Work Relationships

Seems like it's time to do some sorting. Here we go.

In many ways my local work relationships are the perfect relationships for me. I came to work at this location because of these people. My boss came for the same reason, actually: because he respected and was friends with the folks who work here. He started the same year I did, but I was only here as a summer student; I left for a year and came back after trying another place that suited me much less well.

I'm a department of one at the moment. I have a ton of autonomy insofar as anyone can have autonomy in the nest of government regulations and personalities, first nations concerns, and nested process that makes up forestry. Both my boss and another colleague are super experts at what I do: they trained people to do what I do for at least a couple decades each, they literally helped write the manual, all that. Both are completely supportive and answer any questions I have; when I ask a tricky question they tend to pull both into a room and go back and forth on it a little so I can see how two very different processes arrive at an answer. My boss usually pulls information and preferences and reasoning out of me, and it's always clear in the end that either I am making the final decision (usually) or very rarely that my boss is overruling me and taking responsibility for the consequences.

It's amazing to feel respected, not just for a quantity of knowledge (my own will never match these guys) but for my own unique approach to problem solving and to running my department.

I also feel really seen emotionally. When something is rough at work we all have a lot of empathy for each other. When I hold professional or personal boundaries around something they are respected. When I call out my boss on a social justice issue he listens and thanks me. If I'm super stressed I can work with the door closed and music on, or work from home, and after an "are you ok?" I can talk about it, not talk about it, or dismiss the question as I please. My boss is pretty transparent about this last while being rough on all of us including him, but he presents it in a way where I don't feel I need to caretake (which honestly I didn't know was possible?). When I bring up an ethical question about work it's treated with complete seriousness, and always receives the same treatment as any other serious and often complicated question.

Everyone is very loyal to each other.

Everyone is as kind as they are able, and their ability is considerable.

Folks get together outside of work from time to time, but no one's excluded for not joining (I usually don't join).

And that's what makes it so different and so wonderful compared to so many other types of relationship I've had through my life: the relationship part is at-will and optional. If I work with my door closed, only speak about professional things, and don't visit outside of work for a month that is perfectly fine. If I wander down to my boss' office every second day and sit and chat with him, and suggest a movie-and-cooking night that is also perfectly fine and if he doesn't feel like engaging he'll let me know.

So many people have demanded performative intimacy from me on a regular basis in my life. I have felt the need for performative intimacy from other people as a way of reassuring myself. I've lived my life tied to schedules (poly was really bad for this for a long time) where the number of hours spent on a regular basis was supposed to indicate how important the relationship was, how special the person was, or how long-lived the relationship would be. Often there's the expectation that certain kinds of thoughts or feelings wil be disclosed instantly, or even at all. One of the people who recently opted out of my life did so because I didn't perform the types of intimacy he wanted: I didn't do certain kinds of talking, I didn't write sufficiently about being sad without him in my journal. I talk a lot. I share what's on my mind quite a bit. I analyse things when I have time and energy. I do it because I want to share those things, though, and the first hint of punishment for withholding closes me up tight forever.

Insofar as I can within this society I'm shaking off the need for conformance. It's difficult. It requires that I interact primarily with folks who take a similar approach, and in a lot of cases that means just staying away from anything romantic or that's supposed to be permanent or long-term. I have a handful of people who can-- you know, I was going to say I have people who can handle this, but what I mean is there are people in my world who also thrive on it. There are people who love me extra because we respect each others' space and time and boundaries. There are folks who don't count the number of hours socialized or secrets given and rank each person in order to measure out just the correct amount of love. I have people with whom the fabric of trust is just... present.

And a lot of those people are at work. I learned a lot of those skills from work. Work reinforces that it's ok to live this way.

Now, there's a lot to be said about the merger between this local site and our other one that happened a couple years ago, about the relationships with the folks over there, about how poorly that went down. All of that is tied up in this change at work: the two sites are separating and will be under different management. That gives me a chance to maybe work primarily with the folks I came here for. Except. No one knows what the new management will be like, and none of us are guaranteed our jobs back. So at the end of a couple months I could be back at the job I moved here for, or I could be without anything at all.

So yeah, stress. These people, and these relationships, are what I might be losing.

