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Big Spaces
Nov. 9th, 2008 12:46 pmThis has been a productive weekend. I biked around in the rain, which made me happy; I put in hours and hours doing schoolwork and am now pretty caught up; I had some talks with a friend that needed to happen. I'm halfway through a book, I'm creating some mood-altering playlists, my rat cages are nearly all clean, I have a batch of ginger beer cooling for thanksgiving and a ginger bug at my house for the next batch. I may have a working interview for the job I want, tomorrow. I am somewhat snuggled, I have not had enough sleep nor enough to eat. I turned down a couple of propositions. I got through an Angus-free weekend; he's in the states away from cellphone reception.
The inside of my head is a big, floating empty space right now. I'm suspended, waiting, divorced from myself. The fear I carry that had been slowly subsiding, that he will leave me again, has reared up in full force. I know, I /know/, that spending some time apart doing your own things tends to draw you together more strongly. I know that he thought pretty hard about getting into it this time, and I know that I'd be fine anyhow. Still, there is this fear.
Fear isn't just anticipation of a negative possibility in this case. It's a bigger thing than that. I've always tended to fear things so much that the ways in which I protected myself were more destructive than the thing I feared. I don't know the point of this, I don't know where it comes from or why or how it came about.
I can't keep up a coherent string of thought anyhow. I was up very late last night and that shimmering floating feeling of sleeplessness keeps intruding itself onto my consciousness.
I'd like to tell you about things I've been doing in my course: water infiltration and soil sedimentation tests on a piece of Angus' yard that show that it's... pure city topsoil of the kind made by mixing amender and sand. I am unsurprised. What does surprise me is how dry the soil is staying with the cherry roots which infiltrate it. It's been raining more or less a week straight, and the soil is certainly not soggy when you dig a foot down through those roots. Granted, it's very sandy soil.
I'd like to think more about thanksgiving meals, but I'm just not inspired right now. I probably need to get a happy light out and set it to wake me up; with all the time I'm spending outside it still never feels like it's getting fully light, even when the grey clears up momentarily and we can tell there's a blue sky up there somewhere.
I miss Angus. I want him in my arms, where he belongs. I already miss Paul, who leaves today, despite the fact that I hadn't seen him forever before this week; we talk well. I definitely need to figure out my finances enough to buy a climbing pass because biking is not enough fun for my body.
Enough whining. I am thankful for many things today. Top half-dozen in this second: the ambient social groups I'm part of, with my roommate and Angus' roommates and KMM included foremost, where I can go and hang out and put in no effort but still be socialised by osmosis; my bike which is nicer than other bikes to ride; my class partner who is lots of fun; my class itself, which is both fun and fascinating and which is a great networking tool; and my career, which I'm still figuring out but which has become recogniseably something I love doing, and which I have the power to shift towards something I love even more; and my boy, who I not only love but who is my person.
So there.
The inside of my head is a big, floating empty space right now. I'm suspended, waiting, divorced from myself. The fear I carry that had been slowly subsiding, that he will leave me again, has reared up in full force. I know, I /know/, that spending some time apart doing your own things tends to draw you together more strongly. I know that he thought pretty hard about getting into it this time, and I know that I'd be fine anyhow. Still, there is this fear.
Fear isn't just anticipation of a negative possibility in this case. It's a bigger thing than that. I've always tended to fear things so much that the ways in which I protected myself were more destructive than the thing I feared. I don't know the point of this, I don't know where it comes from or why or how it came about.
I can't keep up a coherent string of thought anyhow. I was up very late last night and that shimmering floating feeling of sleeplessness keeps intruding itself onto my consciousness.
I'd like to tell you about things I've been doing in my course: water infiltration and soil sedimentation tests on a piece of Angus' yard that show that it's... pure city topsoil of the kind made by mixing amender and sand. I am unsurprised. What does surprise me is how dry the soil is staying with the cherry roots which infiltrate it. It's been raining more or less a week straight, and the soil is certainly not soggy when you dig a foot down through those roots. Granted, it's very sandy soil.
I'd like to think more about thanksgiving meals, but I'm just not inspired right now. I probably need to get a happy light out and set it to wake me up; with all the time I'm spending outside it still never feels like it's getting fully light, even when the grey clears up momentarily and we can tell there's a blue sky up there somewhere.
I miss Angus. I want him in my arms, where he belongs. I already miss Paul, who leaves today, despite the fact that I hadn't seen him forever before this week; we talk well. I definitely need to figure out my finances enough to buy a climbing pass because biking is not enough fun for my body.
Enough whining. I am thankful for many things today. Top half-dozen in this second: the ambient social groups I'm part of, with my roommate and Angus' roommates and KMM included foremost, where I can go and hang out and put in no effort but still be socialised by osmosis; my bike which is nicer than other bikes to ride; my class partner who is lots of fun; my class itself, which is both fun and fascinating and which is a great networking tool; and my career, which I'm still figuring out but which has become recogniseably something I love doing, and which I have the power to shift towards something I love even more; and my boy, who I not only love but who is my person.
So there.
