I Am Tired.

Tillie posted this once, and it's come around again on greatpoets.

Love After Love

The time will come
when, with elation,
you will greet yourself arriving
at your own door, in your mirror,
and each will smile at the other's welcome,

and say, sit here. Eat.
You will love again the stranger who was your self.
Give wine. Give bread. Give back your heart
to itself, to the stranger who has loved you

all your life, whom you ignored
for another, who knows you by heart.
Take down the love letters from the bookshelf,

the photographs, the desperate notes,
peel your own image from the mirror.
Sit. Feast on your life.

Derek Walcott

It makes me happy. I mean, so many things do, my life is sort of like a game of 'if you don't like it, wait a minute'.

I'm starting to settle a little (knock on wood). Did I just write a post that said that, or did I think about it and not do it?

Anyhow, life is again calling, I promise a big update someday.

Blood day-ish. That always helps.

Tonight, Tonight

I watched the fireworks from Nanaimo Station tonight, right by my home. Every skytrain station had people in it, standing, watching, using the elevated platforms to see across the city. Even the people in the skytrain stations applauded when something was particularly spectacular.

Back one. Today I had leisurely morning sex, which was super-awesome and it's been far too long; went on a motorcycle ride, which was super-awesome; and chewed on Angus, which was also super-awesome. I also more-or-less fasted, which is weird but okay. I should eat before people are around, though. It's the combination of no food and having to deal with people that's really impossible.

Back one. Yesterday I cleaned the house some, cleaned the rat cages, and finally feel more at home here. It was to the point that I didn't feel comfortable being still, because every time I got home it was dirty, and also because there was this terrible tension between Juggler and I hanging over the place. I clean as a way of re-establishing my sense of control over my life and surroundings, a way of creating order out of chaos, and so whenever I was home I was cleaning. I've been home for a couple of days in a row now, and the thing with Juggler is less tense, if not really resolved, and the rat/computer room is livable even if the bedroom is no longer (it was livable yesterday morning, sigh, the mess just migrates, it never goes away). I have space in the house to chew on boys, I have lots of hippie stuff to cook in the cupboard (red thai rice, coconut milk, and cashews for a breakfast thing; lentils and soybeans and more lentils for soup; quinoa (which works in the rice cooker) for when I'm lazy; brown basmati rice cause that sounds nice, all organic), I have doubled perenthesis) I may have some Forstbauer biodynamic salami bought from the adorable family at the farmer's market, I have rats, and I have a morning ahead with nothing really planned.

Back some. There's been a week of working and of Kelowna in there. I saw the garden, the one I helped plant at Summerhill, which is a thing of beauty. Ezra and BassistChris are nurturing it, keeping it alive with a steady stream of love that makes the place almost glow. I ate a ton of cucumbers (there will be too many), a tomato (one of the first harvest, which happened the day I got there), and came home with a lot of basil. The time spent with everyone was wonderful. In the last week I've had a couple of times with Bob that were like jewels, just perfect luminous hours. It's nice, cause he was sick and cranky and I was busy and impatient, and that seems to be letting up in the last few weeks. About damn time.

I still love my job. We were in West Van the other day, and I was climbing this slanted granite rockface to weed plants in the cracks. Then the next day the other crew and I were on the West Side, putting in a pretty pathway of rock and white star creeper, and I got to pickaxe and carry heavy stones all day. Friday my period started and I called off work (stress + dairy + caffeine + period in the same month is bad news), and I missed my boss that day. I just like spending the time with these people. They're gardeners, you see. I still miss my bosses from my old job, and Ezra too, come to that.

I have a shirt I got in Iowa. It has a green carebear with a four-leaf-clover on it, and says "Lucky". That's me. The blessings just come.

I'm making soup for family dinner this Tuesday. Everyone's invited to bring finger-veggies or fruit.

I want to go to Wreck on Monday if the weather holds. What spectacular days these are.

Now, if I can only get enough sleep tonight...

Thank you, and goodnight.