![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
"Going Through Transition"
Mar. 25th, 2011 07:50 pmSo I've asked Angus to be out more-or-less for May 1st. We'll have lived here for 13 months; together for a couple more than that. He asked if we'd continue a relationship and I honestly don't know the answer to that question. Probably, definitely, I don't know a way not to be friends with him but there might need to be a period of mourning first or he might get his life in order and sail off into the sunset and not want me around anymore? How can you look into the future, anyhow? Certainly not when I've just finished finals (minutes ago), still have a few major assignments due, had the power out in my house for a couple of days, haven't had space to myself for a long time?
It will be very good for me to have my own place again.
I have a lot of thinking to do about moving-- I won't get all my damage deposit back, but I could probably knock $200 off my rent (It'll be about $1225 at that point, which was good when we were looking right before the Olympics but is a little high for this area right now). I need to keep a 2 bedroom or a really roomy 1-bedroom+den because of the rats. I need to keep hardwood floors (ideally) or I'll deal with laminate. I need to keep some sort of garden space. I'd like to stay in this area, or in a swathe directly east as far as a couple of blocks east of Hastings, maybe as far south as 15th or so. I'd like to keep a professional landlord company or at least not a creepy Vancouver landlord. If I move, more light will be mandatory.
I have a lot of self-care to do. I refuse to learn on Michael, who not only has his own very serious stuff (his dad's been diagnosed with terminal cancer. It's not supposed to last very long in the grand scheme of things) but really just can't deal with my leaning at the best of times. He is a good place of refuge, but only if I don't bring my storms along. I need to continue to cultivate friends who are immediately supportive in every important way: who provide snuggles, unweird straightforward comfortable conversation, who can hold me when I cry or allow me to use them as passive company, who offer advice and stories, who offer things sometimes without being asked, who eat with me. I need to continue to exercise well, I need to bike more. I need to spend time with the sun on my skin. I need to continue to connect with my classmates, who are an incredible source of support even through their own stresses-- in fact, those shared stresses are immensely reassuring.
Our school cohort is starting to drop-- the cute South African boy disappeared the other day and was very brief in texting that he wouldn't see us again, don't ask why. Today, trying to write the practical final in the rain, one of us ripped up the soggy mass of pulp that was his paper, threw it on the ground, and left. He may still pass the course and return, it was only 15% of the grade, but we were all pretty crispy today. Those who remain are tightening, a little at a time.
I need to find myself a bed, a bed that's mine, that's squooshy like marshmallows, and some kitchen stuff like pots, pans, and dishes.
I need to tell my mom.
I'm going to be okay. I just need to remember to eat, climb, and breathe.
If you know Angus, please, please be helpful and supportive to him. It's his depression that's the trouble here, he really needs to deal with it, and I can't make him do that or help him do it. I'm worried about him. If you can think of something to do, please, do that thing.
It will be very good for me to have my own place again.
I have a lot of thinking to do about moving-- I won't get all my damage deposit back, but I could probably knock $200 off my rent (It'll be about $1225 at that point, which was good when we were looking right before the Olympics but is a little high for this area right now). I need to keep a 2 bedroom or a really roomy 1-bedroom+den because of the rats. I need to keep hardwood floors (ideally) or I'll deal with laminate. I need to keep some sort of garden space. I'd like to stay in this area, or in a swathe directly east as far as a couple of blocks east of Hastings, maybe as far south as 15th or so. I'd like to keep a professional landlord company or at least not a creepy Vancouver landlord. If I move, more light will be mandatory.
I have a lot of self-care to do. I refuse to learn on Michael, who not only has his own very serious stuff (his dad's been diagnosed with terminal cancer. It's not supposed to last very long in the grand scheme of things) but really just can't deal with my leaning at the best of times. He is a good place of refuge, but only if I don't bring my storms along. I need to continue to cultivate friends who are immediately supportive in every important way: who provide snuggles, unweird straightforward comfortable conversation, who can hold me when I cry or allow me to use them as passive company, who offer advice and stories, who offer things sometimes without being asked, who eat with me. I need to continue to exercise well, I need to bike more. I need to spend time with the sun on my skin. I need to continue to connect with my classmates, who are an incredible source of support even through their own stresses-- in fact, those shared stresses are immensely reassuring.
Our school cohort is starting to drop-- the cute South African boy disappeared the other day and was very brief in texting that he wouldn't see us again, don't ask why. Today, trying to write the practical final in the rain, one of us ripped up the soggy mass of pulp that was his paper, threw it on the ground, and left. He may still pass the course and return, it was only 15% of the grade, but we were all pretty crispy today. Those who remain are tightening, a little at a time.
I need to find myself a bed, a bed that's mine, that's squooshy like marshmallows, and some kitchen stuff like pots, pans, and dishes.
I need to tell my mom.
I'm going to be okay. I just need to remember to eat, climb, and breathe.
If you know Angus, please, please be helpful and supportive to him. It's his depression that's the trouble here, he really needs to deal with it, and I can't make him do that or help him do it. I'm worried about him. If you can think of something to do, please, do that thing.
