have me two organic bacon BLTs tonight for dinner. One will be made with Sungolds, one with roommate-variety early-girls.
Next week, I'll have ripe Black Plum tomatoes, which will put me in heaven prematurely.
Next week, I'll have ripe Black Plum tomatoes, which will put me in heaven prematurely.