![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
Dec. 21st, 2005
Some pretty intense things have been happening in my life lately, as documented in previous posts. There's stuff I haven't told you about too, stuff like retread of the sort of poly stuff I haven't done for years and sometimes suck at, stuff like intensely mind-altering sexual situations, stuff like emotional entanglements rather than merely emotional brushes-past, stuff like shifting certainties and temporary abandonments and new responsibilities.
My vulnerabilities are close to the surface.
I'm not breakable in the conventional sense, but I am raw, uncovered, less protected. I've been so immensely confident for so long, and admittedly still am, that this idea that people might touch and twine with me in a way risky to me shakes me.
I'm not taking the care of myself that I should be. I'm eating okay, but adding too much junk (I get offered caffeine, chocolate, or sugar seven or more times a day at work, and accept too often). I'm not sleeping. I'm not spending time on my own, and I'm checking in with other people, worrying about their well-being, instead of my own. In short, all my recent bad habits and all my serious relationship bad habits are showing up together.
It's early yet, and that's why there's not so much in the way of bad effects yet. Already, though, I'm too out of touch with myself to be able to make decisions, defaulting to situational choices rather than the choices I want to make. I'm clingy and a bit insecure. I dissociate with ease, and end up with my mind far away.
This is solstice. It's a good time to find the dark things, remember them, and send them on their way. Here it is, then, my fear and guilt acknowledged. Here it is, then, still a part of me but shouldered more lightly for the acceptance of it.
My vulnerabilities are close to the surface.
I'm not breakable in the conventional sense, but I am raw, uncovered, less protected. I've been so immensely confident for so long, and admittedly still am, that this idea that people might touch and twine with me in a way risky to me shakes me.
I'm not taking the care of myself that I should be. I'm eating okay, but adding too much junk (I get offered caffeine, chocolate, or sugar seven or more times a day at work, and accept too often). I'm not sleeping. I'm not spending time on my own, and I'm checking in with other people, worrying about their well-being, instead of my own. In short, all my recent bad habits and all my serious relationship bad habits are showing up together.
It's early yet, and that's why there's not so much in the way of bad effects yet. Already, though, I'm too out of touch with myself to be able to make decisions, defaulting to situational choices rather than the choices I want to make. I'm clingy and a bit insecure. I dissociate with ease, and end up with my mind far away.
This is solstice. It's a good time to find the dark things, remember them, and send them on their way. Here it is, then, my fear and guilt acknowledged. Here it is, then, still a part of me but shouldered more lightly for the acceptance of it.