Dip, and Up

I finish these weeks pretty worn out. At the end of every Friday class I have this touch of panic, and an emotional drop-- I don't want to go back to the real world for the weekend, and there it waits for me. I've been in a world without physical touch, without a second's spare time, since Monday night and then everything gets dumped on its head. I'll have a couple of hours of homework, maybe a little more; I'll have likely a date with Michael that involves snuggling, some Burn Notice time planned with Andrew, and a bunch of homey type stuff with Angus. I'm not great at bridging that gap, and the transitions are a little rough. Luckily it seems to be more or less my term pattern. When changes like that are embedded in routine it becomes easier for me to deal with them: the thing has happened before a million times and no one died, so why should I worry now? Last night it only bothered me for a couple of hours.

Oh, look at this. Pretty snazzy, mm? That's me.

Soon the school portion will end Saturday early evening and begun Monday morning. There won't be much of a transition at all because there won't be much to transition to. Those will be very full six-day weeks, plus homework and likely work on the Sunday too. Honestly I can't wait for longer days that will allow me to work later; one ten or twelve hour day per weekend would make a big difference both to how much I need to cram into a week and also to my paycheque.

Work still loves me. I still have this weird sense of inadequacy there, like at some point they'll find me out and stop liking me. The last guy or three they had in my position were pretty awful, so since I've been working there the guys' stress levels have gone way down, apparently. I get all the work that needs to be done, always, no matter what-- sometimes I flex it, sometimes i take a longer lunch one day and skip lunch the next, sometimes things bleed over from one day to the next, some days I'm very thorough and some days I squeak through pretty quickly. Those things make me feel guilty, I guess, but there's both tacit and overt approval from my bosses, and I guess as long as everything gets done and they don't ever need to worry about it that's what I'm paid for. There's always more work to do to make things perfect than I have done, though. I would like everything to always be perfect.

I have my grow lights up in my house! I know I've said that before, but my mahoganies, which were languishing, are now thriving. I need to get decent pots for them, in fact. There's so much gardening I need/want to do. I guess the thing about grow lights in my house is, I've wanted them since I was 8 or so, and at 8 they were way beyond my allowance money. Since then I've been unstable, haven't had space-- but now here I am, with them over my computer. I could start tomatoes by my computer! I need to look up when Seedy Saturday is.

Angus has a fairly solid commitment for a barback-type job weekend evenings again, which means means wondrous things. For one, though he always had rent, I was carrying or worrying about a lot of our food budget and that can back off somewhat and let me resume tuition saving (I hope). For another, it means that even if I spend one night a week with Michael, I'll have an evening to myself in my home. This is... pretty exciting, to be honest. I'm also pretty damn impressed with the way Angus went about it: I'd been offering to help him with his resume, but was busy the day he started, so I gave him the communications book from school, which has a resume section, and told him to see how far he could go. He turned out a pretty snazzy product that fits the far thing well, and I didn't have to do anything. So, yay on that front.

Likewise paid and unpaid work is trickling in for Michael, things he loves doing, not quite enough to make a living on but closer; the total drought of money is clearing up some. I'm so glad. He's happier, and there's no way to complain about that.

For that matter, even Graydon is happier than he used to be; he moved, he was a zombie for, well, a long time, and now his shell's cracking open in my presence. Some people have moved further away from me in the last several weeks, but it seems people are also moving closer, and-- I can accept that. I'm not kicking against it.

Last night I watched Kingdom of Heaven and it's given me a serious yearning to rerererererereread the Elenium and Tamuli series by David Eddings. I might do that; I haven't been reading at all lately. There's also a book called Where the Wild Asparagus Grows or something like that which should be on my list. It would be nice to actually read again. It's escapist as all hell for me, almost to pathological levels, but it's calming.

