Rising and Falling

I've been in a lot of pain lately. There have been some very difficult things about work; work is already at the limits of my abilities, so whenever it gets more intense I really feel it. I'm in the process of figuring out... well, Tucker and I are trying to sort whether we're staying together, and if so, how. And relating to all that is: do I keep my home? What about my animals? What about this career?

And I have been doing badly at figuring these things out, and my brain has been doing plenty of weird and bad things at me. Like, scary bad.

So, I sent some emails out to counsellors today. Of course there aren't many local, so there's one local one who looks ok (can maybe deal with autonomous/non-hierarchical non-monogamy, gender stuff, I guess I honestly don't consider my sexual orientation a big deal anymore but that too, and since she's local she probably ha some grasp of rural stuff) and a couple who do the equivalent of skype. I will hear back from them and do an exploratory session and then decide.

I can tell I'm in a bad way because I am having trouble with the idea of telling anyone that I've found a better fit after an exploratory session.

I can tell I'm in a bad way because I've been worried about situations where I might harm myself.

I can tell I'm in a bad way because I cried in front of my boss when I told him I wouldn't be able to do many extra hours in the next while because I was dealing with a private health issue.

So I'm taking steps. It'll be very very expensive -- my benefits don't cover very much of this sort of thing -- but I'll use up what coverage I have and see where I am at.

Rising and Falling

I've been in a lot of pain lately. There have been some very difficult things about work; work is already at the limits of my abilities, so whenever it gets more intense I really feel it. I'm in the process of figuring out... well, Tucker and I are trying to sort whether we're staying together, and if so, how. And relating to all that is: do I keep my home? What about my animals? What about this career?

And I have been doing badly at figuring these things out, and my brain has been doing plenty of weird and bad things at me. Like, scary bad.

So, I sent some emails out to counsellors today. Of course there aren't many local, so there's one local one who looks ok (can maybe deal with autonomous/non-hierarchical non-monogamy, gender stuff, I guess I honestly don't consider my sexual orientation a big deal anymore but that too, and since she's local she probably ha some grasp of rural stuff) and a couple who do the equivalent of skype. I will hear back from them and do an exploratory session and then decide.

I can tell I'm in a bad way because I am having trouble with the idea of telling anyone that I've found a better fit after an exploratory session.

I can tell I'm in a bad way because I've been worried about situations where I might harm myself.

I can tell I'm in a bad way because I cried in front of my boss when I told him I wouldn't be able to do many extra hours in the next while because I was dealing with a private health issue.

So I'm taking steps. It'll be very very expensive -- my benefits don't cover very much of this sort of thing -- but I'll use up what coverage I have and see where I am at.