In My Head

Three days now. Devendra Banhart, Queen Bee.

Well I do like a certain girl
She moves like a dancing dream
I saw everything I've seen
And I meant everything I mean
Oh queen bee you're always happy and free
Oh queen bee land by me, by me
She's kissed everyone I've kissed
She's missed everyone I've missed
And her guess is always as good as mine
And I'm blessed, she treats me so damn kind
She's grown every seed I've grown
She's known everything I've known
And my dreams they always coincide...

Today was a walk along the beach with Mike, downtime in the morning and brunch with Avi before it, time lost around Jericho Beach after, and then an evening spent more-or-less broken from not eating dinner. It was a good day except that this dairy-free thing is becoming more and more of a reality here. I had a milkshake with brunch and afterwards I was pretty much reduced to staring into space and drooling for half an hour afterwards. Something just turns my energy and my brain right off.

I probably won't actually not have a milkshake again, but I really shouldn't have one. Angus and I are gonna have a milkshake day sometime and try various substitutes.

I'm still a little broken, I think, or maybe just sad. I'm sad to leave the warm space nestled beside Angus to come home to this place that isn't really a home, I'm sad to be reluctant to scoop up Bob and curl up with him tonight, I'm sad that this Devendra Banhart playing right now (You are my life/And you baffle me some/Like an endless maple/Inca cornflower/You're my baby's blue eyes/And when goddess all in a prayer/You'll hear a sound/That rings true and fair/Black cape lightning/And all the orange blossoms and orange blossoms) reminds me of Marvin and he's far away, I'm sad that with so many people and so much love in my life none if it is *always* and *full on*- although I know I can't do that, right now I want it. Or maybe I just want it right now, when I'm too tired to reach out and weave words and touches into intimacy, and I want someone to do it for me.

I wanted to teach some meditation techniques to Angus today, but I felt shy talking about it. Shy/embarassed, like I imagine most girls feel taking off their clothes in front of strangers.

Right now my oldest friendships feel so very precious to me, CrazyChris and Trevor especially like jewels warmed in the hand, because I know that all I would need is to go to them and that closeness would flow with no work on my part. So precious, indeed, to feel cared-for and known to that extent.

Bob has just come to hug me, and told me to come to bed. I should.

I don't want to be melancholy right now, so I will stop writing and go. Be well.

Two

1) I slept and slept and slept. Although I didn't get to sleep till 2am, I didn't wake up till 8:30am, and slept right through my usual 6:30 wake-up. Niiiiiiice. Good relaxing snuggles with Angus yesterday evening, and his roommate Dan makes fabulous food.

2) I cleaned and cleaned and cleaned rat cages to get ready for the event at Lizzy's rattery (as opposed to my rattery, which exists now). The babies are in big cages now, and are SO! CUTE! Call me if you wanna come between 2pm and 8pm or so to see cute baby rats. The place is in New West about a block away from the skytrain, so it's en route to Nick Eddy's party if you're going.

3) Does anyone know the origins of the word 'Inaniel'?

4) My rats are the best rats.

5) Angus totally caved on baby rats.

6) A fifteen minute nap with Bob this afternoon made me feel much more energetic.