Fall and Halloween

I've been on a cooking kick in the last little while. On my way home from work yesterday I stopped on the Drive and got ingredients for vegan pea soup (even to a teaspoon of cumin and six bay leaves, I love buying bulk). Total cost: $3. I have a *lot* of soup, perhaps two gallons, unless my roommates have eaten it. Then, this morning, I got up and made breakfast. How novel, cooking before noon on a workday! It's potstickers, but still.

Then I walked home from Broadway station. That's right, not from Renfrew. It's a lovely, lovely walk through back alleys (I always walk through back alleys) and I took the time to talk to myself and randomly inhabit my own brain, something I haven't done while at home lately because at home there is always so much to do. Forecrackers started going off at 4:30, which scared me. Apparently in other places, lighting off exploding things constantly isn't a big part of Halloween?

I'm having a lot of trouble settling into myself this fall. The dark is assaulting me; I can't sleep; I've no routine. Hopefully that will change now that the job switchover is nearly complete, and I mdo have even more routine than I had before-- up and at work for 10:30, in uniform, bring the notebook. I do love my uniform, all earthtones with pointy things in the pockets. I need a toolbelt to go with it.

Anyhow, I'm at least not unhappy. I'll be around.

AAAARRRRGGGHHH

This day is the culmination of weeks of cascading failures. I thought I had it in hand, but two full skytrains this morning led to the straw that broke the camel's back. I am not in a good mood. I want to kill things. I am going to walk down to Broadway station again just for kicks, and because when you're walking on the street you are alone, alone, alone.

Yes, this is intense PMS. I can feel the incipient cramps like ghost butterflies in my abdomen. Yes, this is day 2 of my official career change, my official status change (business owner to employee), yes, it's fall and getting darker, yes, yes, yes there are excuses, yes things will be better in the morning, but ye gods!

I'm not sure what feeling like an adult is supposed to feel like. I don't feel competent. I feel like a lens that magnifies all the little mess-ups and slow-downs around me into one huge catastrophe. I don't even feel like I can hide under my bed, even now when everything is straightened up, and make it better that way. I'd just sit under there feeling guilty, and feeling ashamed.

I can't even come right out and say what it was I messed up on today, because I have capital-I issues with this one particular subject. I can't go to my mom and say, "I wanna fix myself around this, help me" because where do you think I got these issues? I don't want to go to the Juggler for that, because, fuck! It's not his job to fix me. He's my boyfriend, not my crutch.

Gaaaaaah.