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Here we go, down and in. There's no one in the room with me. I have all the time in the world. There's music playing -- Devendra Banhart's Cripple Crow. After such a long period without instantly accessible music I find it affects me more than usual.
( Here's his "Now That I Know")
Instead of hitting the basic points -- and those basic points are accurate -- I need to ramble a little. Jan commented on the last one. He said I sounded happy. I am happy. There are ripples, oddities, and textures that don't quite get covered by that word though.
(Santa Maria de Fiera)
There are so many details in my life that I never have time to write about. There are some I am afraid to write about-- perhaps not many. There are some that are just strange.
(Heard Somebody Say)
My housewarming is tomorrow. Here you see me procrastinating on cleaning up the house-- dishes, rat cages, maybe making the bed. There's not that much to do. I do need to take out the garbage. I need to start cooking, too. Angus came up with a vegan scalloped potato recipe I'd like to try, I need to do a good rice pudding, maybe I should do corn dog muffins and somethin... bah. Not feeling inspired. If I'm not careful I'll end up making white-flour biscuits and honey and chocolate-chip muffins and calling it a day. *grin* Luckily Angus will be there bright and early. I do like cooking with that boy.
(Long-Haired Child)
Speaking of boys, I've been having adventures in interpersonal lately. I've been specifically spending a bunch of time with people I don't know well (which either results in boredom or in another person I know well or want to know well and don't have the time to spend on 'em, oh well, the best laid plans...).
It's been enjoyable. People are enjoyable generally, you know? But it's been weird. I'm sorta-kinda on a quest for another fuck-buddy, a surprisingly hard hunt for me right now. Between being relatively picky, the standard STD issue, people's singleness or availability, and wanting to start it outside my social circle I have a bunch of anecdotes from the front but no one new to sleep with.
(Queen Bee)
On the other hand, the one I've got is a fantastic lover, a generous person, and a loyal friend. Don't think I'm complaining. I've just been both hit by the variety bug and trying to keep my emotional-- let's not say distance, because I'm not an emotionally distant person, but perhaps emotional sense of proportion?
(I Feel Just Like A Child)
I keep on meeting more gardeners and all 'round cool people. My cup overfloweth? I've recently met a girl (who doesn't eat gluten, haha) who likes to garden barefoot-- she's starting a community garden near me. She kayaks. It's good. Also a boy who uses my same hair dye and has the prettiest blue eyes you ever saw, the effect is electric. Also a whip-smart feral-looking tangoing existential-angstbucket who will eat any leaf I pick out of the alleyway and feed to him-- and he'll thank me for the experience.
(Some People Ride The Wave)
My garden-- oh, oh, oh!
Mostly I'm putting off going home because I've been away for so long already. I left yesterday morning for work, fell asleep here at Angus' after a long walk with Karim and some lovely community dinner stuff at his house (we made the most amazing purple mashed potatoes), and rushed off to work the nest day. This is the longest I've been away from home and I'm scared to go home and see my droopy tomatoes crying for water (yes, staying away longer never helps) and the rat cages which need cleaning when 'm so tired (my labourer at work turned her ankle so I've been going long hours and double-speed all week, and supervising some). It really is easy to get into this avoidance rut when I'm tired. I seem to spend a lot of my time either biting off more than I can chew or recovering from so doing. No news there.
(Inaniel)
It's funny, writing this is making me lonely. I guess when I don't think about saying the stuff, I miss saying it to people less. I'm a bit rusty at using this voice, the same way when I go a day at home without talking to anyone it feels strange to speak at work the next day. Here I feel rusty at dredging up the day. My memory for events, my waiting-to-tell-you, has been turned off. I think that it makes me a more functional person, as a whole. You know that study where they found that depressed people were more realistic at self-assessment? They're probably better at remembering things, too. The world is brutal both ways, so much sharp-edged enormous beauty and joy that it will consume you and leave nothing behind, and also so much awful that no one can stand to think about it all at once.
(Hey Mama Wolf)
Bob's housewarming is going on tonight, soon. I'd like to go. I'd like to have a long meandering conversation with someone. I'd like to stick my tongue down someone's throat and roll around writhing with them. My house is calling me, but it's calling, "work, Greenie, work" so I don't know how attractive that is. On the other hand I'm still in my filthy two-day-old work clothes, or I will be when I put them on, because that's all I have with me. I need to kiss my rats' bellies. I need to water things.
(How's About Tellin A Story)
...but this music is going right through me right now and I'm stuck here grasping at words, trying to approach the way I feel lately. You know, I'm being fixed? Slowly, but I'm being fixed. I'm becoming whole. I trust people cautiously and after they're proven, but definitely I do trust people and I also do not trust others.
(Chinese Children)
Definitely I can do things that make me happy, and I can often figure out for myself when I'm in a holding pattern and when I'm right on track, and I can decide which of those I want to be on. I do rest from time to time, you know?
(Korean Dogwood)
I don't know what revelation I'm hovering here waiting for. Perhaps none. Perhaps it is time to go. Here's a last song and I'll get moving, back to my responsibilities and the other trappings that make up my life, that make up the outer layer of my skin now. When we were walking Karim asked me what major life changes I'd made lately and I said: I'm single for the first time in twelve years, I'm living pretty close to on my own (with a slightly ghost-y roommate who I don't know all that well and certainly am not dating and have never slept with and who's pretty hands-off), I'm working fulltime 8-4, I'm computer-free at home, that's all new. I do change things up pretty constantly. I wonder what will come next?