The ring I have worn since Spring Mysteries last year, that reminded me to be at peace with change in all its facets, is starting to feel uncomfortable on my finger. It's not that my fingers are larger or smaller; it's just a presence that makes itself known where for so long I didn't think about it. Early Bird registration for the festival is up. It'll be interesting to see what happens this year.

Mmm. Nice to be conversational on here again. Talk to you soon.

Speaking Of

This is an communications assignment for school. Rough draft, and to be honest I never do polish them or tweak for readability because I don't think it changes my mark in any way, but here's to visioning. You already knew I was an idealist, right?:

Highlight your education and experience.

In addition to the variety of hands-on instruction I recieved through the BCIT sustainable resource management program, I've had many jobs which involved both problem-solving ecological issues such as indoor and outdoor landscaping with a number of companies and lots of experience doing heavy work with my hands in all weather conditions as when I landscaped through several winters or bicycle commuted to North Vancouver. I've spent a great deal of time in various sizes of teams in both a leader and support position in most of my landscaping, administrative, and volunteer positions, from horticultural team lead to VanDusen guide to client orientation, and also in working independently, most recently in my current job with Tropical Images. I love to learn, and I have a string of certifications, classes, and workshops to my name in addition to the BCIT accreditation-- particularly my Organic Master Gardener and Permaculture Design certificates, and nearly twenty classes taken through VanDusen Gardens and other organizations.


Why did you select SRMT at BCIT?

I work best when challenged to provide practical outcomes. The BCIT program offered the most breadth of hands-on experience along with professors who are absolutely grounded in their fields and bring everything home to the real world. As to why I chose this particular program, I've always loved working with plants, and as my knowledge and experience with plants grew I realised that you can't isolate one element from it's system. I find anything relating to ecosystems and especially plants riveting and intuitive, and have since I brought home my first cactus at age five. As such, an ecosystem management course is a perfect fit for me.

What criteria are you using to evaluate prospective employers?

A suitable employer's priorities in a work environment include respectful, open communication; dedication to both the environment and to employee well-being; and a level of challenge and variety to the type of work available which supports my complete focus and wholehearted effort.

What do you see yourself doing 5 years from now?

I see myself intimately involved in managing ecosystems for a purpose I consider beneficial to the environment and to nearby communities. I see myself immersing myself intimately in a project for days or weeks at a time, focusing completely, and then taking time to spend with my family or on my hobbies to recover. I would like to think I'll be working with like-minded, equally dedicated people.

How do you work under pressure?

I provide my best work under pressure, whether that's the pressure of a deadline or the pressure of an outcome which has an important affect in the world. Challenges provide me with focus, motivation, and they invite me to bring all my resources to bear on stepping up to them. My time at BCIT, taking a more-than-full course load and maintaining an A average while working just shy of full-time, is a good example of how I thrive under pressure.

What are the most important rewards you expect from your job?

I expect that, when I am done a particular piece of work, I will have the satisfaction of knowing that both people and the environment are better off because I've done it. I expect time flexibility in the workplace; I am happy to work around dates and deadlines and provide extra time and effort when needed, but in exchange I like to be able to take quantities of time to myself when it suits all parties. I expect to be paid enough, and reliably enough, that I can spend my time worrying about doing my job well rather than money-- and ideally so I can help my mother out when she retires. I expect to be able to experience and learn about a variety of ecosystems. Last but certainly not least, I expect the intellectual rewards that come from problem-solving and working with smart and dedicated colleagues.

If we are always good does God lose track of us?

The Answer

Is the clarity, the simplicity, an arriving
or an emptying out? If the heart persists
in waiting, does it begin to lessen?
If we are always good does God lose track
of us? When I wake at night, there is
something important there. Like the humming
of giant turbines in the high-ceilinged stations
in the slums. There is a silence in me,
absolute and inconvenient. I am haunted
by the day I walked through the Greek village
where everyone was asleep and somebody began
playing Chopin, slowly, faintly, inside
the upper floor of a plain white stone house.

by Jack Gilbert