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And... morning again.
Nov. 13th, 2010 07:08 amThere's a particular feel to rainy winter mornings when you wake up long before the sun. It's almost magical: a special appreciation for the warmth of your bed, tea that tastes extra perfect, the sound of rain on the windows and the smell of predawn waiting for you. I love mornings in general and these are no exception.
I went to sleep early last night. I crashed at maybe 8 at the latest after dinner with mom and an absolutely gruelling day-- which itself followed only 4 hours sleep and a couple days that each took me to my limits. I woke in the middle of the night-- happens when I go to sleep so early, often --for some loneliness before I woke Angus up. Then there was more sleep and now it's dark out and the bedroom light is a tangible warm yellow thing protecting me for these last few minutes before I slip outside.
In the week since Sickle, 3 out of the 5 days have been too much for me, have ended in my being in pieces and not functional at all. Keep in mind one of those 5 days was a holiday. I'm getting good at putting myself together. I'm also getting worried about damage from this. I know that in the past, when I pushed myself to my emotional limits time after time, I was building up scar tissue. Now those scars are being slowly unpicked and healed, but I don't want to lay down new ones in spaces that are still relatively whole.
I also asked mom for some help with school tuition last night. I'm going to be about $800 short-- a silly tiny amount, all things considered, and not really an amount I want to take out a student loan for. She can't help me though-- she has no money, being under legal obligation to continue paying for two of my brothers' schooling (they are 22 and 25, the latter in his 6th year of paid-for school and paid-for accomodation) and choosing to pay for my brother in Japan's tuition and living expenses with what she has left.
I understand that she doesn't have the money and she'd do it if she could. Still, bitter. So I get to take a day off work this week if my bosses will let me (putting it at more like $900 I'll be short) to run around talking to people about student loans.
Oh well.
Time to eat breakfast and head back out.
I went to sleep early last night. I crashed at maybe 8 at the latest after dinner with mom and an absolutely gruelling day-- which itself followed only 4 hours sleep and a couple days that each took me to my limits. I woke in the middle of the night-- happens when I go to sleep so early, often --for some loneliness before I woke Angus up. Then there was more sleep and now it's dark out and the bedroom light is a tangible warm yellow thing protecting me for these last few minutes before I slip outside.
In the week since Sickle, 3 out of the 5 days have been too much for me, have ended in my being in pieces and not functional at all. Keep in mind one of those 5 days was a holiday. I'm getting good at putting myself together. I'm also getting worried about damage from this. I know that in the past, when I pushed myself to my emotional limits time after time, I was building up scar tissue. Now those scars are being slowly unpicked and healed, but I don't want to lay down new ones in spaces that are still relatively whole.
I also asked mom for some help with school tuition last night. I'm going to be about $800 short-- a silly tiny amount, all things considered, and not really an amount I want to take out a student loan for. She can't help me though-- she has no money, being under legal obligation to continue paying for two of my brothers' schooling (they are 22 and 25, the latter in his 6th year of paid-for school and paid-for accomodation) and choosing to pay for my brother in Japan's tuition and living expenses with what she has left.
I understand that she doesn't have the money and she'd do it if she could. Still, bitter. So I get to take a day off work this week if my bosses will let me (putting it at more like $900 I'll be short) to run around talking to people about student loans.
Oh well.
Time to eat breakfast and head back out.