(Little Boys)
( Here's his "Now That I Know")
Instead of hitting the basic points -- and those basic points are accurate -- I need to ramble a little. Jan commented on the last one. He said I sounded happy. I am happy. There are ripples, oddities, and textures that don't quite get covered by that word though.
(Santa Maria de Fiera)
There are so many details in my life that I never have time to write about. There are some I am afraid to write about-- perhaps not many. There are some that are just strange.
(Heard Somebody Say)
My housewarming is tomorrow. Here you see me procrastinating on cleaning up the house-- dishes, rat cages, maybe making the bed. There's not that much to do. I do need to take out the garbage. I need to start cooking, too. Angus came up with a vegan scalloped potato recipe I'd like to try, I need to do a good rice pudding, maybe I should do corn dog muffins and somethin... bah. Not feeling inspired. If I'm not careful I'll end up making white-flour biscuits and honey and chocolate-chip muffins and calling it a day. *grin* Luckily Angus will be there bright and early. I do like cooking with that boy.
(Long-Haired Child)
Speaking of boys, I've been having adventures in interpersonal lately. I've been specifically spending a bunch of time with people I don't know well (which either results in boredom or in another person I know well or want to know well and don't have the time to spend on 'em, oh well, the best laid plans...).
It's been enjoyable. People are enjoyable generally, you know? But it's been weird. I'm sorta-kinda on a quest for another fuck-buddy, a surprisingly hard hunt for me right now. Between being relatively picky, the standard STD issue, people's singleness or availability, and wanting to start it outside my social circle I have a bunch of anecdotes from the front but no one new to sleep with.
(Queen Bee)
On the other hand, the one I've got is a fantastic lover, a generous person, and a loyal friend. Don't think I'm complaining. I've just been both hit by the variety bug and trying to keep my emotional-- let's not say distance, because I'm not an emotionally distant person, but perhaps emotional sense of proportion?
(I Feel Just Like A Child)
I keep on meeting more gardeners and all 'round cool people. My cup overfloweth? I've recently met a girl (who doesn't eat gluten, haha) who likes to garden barefoot-- she's starting a community garden near me. She kayaks. It's good. Also a boy who uses my same hair dye and has the prettiest blue eyes you ever saw, the effect is electric. Also a whip-smart feral-looking tangoing existential-angstbucket who will eat any leaf I pick out of the alleyway and feed to him-- and he'll thank me for the experience.
(Some People Ride The Wave)
My garden-- oh, oh, oh!
Mostly I'm putting off going home because I've been away for so long already. I left yesterday morning for work, fell asleep here at Angus' after a long walk with Karim and some lovely community dinner stuff at his house (we made the most amazing purple mashed potatoes), and rushed off to work the nest day. This is the longest I've been away from home and I'm scared to go home and see my droopy tomatoes crying for water (yes, staying away longer never helps) and the rat cages which need cleaning when 'm so tired (my labourer at work turned her ankle so I've been going long hours and double-speed all week, and supervising some). It really is easy to get into this avoidance rut when I'm tired. I seem to spend a lot of my time either biting off more than I can chew or recovering from so doing. No news there.
(Inaniel)
It's funny, writing this is making me lonely. I guess when I don't think about saying the stuff, I miss saying it to people less. I'm a bit rusty at using this voice, the same way when I go a day at home without talking to anyone it feels strange to speak at work the next day. Here I feel rusty at dredging up the day. My memory for events, my waiting-to-tell-you, has been turned off. I think that it makes me a more functional person, as a whole. You know that study where they found that depressed people were more realistic at self-assessment? They're probably better at remembering things, too. The world is brutal both ways, so much sharp-edged enormous beauty and joy that it will consume you and leave nothing behind, and also so much awful that no one can stand to think about it all at once.
(Hey Mama Wolf)
Bob's housewarming is going on tonight, soon. I'd like to go. I'd like to have a long meandering conversation with someone. I'd like to stick my tongue down someone's throat and roll around writhing with them. My house is calling me, but it's calling, "work, Greenie, work" so I don't know how attractive that is. On the other hand I'm still in my filthy two-day-old work clothes, or I will be when I put them on, because that's all I have with me. I need to kiss my rats' bellies. I need to water things.
(How's About Tellin A Story)
...but this music is going right through me right now and I'm stuck here grasping at words, trying to approach the way I feel lately. You know, I'm being fixed? Slowly, but I'm being fixed. I'm becoming whole. I trust people cautiously and after they're proven, but definitely I do trust people and I also do not trust others.
(Chinese Children)
Definitely I can do things that make me happy, and I can often figure out for myself when I'm in a holding pattern and when I'm right on track, and I can decide which of those I want to be on. I do rest from time to time, you know?
(Korean Dogwood)
I don't know what revelation I'm hovering here waiting for. Perhaps none. Perhaps it is time to go. Here's a last song and I'll get moving, back to my responsibilities and the other trappings that make up my life, that make up the outer layer of my skin now. When we were walking Karim asked me what major life changes I'd made lately and I said: I'm single for the first time in twelve years, I'm living pretty close to on my own (with a slightly ghost-y roommate who I don't know all that well and certainly am not dating and have never slept with and who's pretty hands-off), I'm working fulltime 8-4, I'm computer-free at home, that's all new. I do change things up pretty constantly. I wonder what will come next?
(Little Boys)
