Intermission

sonnet XVII by pablo neruda

I don't love you as if you were a rose of salt, topaz,
or arrow of carnations that propagate fire:
I love you as one loves certain dark things,
secretly, between the shadow and the soul

I love you as the plant that doesn't bloom and carries
the light of those flowers, hidden, within itself,
and thanks to your love the tight aroma that rose
from the earth lives in my body in darkness.

I love you without knowing how, or when, or from where
I love you directly without problems or pride:
I love you like this because I don't know any other way to love

except in this form in which I am not nor are you,
so close that your hand upon my chest is mine,
so close that your eyes close with my dreams.

Melancholy? Mad.

It's a big tumble. Let's try a free-write for a bit.

There's a lot of ambient emotion in my head lately -- I suppose because it's not locked up in relationships. A writer, speaking of her experience in the Japanese internment camps, said that it had left her with a huge pool of potential emotion that could come out as either joy or sorrow. Sometimes I feel like that, although less now than formerly-- perhaps this is a normal human thing? In any case, there's not much to make me unhappy, and I can't be happy all the time, it just burns out, so it leaves me with emotional potential that I'm not sure what to do with. I think I need to work on things that awe me more.

I was going to get two baby boys from the whole Petaluma thing, but the boys are getting smapped up fast, so I'm only getting one. I think I need to get one other boy at least to go with him (I speak of rats here, not humans) because it's best to integrate that sort of thing all at the same time. I've got my new cage, which is really exciting! It is both big and safe-- they can't get out of it, even babies can't, and it's a decent size.

I'm tired today, as I was yesterday, because I didn't sleep much. Huh. Something funny about having such clear causes-and-effects going on. I'm sort of floating in a haze lately, which makes everything funny, though.

Tillie posted a comment to my criteria list which is probably the best comment I've ever recieved in lj, or at least the most useful, despite the fact that the list was only about half serious. I need to think about it, speaking of floating in a haze. I've been taking serious time off the figuring-stuff-out thing, and just enjoying myself, and it may be time for that to slow down before I self-destruct. It really is self-destructive behaviour-- at least I'm eating regularly again, but the lack of sleep has a less dramatic but similar effect in shutting down my brain.

cf. discussion of conscious vs unconscious motives.

My schedule is pretty packed over the next couple of days -- among the strictly scheduled things, I need to get to MEC and get myself a backpack, pick up folk fest tickets, do greyhound research, and pack. I'm looking forward to this year, but in a very laid-back way. I'v had my away time for the summer, and although this additional bit is welcome, I'm more looking forward to seeing people (Kyle? Gaby?) and dancing, and also to the ritual of it. I do like camping 'on my own' too-- alone in the midst of a crowd of people. It's good. Private spaces are good, and when they're outdoors they're even better,

I feel a definite lack of permaculture and gardening stuff in my life right now. What will I do about that? I need to spend more time with my hands in the dirt and less time with boys.

Hah.

Something about how I really liked Attack The Gas Station at KMM after the first half-hour, and I'm done writing. I wonder if I have time for a nap?