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Jan. 5th, 2006
Meditation on Entanglement
Jan. 5th, 2006 09:17 pmAlright. So here's me in a pair of relationships. Let's talk about that.
The relationship I'm in with Graham is rapidly starting to feel sticky: entangled, together, wound-about. Close. This is a good feeling for me. Tonight in the car I said something to the effect of, 'relationships are all about forgetting how to do things on your own' (he was driving me 'home' so I didn't have to bus in the rain, after meeting me for a spontaneous dinner where I didn't have to eat alone). My relationship with Graham is indeed all about forgetting how to do things on my own, about bending (as yet without really thinking about it) to be *with* him. It's more than that, though. It's about being serious about being together. That is to say, when we are together, it's often more than a casual juxtaposition of activities and physical beings. There's a sort of active engagement there, and a willingness to engage even when it's a bit risky (you're stuck with me now, I'll say, or if you get scared of kink stuff I'll have to sit in your office in my wedding dress for three days and pee on your carpet, what he says is his business) (make that very risky).
And that's the other bit of it. This is becoming risky for me. With Juggler, I've come to a place where I love having him in my life, but we're not so entangled. We've got entangled stuff on the go (building kayaks) but my emotional investment in keeping the relationship as it is, isn't so high. I figure, it's great, if it continues to be great it will continue to happen, and each bit I get out of it is neat. It's all gain, and so if it disappears I'll miss the stuff I gain through it, but there will be no loss to my self.
So, there we are. This is attachment again. Love is, I said the other night, the blurring of the boundary between yourself and something else. It's forgetting where you end and a different thing begins. This is some serious love. This is... I wonder if other people notice this? This is being couply in public, showing up at everything together, I don't know. It's weird, because it's doing a lot of things that were normal for me once. And, it's doing them with a terrible sense of security. This boy knows exactly what to say and do to get through my defenses. Yes, it's very early on. Yes, it generally feels like this at this point, right? But not this much like this. I can go for a few days without seeing him, serenely. He's done one thing, once, which caused me to freak out for fifteen minutes or so, then it vanished. there are a lot of secret buttons it pushes. But what I'm trying to say is, I'm having trouble seeing the warning signs, enough that I'm not even trying to look for them. I'm trusting, I'm not sitting here with 'if this doesn't work out, I'll be okay' in the back of my head. While typing that sentence I felt, absolutely strongly for one second, 'I'll look back on this entry and laugh at myself' but then I went back to being-- serene.
Anyhow. So, this entanglement thing. I'm trying to think about how to describe it. I can't. So, I'll go clean the kitchen. Does anyone else know what I mean when I say, when we're in a rom together, we are together? Not, we have eyes only for each other, or anything like that. We're just... becoming a unit. Surgery to join us at the hip is scheduled, but you know about surgery wait times in Canada.
The relationship I'm in with Graham is rapidly starting to feel sticky: entangled, together, wound-about. Close. This is a good feeling for me. Tonight in the car I said something to the effect of, 'relationships are all about forgetting how to do things on your own' (he was driving me 'home' so I didn't have to bus in the rain, after meeting me for a spontaneous dinner where I didn't have to eat alone). My relationship with Graham is indeed all about forgetting how to do things on my own, about bending (as yet without really thinking about it) to be *with* him. It's more than that, though. It's about being serious about being together. That is to say, when we are together, it's often more than a casual juxtaposition of activities and physical beings. There's a sort of active engagement there, and a willingness to engage even when it's a bit risky (you're stuck with me now, I'll say, or if you get scared of kink stuff I'll have to sit in your office in my wedding dress for three days and pee on your carpet, what he says is his business) (make that very risky).
And that's the other bit of it. This is becoming risky for me. With Juggler, I've come to a place where I love having him in my life, but we're not so entangled. We've got entangled stuff on the go (building kayaks) but my emotional investment in keeping the relationship as it is, isn't so high. I figure, it's great, if it continues to be great it will continue to happen, and each bit I get out of it is neat. It's all gain, and so if it disappears I'll miss the stuff I gain through it, but there will be no loss to my self.
So, there we are. This is attachment again. Love is, I said the other night, the blurring of the boundary between yourself and something else. It's forgetting where you end and a different thing begins. This is some serious love. This is... I wonder if other people notice this? This is being couply in public, showing up at everything together, I don't know. It's weird, because it's doing a lot of things that were normal for me once. And, it's doing them with a terrible sense of security. This boy knows exactly what to say and do to get through my defenses. Yes, it's very early on. Yes, it generally feels like this at this point, right? But not this much like this. I can go for a few days without seeing him, serenely. He's done one thing, once, which caused me to freak out for fifteen minutes or so, then it vanished. there are a lot of secret buttons it pushes. But what I'm trying to say is, I'm having trouble seeing the warning signs, enough that I'm not even trying to look for them. I'm trusting, I'm not sitting here with 'if this doesn't work out, I'll be okay' in the back of my head. While typing that sentence I felt, absolutely strongly for one second, 'I'll look back on this entry and laugh at myself' but then I went back to being-- serene.
Anyhow. So, this entanglement thing. I'm trying to think about how to describe it. I can't. So, I'll go clean the kitchen. Does anyone else know what I mean when I say, when we're in a rom together, we are together? Not, we have eyes only for each other, or anything like that. We're just... becoming a unit. Surgery to join us at the hip is scheduled, but you know about surgery wait times in Canada.