Wishing Creates Light

Talked with that boy today. It's the first time we've really talked-- I would say since the breakup, but it might be the first time we've really spoken together plainly and clearly with nothing in the way. It's the first time I, at least, was not speaking in from some strange pulling-my-punches-wanting-to-impress place, and he was just open and present with me.

It was an incredibly beautiful thing.

We spent some time unbundling the breakup-- non-monogamifying it, if you like: figuring out, a little, what bits had actually been the trouble for him and which bits hadn't. Then we talked about the ways we liked interacting, the ways we didn't so much, and the things that were complicated and fraught and really just had to be shelved and how long they might have to be shelved for.

I also made him chicken soup, cuz he's sick, and we spent some time not talking but just being together in various ways-- probably not the ways you expect.

I feel so incredibly much better there are not words to describe it. I had worried that he was asking me to permanently distance myself from him in a bunch of key ways, and it turns out he just needs other parts of my network to carry the weight so I don't drown him. I had worried I'd never be able to speak to him the way I speak to my real friends, and that came today maybe for the first time.

It is the best gift.