RESCUED (Horace Odes 1:5)

RESCUED (Horace Odes 1:5) - Mark Haddon

Which under-muscled, over-perfumed boy
is groping you on roses in your love-nest,
Pyrrha? Who's inspired you to wash and cut
your honey-colored hair like this?

God knows how many times he'll curse
the bad luck that made him love you,
and be flabbergasted by the force tens
blackening your little sea.

The idiot. He drinks your sunshine down
and thinks the wind will never change.
Those miserable men. You dazzle them
but no one ever ties up in your harbor.

As for me, you can read my story
on the temple wall: just another rescued
sailor who has offered up his sodden boots
to the great god of the sea.

Labyrinthine

My brain is an odd twisted circle right now. Trying to follow my own thoughts is head-spinning, a decidedly difficult experience. Let's try for a free-write to get it sorted out, but keep in mind that weird stuff's been going down lately, and ya likely can't figure this stuff out from context; no one knows all the context yet. Here goes.

Bob missed listening to this song when he left today. It's probably for the best; I like having a couple of secrets from him, just to make up for this frightening rush of closeness lately, and the fact that I listen to The Rainbow Connection sung by Kermit the Frog is as good a secret as any. I'm starting to feel a little claustrophobic lately, it only makes sense given that I've spent no time alone. Ahhh, it IS good to be listening to this old music again. Although I don't have my mp3s here it forces me to listen to these old CDs-- when did Kynnin make them for me, '03? --and it brings me back in time a little. It's good to be brought back in time, because living my life right now is a heady experience and I seem to be leaving the ground a little too often. Is this not-eating a sort of self-destructive behaviour akin to CrazyChris' drinking? There's the low before I eat, and the dizzy giggly high after. I know I'd end up hooked on something if I let myself, am I stealthily doing it anyhow? I don't really think so. I should cook real food anyhow. Mmmm. Chocolate pudding and maybe a stew would be fabulous. Or tabouli...

Here's a break. I'm calming down writing this, just normal patter is running through my head. I remember trying to write in my diary at the permaculture course, it took so maddeningly long to write longhand. I still haven't transcribed that, though I was going to this morning. Where's the stuff I was worried about? When I told Bob I took relationship advice from CrazyChris he laughed at me, and it makes sense, but it was good advice. Sometimes things can't be brought forward from the past he said, but I've always been a stubborn little brat. I have weird old habits resurfacing -- arguing automatically with statements, for instance. I should stop that. Nptice I don't say I will stop that, or have I done it yet. I wonder what's going on in there?

Dancing's been wonderful the last little while. I do love using my body. I keep craving kayaking, every day, morning and afternoon. I want to fly over the water again, to go places I haven't been, to be on the ocean. I love the ocean. She's so calming. I haven't been to her all this week, perhaps that's why I'm so scattered. I wonder how climbing will be for me? I don't feel like I'll be too afraid. That means a lot to me. Progress on one front means slipping back on others, but not so far back as I used to be. Goodgood.

Everyone is so broken lately. We're all walking wounded-- well, I'm not wounded, but crazyinsane out of my head anyhow, just generally blissed out. It's weird. I miss everyone being clear and present -- or at least most people. I wonder what we're reacting to? Something is shifting. Im sad, and a little scared. Where are we shifting to? My future's always a mystery to me, but I get attached to it nonetheless.

The CD's done. I'll get up nd change it. Here we go, Barstool Prophets. Intense. Good.

I've been more intense in the last month than I've been for a year and a half, at least, but in-between I've got happy rather than upset. It's interesting. I was thinking of dropping the 'Storm' for awhile there, but Greenpeace was already taken, and I felt a loyalty to the name Greenstorm somehow -- it's my identity. Now, here I am again, stormy Greenie.

I have this immense feeling of rushing somewhere, of going somewhere, of not-quite-arriving. I've had the feeling of change for a bit now -- two months? But it's speeding up now, and I'm almost there-- where there is, perhaps, the next stability plateau. Then again, maybe not. We shall see.

I hate the idea of hurting people. What's up with the instant intimacy gift, anyhow? Juggler says something about lonely geeks. Yeah, you can't fix the loneliness of all the lonely geeks in the world, Greenie. Eh. It comes into the relationship criteria I wrote up this morning. People seem to lose their places around me, to suck up into what I'm doing and lose their own -- fair enough, I used to do that with the boys I dated, Kynnin and Juggler and CrazyChris, in the beginning. It's a scary thing because then their self-ness decreases, and the joy of being together turns into a case of need or hurt. No, to be fair, that's what I'm afraid of because I used to do it. The people around me aren't really like that. They're all strong and able and they stand well on their own feel. They have integrity, not in the usual sense but in the sense of bring a whole complete being each, all by themselves.

Hah. I should have dinner. Then my head would be clearer.

This doesn't make any sense. I feel weird posting to to lj because it's not the same smartass clever outward-directed stuff I normally post, or the same meditative journey all prettily worded that I do alternately. It's just a jumble, because my gift for the language is slipping right now. Ironically, after being stuck in my head all weekend, I'm now back in my body and I've lost my head completely. Oh, well.

I think I feel better. I wonder who called me earlier? It sucks not to be able to do callback.

Going dancing tonight would be stupid, right?

Maybe. Hm. Work tomorrow. Hm.

Ending now.