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Today as I was leaving work, I thought what a relief it was to be able to come home and leisurely make food instead of stuffing something in my mouth on transit and rushing off to a thing. On the weekend I went canoeing with someone from work; I invited him to grab something for the BBQ afterwards and head over here for dinner. I didn't have to worry about the house being tidy, about pre-existing scheduling, anything. Just stuffing dishes in the dishwasher after.
When I have time (when I'm not working or making food) my tendency is to turn to making things: A skirt; hand lotion; soap; jam; pickles; pickled eggs; a journal entry; writing; a costume. The other way I occupy time is by maintaining: tidying my room, weeding the garden, mowing the lawn, scrubbing and oiling my body and inspecting it for cuts or blisters that require attention. If there were wood floors I'd be washing them. If it were my garden I'd be planting more. If I had more daytime hours I'd be picking rosepetals for mead.
I do like people. There are times in my life when I incline towards people much more than towards my own devices. This is not such a time. It does feel good to reach out to people. I've done some of that, a little on okcupid, a little on facebook, seeking folks who maybe might be my people. I don't know that I want to spend a lot of time on that, though, so maybe it's more the hope I want than the actual contact. Just a couple words here and there.
I would like to spend some time snuggling with someone, but the overhead to do so is very large. People take care and management. I have a lot of investment in my people in Vancouver, and I don't want to make that investment again right now. I like taking this time for myself. I like chatting with my housemate, "Grandma Bev", which doesn't require much but gives me someone to touch base about my day with and someone who shares some of my interests.
It is difficult for me to avoid depression in some ways, though. Work isn't keeping me super physically active every day, things come up to lessen the number of days in the bush or the length of them. I probably should use the warm lake and warm days to learn to swim. No sex, no physical contact. Some days I want to just lie in bed. There are things I'd like to do which I haven't done.
But in general I'm turning inwards, quieting, slipping into my natural rhythms. I feel ...relaxed. I feel strong enough to take what comes.
When I have time (when I'm not working or making food) my tendency is to turn to making things: A skirt; hand lotion; soap; jam; pickles; pickled eggs; a journal entry; writing; a costume. The other way I occupy time is by maintaining: tidying my room, weeding the garden, mowing the lawn, scrubbing and oiling my body and inspecting it for cuts or blisters that require attention. If there were wood floors I'd be washing them. If it were my garden I'd be planting more. If I had more daytime hours I'd be picking rosepetals for mead.
I do like people. There are times in my life when I incline towards people much more than towards my own devices. This is not such a time. It does feel good to reach out to people. I've done some of that, a little on okcupid, a little on facebook, seeking folks who maybe might be my people. I don't know that I want to spend a lot of time on that, though, so maybe it's more the hope I want than the actual contact. Just a couple words here and there.
I would like to spend some time snuggling with someone, but the overhead to do so is very large. People take care and management. I have a lot of investment in my people in Vancouver, and I don't want to make that investment again right now. I like taking this time for myself. I like chatting with my housemate, "Grandma Bev", which doesn't require much but gives me someone to touch base about my day with and someone who shares some of my interests.
It is difficult for me to avoid depression in some ways, though. Work isn't keeping me super physically active every day, things come up to lessen the number of days in the bush or the length of them. I probably should use the warm lake and warm days to learn to swim. No sex, no physical contact. Some days I want to just lie in bed. There are things I'd like to do which I haven't done.
But in general I'm turning inwards, quieting, slipping into my natural rhythms. I feel ...relaxed. I feel strong enough to take what comes.
