Nov. 15th, 2019

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In 2013 I think? 2012? I was volunteering at Urban Digs farm near Vancouver. They were a little peri-urban place that did mixed ag: field crops and meat. I was living in New West. I was going to forestry tech school in the evenings, working & volunteering during the day -- or was this after I finished that first round of school?

Anyhow, the person who ran the farm brought home some rabbits from auction and one of them was too friendly to eat (she had a bunch of meat rabbits). That rabbit was Taoshi, who seemed a lot like an English Spot. I was offered the rabbit, she came home with me, and I needed to get her a friend. Urban Digs offered me my choice of any of their litters.

The litter I selected from was a Flemish Giant x New Zealand, maybe not a pure 50-50 cross but that's what went into it. Before the babies opened their eyes there was one that was just the right one: the right colour, the right one. I remember what she looked like nestled in her mom's fur, still mostly pink, a perfect sunshine caramel rather than a white rabbit or a darker agouti.

When she was old enough I took her home to Taoshi and they... didn't really get along. Taoshi annoyed Mella for being too active, Mella annoyed Taoshi for being too territorial and boring. They fought a bunch. Mella turned out to very much take after Flemish Giants in size and bone structure. She was a big bony girl with very particular ideas.

They lived together in a puppy pen in my livingroom for the most part: they could see everything that was going on and take part if they wanted. They came out for free time. Mella didn't want me to touch her at first so Taoshi got most of the physical attention, though I talked to both of them. Mel was the smart one; when I fed them in the morning she realized that if she woke me up earlier she'd get fed earlier and she'd alarm-stomp a little earlier each day. I eventually switched to feeding them in the evening.

She would allow me to pet her nose, though, and in time when she realized I was no longer trying to pick her up she'd start coming up to me, facing me and touching her chin to the floor to indicate that it was time to pet her.

When I was in my car accident Taoshi ran away and Mella stayed. She came to the hospital with me, then home to the room I was renting as I got through university. At this point her pen was in my bedroom, but I left it open often. I had my mattress on the floor at that time and she'd come snuggle with me in bed. It was a dark, hard time and she absolutely got me through it. I think she was having a hard time too, honestly. Anyhow, we made it through together. She got spayed around this time and got a little easier to handle but she definitely had her preferences and made no bones about her boundaries.

I suppose that was when we really started to bond.

After the accident I knew she needed a rabbit friend so I took her speed-dating. Rabbits are particular about their friends and rabbit speed dating is a thing that really exists! The person at the rabbit rescue suggested she'd be better off as an only rabbit after she ignored/lunged at something like fifteen potential friends in a row.

The rescue was a failure but by chance there was a litter of bunnies at the local spca. I think there were 10 babies in the litter? Anyhow, I brought her in and she ignored all the babies except one: Juniper cuddled with her a little or licked her ears. So, Juniper came home (Juniper's brother Odin came home too, to keep the young one company in case Mella didn't want to play but the baby did). Odin had - maybe neurological issues? and only lived a couple years. Juniper got along so well with Mella, and they snuggled and groomed each other and slept together and were always in carriers together until yesterday. June would always lick Mella's enormous sail ears when she asked.

She had always had a bit of a splay leg in the front. Her energy level definitely wound down over time and she was pretty mellow to begin with. A couple months ago her back end stopped functioning as well and she was having trouble getting into and out of the litter box. A couple times she got caught over the edge and I helped her in or out. Last week she couldn't get in or out anymore and was just lying by the water; I put her in the soft hay-lined litterbox. She didn't seem to have control of her front paws either and I brought her little bowls of water several times a day and put food right in front of her. She ate and drank fine and her bowls were working but she couldn't move away from the pile of poop, or from the urine that soaked her back. I bathed her a couple times but rabbit fur doesn't dry that quickly and I was worried.

It was clear after a few days that she wasn't regaining any movement. She was still always happy to see me (by this time in our relationship she was happy to see me, had been really ever since the accident). She drank and ate and got treats. But it was time.

