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The only constant
Oct. 8th, 2019 10:31 amWell, now.
Last night it snowed. I'm not ready but then I never am? The snow may not stick out the week yet and I may have a chance to rake before the snowblower.
Yesterday I was given notice; the company isn't waiting it out till the sale. That removes some of my decision-making load anyhow; I have the less money/more time offer in my back pocket and I'll move forward with that. My life will be changing. Last day of work is Friday the the 18th, federal election is the Monday. The following week is hunting/butchering with Josh. Then I will start the new job.
This week Tucker is at his parents'. He's... it's hard that he's on the other side of the continent right now, it's hard that he's seeing his other partners and not me, it's hard that he's not prioritizing time to talk to me over there. But, except, well. So this is someone who actually really does the work. In the couple years that we've been together he's been setting boundaries, striving for things, enjoying things. Being back there is like flicking a switch; we talked a little last night and the depression/self-loathing was turned up to 11, enough that it was very very difficult. Every couple sentences there was an insinuation that the relationship would end, that I was stupid and horrible for liking him, that he was going to do all sorts of deliberate self-harm that was just deniable enough that I wasn't sure what to say.
I don't know how to handle this. I am out of my depth. There's no way to argue with someone's self-loathing, and I'm too far away to get a blanket and offer tea and snuggles and a rewatch of The Last Unicorn. It triggers all my worries about being *inconvenient*: when my presence is treated with such indifference and I have to push hard to have time made to talk to me at all it's a struggle not to back right off. And maybe I should back right off? It has the effect of putting me in my abused place, in walking on eggshells and disappearing as much as possible.
And of course my emotional resources are so low right now. I'm losing my job, I'm going to be worried about money for a bit, my partners are far away and can't support me through this right now, my community has mostly been my work people & I'm losing those too. I haven't been sleeping well with one thing and another, mostly from just being busy.
Luckily I have a whole bunch of beets to can/ferment. Such a concrete gesture of hope for the future coupled with visible achievement always helps me.
I mean, I'm also hopeful about the new job, about having time to myself, about creating a domain and running it in reasonable and orderly fashion, and about doing so in service to the environment (my current position has been so removed from the ecosystems I work in, really). I'm excited about my hunting/butchering week. I'm enjoying my harvest so immensely and can't wait to take down notes on what varieties of which I'm growing again and how I'm organizing things in the future.
Things are really mixed right now. I'd like to have someone bring me a nice cup of tea with milk and honey and pet my hair. I'd like to rewatch The Last Unicorn while snuggling, and eat jam on sourdough english muffins (the sourdough is such an amazing compliment to fruit). I'd like to cry some and have that be ok.
Given a sufficiency of time everything will happen.
Last night it snowed. I'm not ready but then I never am? The snow may not stick out the week yet and I may have a chance to rake before the snowblower.
Yesterday I was given notice; the company isn't waiting it out till the sale. That removes some of my decision-making load anyhow; I have the less money/more time offer in my back pocket and I'll move forward with that. My life will be changing. Last day of work is Friday the the 18th, federal election is the Monday. The following week is hunting/butchering with Josh. Then I will start the new job.
This week Tucker is at his parents'. He's... it's hard that he's on the other side of the continent right now, it's hard that he's seeing his other partners and not me, it's hard that he's not prioritizing time to talk to me over there. But, except, well. So this is someone who actually really does the work. In the couple years that we've been together he's been setting boundaries, striving for things, enjoying things. Being back there is like flicking a switch; we talked a little last night and the depression/self-loathing was turned up to 11, enough that it was very very difficult. Every couple sentences there was an insinuation that the relationship would end, that I was stupid and horrible for liking him, that he was going to do all sorts of deliberate self-harm that was just deniable enough that I wasn't sure what to say.
I don't know how to handle this. I am out of my depth. There's no way to argue with someone's self-loathing, and I'm too far away to get a blanket and offer tea and snuggles and a rewatch of The Last Unicorn. It triggers all my worries about being *inconvenient*: when my presence is treated with such indifference and I have to push hard to have time made to talk to me at all it's a struggle not to back right off. And maybe I should back right off? It has the effect of putting me in my abused place, in walking on eggshells and disappearing as much as possible.
And of course my emotional resources are so low right now. I'm losing my job, I'm going to be worried about money for a bit, my partners are far away and can't support me through this right now, my community has mostly been my work people & I'm losing those too. I haven't been sleeping well with one thing and another, mostly from just being busy.
Luckily I have a whole bunch of beets to can/ferment. Such a concrete gesture of hope for the future coupled with visible achievement always helps me.
I mean, I'm also hopeful about the new job, about having time to myself, about creating a domain and running it in reasonable and orderly fashion, and about doing so in service to the environment (my current position has been so removed from the ecosystems I work in, really). I'm excited about my hunting/butchering week. I'm enjoying my harvest so immensely and can't wait to take down notes on what varieties of which I'm growing again and how I'm organizing things in the future.
Things are really mixed right now. I'd like to have someone bring me a nice cup of tea with milk and honey and pet my hair. I'd like to rewatch The Last Unicorn while snuggling, and eat jam on sourdough english muffins (the sourdough is such an amazing compliment to fruit). I'd like to cry some and have that be ok.
Given a sufficiency of time everything will happen.
