Wow

It's not that i haven't posted for awhile; it's that a lot has happened since then. I have a lot a lot to say if I can remember it as I'm writing.

First: moved my stuff. Easy move, the drop-box got put a few feet from our patio door, it was glorious. We were basically moved by noon; we have a lot of books. Headed out to grab a couple more bookshelves (we can't afford enough more, but we can afford some) and then napped in the new place for a bit on my bed (which is there now).

I have a lot of cool stuff! Since it was all in storage, this is like Christmas. I have my pottery wheel, my sewing machine, my drums, my altar (I mean focal space), SO FUCKING MUCH COOL CLOTHING, my cloth stash, my costume trunk, my four foot stuffed unicorn, my aquarium... it goes on. Oh, and books. I have rad books, as Angus would say.

I'm looking into paint and wall decals for the new place with Angus today. We have more space than I remember, and I am so happy to be there. The ratkins have a room, which is sad in some ways but makes for easier visiting by people like Tillie and easier sleeping when they go crazy on the wheel (they're in a room with no walls that neighbor other apartments). I will have space for my pantry and spices and a deep freeze. I already have some natal mahoganies on order (actually a really big tree but not indoors here obviously (Paul, have you seen any of these around?)) which will be fabulous assuming they don't get scale-- which you can't assume EVER --but tending four plants doesn't take much time anyhow. Will be nice for Angus and I to have a 'date bed' too for people to come over.

Second: I got accepted into BCIT! Ack $$$!!! Need to stop spending money on wonderful ridiculous things and start saving, um, 7500 for this winter. Ulp. Excited. Nervous. Can I do this? Of course I can. Right?

Third: reached boy limit. No new applicants will be accepted. Don't have enough time as is. I didn't really sleep last night. Also: my life rocks more than I can say.

Fourth: Rats are really freaking cute. I will take pictures today.

Fifth: I need to eat something. Yesterday I consumed a mocha, a rice krispie square, and half a sushi roll. Um. No. When I'm done writing I am going out to get bacon and a pineapple to fry in the bacon grease. That is that.

Sixth: I am so looking forward to family dinners that I can barely wait. It kills me to have to wait for May, but that's what we've gotta do. I've been thinking about doing an all-weekend housewarming with some drop-in events-- like a drum making workshop and maybe a taffy pullor chocolate fondue pot and cookoff and. Hell, the way I'm feeling right now I think we should include an orgy. Also on the list for family dinner nights: duck risotto. Sopas and beans. Vegan chili w/ fresh anchos. Thom yum soup a la vegan. My boss is going to send me a souffle recipe that's eggless. And of course things which contain my kickass honey vinegar. I can't wait to be close to friends.

I've been trying to think about ways to incorporate permaculture learn-ins to family dinner- not just cooking, but some foraging or growing aspects. Still pondering how best to do that. Planning my garden based on what will work well in that capacity.

Seventh: April's gonna be busy. I need to come up with appropriate gifts for Pan and Aphrodite this year. I need to pack for SMF. I need to budget. Oof. SMF, rat show, rat food, and new cages all in the same month. Oof, tuition, I need to prioritize you but it's a tad late in these instances. Family dinner will at least help with budgetting. I can feed a ton of people for less than eating out generally.

Last but not least: There are so many many people who are blessings in my life, but it's Angus who is the most consistent. He's handled the last couple of months with exceeding grace despite my total lack of it, and it was with that same grace that he welcomed me home last night in a rather awkward situation. Right now I owe him a good sit-down-and-think about my life because he's worth more than my breaking stuff and him coming and picking up the pieces.

Three ee cummings

'Cuz I wanna. Was talking about these particular three last night actually.

***

i thank You God for most this amazing
day: for the leaping greenly spirits of trees
and a blue true dream of sky; and for everything
which is natural which is infinite which is yes

(i who have died am alive again today,
and this is the sun's birthday; this is the birth
day of life and love and wings: and of the gay
great happening ilimitably earth)

how should tasting touching hearing seeing
breathing any__lifted from the no
of all nothing__human merely being
doubt unimaginable You?

(now the ears of my ears awake and
now the eyes of my eyes are opened)

***

Sonnets-actualities, XXIV, e.e.cummings

i like my body when it is with your
body. It is so quite new a thing.
Muscles better and nerves more.
i like your body. i like what it does,
i like its hows. i like to feel the spine
of your body and its bones, and the trembling
-firm-smooth ness and which i will
again and again and again
kiss, i like kissing this and that of you,
i like, slowly stroking the, shocking fuzz
of your electric fur, and what-is-it comes
over parting flesh . . . . And eyes big love-crumbs,

and possibly i like the thrill

of under me you so quite new

***

somewhere i have never travelled, gladly beyond
any experience,your eyes have their silence:
in your most frail gesture are things which enclose me,
or which i cannot touch because they are too near

your slightest look will easily unclose me
though i have closed myself as fingers,
you open always petal by petal myself as Spring opens
(touching skilfully,mysteriously)her first rose

or if your wish be to close me, i and
my life will shut very beautifully ,suddenly,
as when the heart of this flower imagines
the snow carefully everywhere descending;
nothing which we are to perceive in this world equals
the power of your intense fragility:whose texture
compels me with the color of its countries,
rendering death and forever with each breathing

(i do not know what it is about you that closes
and opens;only something in me understands
the voice of your eyes is deeper than all roses)
nobody,not even the rain,has such small hands

Cruising for a fall

Well fuck. Something had better go wrong soon or I'm gonna die happy. I believe that life balances, you know? So if I'm this happy now I'm expecting a fall.

Oh wait. Balance like that day I couldn't stop crying recently? Maybe I should be aiming for stability? Never achieve that one anyhow. Maybe I should sleep more than two hours and spend some time writing on a real keyboard.

Suffice it to say right at this moment that I'm in a lot of things over my head, and it's like expecting to drown while discovering a three-dimensional environment. I can fly! I'm gonna die! And now Ive done gone booked myself so my next day without anything huge on the agenda is the 13th or 14th, possibly the 17th.

On the other hand, I took myself out to get applewood-smoked free range bacon his morning and fried some pineapple in it and I'm going to nap now. That counts as something in the self-care, don't rely on environmental stuff to jerk you in the right direction files surely. Also I have my unicorn out of storage, and I'll do rats with Lizzy tonight.

Gonna be ok, Greenie. No need to borrow trouble right now.

Greatpoets In Transit

Greatest thing ever. Today it says:

Personality - Leontia Flynn

‘Poetry’, you are saying, ‘is nothing but personality…’
and I look out onto the row upon row of grey hills
and light striking the rooftops, and just at this moment
there isn’t much in my life I’d miss if it were over:
the weird cheerful meanness of people to each other,
about pay, status, odd grudges, responsibility;
work’s meaningless - but it’s opposite, leisure’s abyss!
a snake coiled in the chest morning after morning.

How do I cope when poetry is part of this bullshit?
Part of this racket? What you call ‘personality’
seems something heroic; it seems the rictus grin
on a student’s practice corpse - that breathes iambically
between each line, with their knives parting the skin,
‘love me, love me, love me, love me, love me…'

Of Course.

Oh wait. That thing that's so heavy? That poly angst? That's me, it's mine, not theirs. That's being left. That's the way that when I stop putting out they stop making time for me as a friend- or maybe just the fear of it. It's the grief of loss. That's fear of my own pain. Oh, Greenie, it's ok. It's ok. You don't need to bury it so deep.

Sleep tonight. Wake with this. Carry it a bit. It'll be ok. You'll see.