Work Relationships

Seems like it's time to do some sorting. Here we go.

In many ways my local work relationships are the perfect relationships for me. I came to work at this location because of these people. My boss came for the same reason, actually: because he respected and was friends with the folks who work here. He started the same year I did, but I was only here as a summer student; I left for a year and came back after trying another place that suited me much less well.

I'm a department of one at the moment. I have a ton of autonomy insofar as anyone can have autonomy in the nest of government regulations and personalities, first nations concerns, and nested process that makes up forestry. Both my boss and another colleague are super experts at what I do: they trained people to do what I do for at least a couple decades each, they literally helped write the manual, all that. Both are completely supportive and answer any questions I have; when I ask a tricky question they tend to pull both into a room and go back and forth on it a little so I can see how two very different processes arrive at an answer. My boss usually pulls information and preferences and reasoning out of me, and it's always clear in the end that either I am making the final decision (usually) or very rarely that my boss is overruling me and taking responsibility for the consequences.

It's amazing to feel respected, not just for a quantity of knowledge (my own will never match these guys) but for my own unique approach to problem solving and to running my department.

I also feel really seen emotionally. When something is rough at work we all have a lot of empathy for each other. When I hold professional or personal boundaries around something they are respected. When I call out my boss on a social justice issue he listens and thanks me. If I'm super stressed I can work with the door closed and music on, or work from home, and after an "are you ok?" I can talk about it, not talk about it, or dismiss the question as I please. My boss is pretty transparent about this last while being rough on all of us including him, but he presents it in a way where I don't feel I need to caretake (which honestly I didn't know was possible?). When I bring up an ethical question about work it's treated with complete seriousness, and always receives the same treatment as any other serious and often complicated question.

Everyone is very loyal to each other.

Everyone is as kind as they are able, and their ability is considerable.

Folks get together outside of work from time to time, but no one's excluded for not joining (I usually don't join).

And that's what makes it so different and so wonderful compared to so many other types of relationship I've had through my life: the relationship part is at-will and optional. If I work with my door closed, only speak about professional things, and don't visit outside of work for a month that is perfectly fine. If I wander down to my boss' office every second day and sit and chat with him, and suggest a movie-and-cooking night that is also perfectly fine and if he doesn't feel like engaging he'll let me know.

So many people have demanded performative intimacy from me on a regular basis in my life. I have felt the need for performative intimacy from other people as a way of reassuring myself. I've lived my life tied to schedules (poly was really bad for this for a long time) where the number of hours spent on a regular basis was supposed to indicate how important the relationship was, how special the person was, or how long-lived the relationship would be. Often there's the expectation that certain kinds of thoughts or feelings wil be disclosed instantly, or even at all. One of the people who recently opted out of my life did so because I didn't perform the types of intimacy he wanted: I didn't do certain kinds of talking, I didn't write sufficiently about being sad without him in my journal. I talk a lot. I share what's on my mind quite a bit. I analyse things when I have time and energy. I do it because I want to share those things, though, and the first hint of punishment for withholding closes me up tight forever.

Insofar as I can within this society I'm shaking off the need for conformance. It's difficult. It requires that I interact primarily with folks who take a similar approach, and in a lot of cases that means just staying away from anything romantic or that's supposed to be permanent or long-term. I have a handful of people who can-- you know, I was going to say I have people who can handle this, but what I mean is there are people in my world who also thrive on it. There are people who love me extra because we respect each others' space and time and boundaries. There are folks who don't count the number of hours socialized or secrets given and rank each person in order to measure out just the correct amount of love. I have people with whom the fabric of trust is just... present.

And a lot of those people are at work. I learned a lot of those skills from work. Work reinforces that it's ok to live this way.

Now, there's a lot to be said about the merger between this local site and our other one that happened a couple years ago, about the relationships with the folks over there, about how poorly that went down. All of that is tied up in this change at work: the two sites are separating and will be under different management. That gives me a chance to maybe work primarily with the folks I came here for. Except. No one knows what the new management will be like, and none of us are guaranteed our jobs back. So at the end of a couple months I could be back at the job I moved here for, or I could be without anything at all.

So yeah, stress. These people, and these relationships, are what I might be losing.