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Irreconcilable Differences
May. 30th, 2006 05:03 pmOne of the things that people do is wander around asking, how are you? I was brought up short by this question yesterday, and continue to feel strange about it today, because the answer is a weird and complex one.
It's usually a question I answer very generally-- really well or an expressive grimace are the two possibles. Still, I usually try to answer it with some level of accuracy.
The problem right now is, I can't quite tell what the answer is.
The last couple of weeks have involved some trademark Greenie-style rocket-speed relationship changes. Unlike my other self-initiated relationship changes, this isn't about adding something safe, or stepping forward only when there's reasonably solid relationship ground beneath my feet. This is me saying, dudes, there's this bit about me that's not gonna change and that I'm not gonna compromise on at the core, so make your choices. I was fully expecting to be single by the next day when I said it. That hasn't happened.
What I did was amazingly empowering for me. It was necessary, it's a burden lifted from me that I didn't quite realise I was carrying. It's scaryscaryscary, it's hurt people, I went about it badly and at a bad time, and I'm still fighting my social conditioning (and general public opinion) on it. So, it's not all good.
So, how am I? I'm in a transition phase. I tend to turn a lot of my responses off at points like these, because I'm very highly emotionally reactive. I just cannot deal with swinging up and down and up and down until the dust settles a little (to mix metaphors in a way that should get me shot). So, the reactive switch in my brain turns off, and I go about my business and wait.
Waiting in this mode tends to mean that I get really stupid. I'm deliberately not reacting, and I tend to apply this a little too generally. I don't really do *anything* for awhile. If stuff happens that really needs a reaction, often I don't even notice.
On the other hand, where I'm going is where I want to be. This is a break (with the past) and a change. The place I'm going, whatever it might look like from here, right now, will bve undeniably better than where I was a couple of weeks ago. I will be more integral, more honest, more forthright, and more complete than I was then, and my presentation will more fully line up with who I actually am.
On the first hand, right now I'm pretty trashed, emotionally and physically. I'm busy all the time, I'm not sleeping enough, I'm not spending time emotionally connecting to people because I can't right now because my emotional stuff is sort of on hold.
So. That's how I am. Party line: I'm not too bad.
The song of the moment: ( U2 Sometimes You Can't Make It On Your Own )
It's usually a question I answer very generally-- really well or an expressive grimace are the two possibles. Still, I usually try to answer it with some level of accuracy.
The problem right now is, I can't quite tell what the answer is.
The last couple of weeks have involved some trademark Greenie-style rocket-speed relationship changes. Unlike my other self-initiated relationship changes, this isn't about adding something safe, or stepping forward only when there's reasonably solid relationship ground beneath my feet. This is me saying, dudes, there's this bit about me that's not gonna change and that I'm not gonna compromise on at the core, so make your choices. I was fully expecting to be single by the next day when I said it. That hasn't happened.
What I did was amazingly empowering for me. It was necessary, it's a burden lifted from me that I didn't quite realise I was carrying. It's scaryscaryscary, it's hurt people, I went about it badly and at a bad time, and I'm still fighting my social conditioning (and general public opinion) on it. So, it's not all good.
So, how am I? I'm in a transition phase. I tend to turn a lot of my responses off at points like these, because I'm very highly emotionally reactive. I just cannot deal with swinging up and down and up and down until the dust settles a little (to mix metaphors in a way that should get me shot). So, the reactive switch in my brain turns off, and I go about my business and wait.
Waiting in this mode tends to mean that I get really stupid. I'm deliberately not reacting, and I tend to apply this a little too generally. I don't really do *anything* for awhile. If stuff happens that really needs a reaction, often I don't even notice.
On the other hand, where I'm going is where I want to be. This is a break (with the past) and a change. The place I'm going, whatever it might look like from here, right now, will bve undeniably better than where I was a couple of weeks ago. I will be more integral, more honest, more forthright, and more complete than I was then, and my presentation will more fully line up with who I actually am.
On the first hand, right now I'm pretty trashed, emotionally and physically. I'm busy all the time, I'm not sleeping enough, I'm not spending time emotionally connecting to people because I can't right now because my emotional stuff is sort of on hold.
So. That's how I am. Party line: I'm not too bad.
The song of the moment: ( U2 Sometimes You Can't Make It On Your Own )
