Morning Sunlight

Well, here it is: a morning where I've woken up and the air is clear and sunny (on first wake-up it was grey, but that's fine) and my head feels clear. I've been waiting for this since before solstice; there's enough sunlight for me to function now, more or less.

I might even be able to write a coherent paragraph if you leave me enough time. I want to form a coherent paragraph. I want to write, because I've been travelling lately in places I haven't been.

Take retail. Here's a job where you're a super-multi-purpose human being: you're a cleaner and an accountant in the evening, you're an actor and a foodhandler and an adding machine during the day, in the bits of time you have in between you're some of the above plus an artist, an errandboy, a weight lifter, an encyclopedia, an organiser, and an item locator. You do a lot of monotonous stuff faster than your body should be able to move, but you should still be alive enough to smile like you mean it, to be clever with the clever folk, and to be friendly with the confused. I dunno, it uses an awful lot of skills in drips and drabs.

Take monogamy. I'm not far into it, but I'm far enough that the full set of blinkers to the rest of the world is beginning to edge away, and I'm still in a good place with it. It requires a whole different set of skills than I'm used to. If I'm not getting something I need from a relationship, I don't find someone else to supply it; I let Angus know, and sometimes wait a little bit. There's been precious little of that so far but it certainly takes being on the ball to catch the fear that I won't get what I need and tell it to wait, oh, twenty-four hours before it takes wings. It's heartbreaking to realise how much of my life I've spent in relationships where I don't get everything I need. In some ways it makes me pretty self-sufficient; in others it makes me standoffish and clingy and clumsy. I'm a newbie in this arena, and it shows sometimes. It's not the ego blow I would expect to take, going from relationship guru (poly) to newbie (mono) but it does make me pretty determined.

I haven't written too much about Angus and how that's all going. For one, I don't want to rub sore noses in it. For another, it's become ambient happy and also very private in some ways (Paul says monogamy is like this naturally, that it feels like a shared secret. Sure, I'll bite). I'm going to write some of that now if I can get it to come out. If it will hurt you to read what comes next, please don't.

( Read more... )

.

So, it goes well, and intensely. When I was dating CrazyChris and I met Angus for the first time, I essentially turned to him afterwards and said: About Angus-- we're poly, right? and he said not that one, he's too intense. At the time it would never have worked, but now I find myself matched in that department.

We've covered work, relationship, now homelife-- not too much more to go. Cooking puts a big stupid grin on my face and I think I'll start doing something else artsy again. I've been writing for an hour now and that feels really good. Just to be clear-enough minded to write is amazing. My bike is almost functional (sigh), I haven't got enough money to pay off my obligations, and I've lost ten pounds with the amount of walking I've been doing. My legs have gone hard and skinny, with my calves disappearing till they don't fill out my capris anymore. My hips are doing much the same thing. Huh, exercise, whod'a thunk?

My house is a bit dirty (floor needs washing), but hey. I decided I'd take a day sometime in the future where I did zero housecleaning and zero working-for-a-living on the same day. I'm looking forward to it.

I want to take a sleeping bag and a tarp and roll myself up in the endowment lands at UBC for a night. I want to go to Chinese New Year, to the parade in Chinatown.

I'm waking up. Soon the tiny red hazel flowers will be out and it will be spring.