From Estry and Silverseastar
What did you ache for this year? What heart's longing did you dare to dream about?
This year, until very recently, has been remarkably free of ache. My life, each moment and each day, is a fulfillment of itself. It leaves few empty places, and an appreciation that empty places are a sanctuary and a type of peace rather than a void to run from. Even sadness is a solid thing for me, a piece of ground that I can stamp on without worry that I'll fall through into some sort of helpless freefall.
I always dream, but I try to keep from being too attached to my dreams. Life always surprises me in ways better than I can imagine on my own. I suppose I could answer this, truthfully, by saying that I'm dreaming now of some sort of a realistic lifetime full-time romantic partnership eventually. Scary, no?
When were you foolish? What inspired you to act the fool?
I'm often foolish. I would say that it generally turns out well. It was a foolish thing to choose the ghost of Kynnin over the actual presence of CrazyChris, though one can't fault the outcome. I was inspired by backwards-dreaming, by my love of familiarity, by a dislike of change, by the tendancy to look more at could-haves than haves.
What pain filled you and what did you do with it? What pain did you witness and what comfort did you provide?
Life is pain; it does fill me sometimes, and the death of Merlyn and Small and Caramel is up there, the death of Zetral/Josh, the final recognition of the end of my relationship with Kynnin and the necessary acceptance that it does take two people to hold something like that up and so I can never be dead certain of a relationship (because I can never hold it up alone, and I cannot control others)-- that was painful, melancholy, it hurt. I've had a lot of growing pain too, shedding bits of myself that were not good buyt that I was attached to. It feels good now, of course.
I witnessed a fair bit of pain, this year, but it was all contextually balanced. There was pain in my friends/family, my loved ones, Tillie and CrazyChris and Juggler all went through hard times, and it shows on them in different ways. I like to think that the comfort I provide is the same I recieve from these people, which is a different thing for each. Sometimes I am a fuzzy blanket, sometimes a distraction, sometimes a reminder of perspective, sometimes a stable anchor, sometimes a flash of beauty or closeness or love. One hopes one has this power; sometimes it's hard to see.
What joy filled you this year? What made you feel the most ecstatic, the most wild? What kept you from feeling that way more often?
Life is joy. Where should I look, that I wouldn't see any? It's not a wild year for me, it's a year of living within myself rather than being flung up into the heavens, mostly. I like to be here, pulling the wonder of the world into myself, rather than going up and out and away into those wild swinging flights up and down. Here are joys, though: the ache of muscles, the feeling of my body as an expression of music, kisses that draw blood, the texture and scent of skin and hair, a bucketfull of flower petals, rain on my skin and sun on my skin, a glimpse of the city from a place no one else goes, heavy boots, a familiar bed, new babies, other people's human babies, discovering commonalities, a social circle coalescing almost in spite of myself, my family which is bigger now than ever, a greenhouse, the centre of a cedar board coming visible under a saw for the first time, food food and more food, full awareness of my skin, the feeling of the top of my head opening up during a play piercing, wriggling my toes in warm water, the ocean and again the ocean and again the ocean-- swimming and bouncing on the zodiac in a storm and taking the big boat downriver, the leaves on the trees which I can see each one seperate, knowing people so intimate with plants that a spathophyllum is called a 'spathe' instead of a peace lily, midnight walks, eating anything from the side of the road, oh, it goes on, and on. Life is joy.
How were you true to yourself? Did you have to hurt or disappoint anyone to do it?
Being true to myself is not a process that I describe. It is simply allowing my actions to come from myself. It is making sure that none of my actions are distanced from myself, that everything I do is me (not 'something I did because of this or that' but simply is myself). It's taking full ownership of all my actions, no matter the circumstances.
I don't think anyone has been badly hurt because of this. I think people, too, are only minorly disappointed. I hope this, at least-- I tend to think I don't easily allow for too many false expectations.
What beauty did you see? What beauty did you create? How did beauty impact you?
How is beauty different from joy? There's nothing that isn't the both of them, if I take the time to look, and I do try to look. See above, perhaps? Beauty is being with people, and being with myself. Beauty is ... oh, bah. I'm not even going to try.
[stop. continue.]
Everything that I do, therefore, is creating beauty. Beauty provides me with a reminder that I am cared for, that the world is generous, because the world lavishes so much beauty in unexpected corners and forgotten spaces that it's the least we can do to appreciate it once in awhile.
When did you fail this year? What helped you try again?
Ahhh, such an assumption at work here. Did I try again?
I don't see any failures as I look back. Occasional half-steps back are visible, but upon comparison to the years previous, no, no failures. Well, chiefly I,ve failed to recognise the good things I have in my life. With such strong bait (so many wonderful things) how could I not try again?
What did you need to do to feed yourself this year? When was this hardest to do?
I needed to focus, and to surrender control of my time. This is hardest right as I climb out of bed, away from a loved one.
What transformed you this year? Which transformations did you embrace, and which did you shrink away from?
Stability and confidence transformed me, hope transformed me, recognition of more of my blessings transformed me, ano love transformed me. I shrink from love which is only halfway under my control, and from the self-responsibility involved in real hope since it leaves no one else to blame for failure.
What sustained you this year? What kept you going when all else fell away?
All else did not fall away. Between my ratties, my own strength-of-self, and my 'chosen family', I've been heavily cradled.
Do you like who you were this year?
Yes, but not as much as I like who I'll be next year.
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