Yesterday I put Mella and June into the carrier together for the last time. Tucker drove me to the vet, since I didn't trust myself to drive. She stayed in the carrier, getting petted and being with June, until the first sedative kicked in. I was petting her so much that she licked me in reciprocal grooming which she seldom did to humans. Then she got brought up to the table and lay in the curve of my arm on a blanket. Sleepy as she was she still resisted the butterfly needle being put into the vein in her ear and she took a whole lot of sedative. Very slowly she relaxed. Even with all that in her she resisted another needleful going into her ear several minutes later. She kept breathing for a long time. I petted her and thanked her.

She had given me her whole life.

You can never repay or be worthy of a thing like that.

Eventually her heart stopped beating. There was blood from her ear on my hand. I kissed her forehead where she liked being petted and put my head down in rabbit language for "please pet me" but of course she didn't move.

I keep remembering her as a little baby in her mother's nest.

She had been with me her whole life.

She never did compromise for me. All my animals that I have now, they pretty much adore me and will do things to seek my attention and praise. Mella just went on being herself the whole time.

I wish I could have known what she thought about things better.

I love her very much.

Goodbye, Mella.
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Address to Winnie in Paris

By Sarah Manguso


Winnie, I am writing this on behalf of my friend Harris. He loves you and wants you to love him. I have never been to Paris, but I have heard that it is a good place to be in love in.The Arc de Triomphe is real. The Jardin des Tuileries is real. The Eiffel Tower is very real. The carafe of wine, the remains of dinner, the bill: all real. None are necessary to your life.

Harris has confided that he enjoys dating. To profess such a thing is to advertise a facility for one kind of loneliness, which has nothing to do with the other kind: the one you did not know was there until afterward.The part of the betrayal which wounds the most is hearing that it has already happened.

Diderot wrote that the word is not the thing, but a flash in whose light we perceive the thing. Plato wrote of the need to be reconjoined with the rest of oneself. My analyst speaks of codependent impulses in modern society. These various explanations are metaphors for an inaccessible truth.

In de Laclos, a betrayal is an invitation to a string of further betrayals, each one taking you further from the original. If the hell for lovers consists in being betrayed, the hell for the beloved consists in betraying. These hells constitute the world.

A much older friend writes: Most romances do not last, and it is best to forget them. Tolstoy writes: All happy families are alike. My teacher says: Bad poems are all bad for the same reason: imprecision.

Around you move many seas. It is impossible not to drown a little. In Bulfinch's, an anchor is let down into the garden. This is to remind us that we live underwater.

Up above the high-water mark, angels with their teeth and their sharp little wings watch us with murderous disinterest. They sentence us for the one crime we all commit.

It is said by area doctors that cowboys notoriously misrepresent their degree of pain. For this reason their diseases progress far beyond the point at which treatment is beneficial. Are they lying?

If I could read only one sentence for the rest of my life, it would be the one where the jailer says to Socrates I can see that you are a good man, the best one that has ever been in this place.

These examples are meant to dissuade you, Winnie, from loving men other than my friend Harris. He asked me to write this poem.

Arvol Looking Horse, a Sioux leader, called Devils Tower the heart of everything that is. Very large objects remind us of the possibility of the infinite, which has no size at all. But we understand it as something very, very large.

What the lover seeks is the possibility of return, the strange heart beating under every stone.

Well

Nov. 15th, 2019 07:30 pm
greenstorm: (Default)
Remember when I got all those african violet leaves in anticipation of not getting fired?

Well, I went to tend them today and a bunch are finally sending up babies. Many others are well-rooted.

The early babies are:
Emerald pink
Smooch me x2
LE Roza Vetrov
Cajun's fair maiden
23 Rechka scrverka x2
Neon halo
Wizzard's shadowed lady
LE vesnianka
LE belaya kamelia x2
Ancient lace x2
Tina's april fantasy
Imp's billowing cloak x2

Well

Nov. 15th, 2019 07:30 pm
greenstorm: (Default)
Remember when I got all those african violet leaves in anticipation of not getting fired?

Well, I went to tend them today and a bunch are finally sending up babies. Many others are well-rooted.

The early babies are:
Emerald pink
Smooch me x2
LE Roza Vetrov
Cajun's fair maiden
23 Rechka scrverka x2
Neon halo
Wizzard's shadowed lady
LE vesnianka
LE belaya kamelia x2
Ancient lace x2
Tina's april fantasy
Imp's billowing cloak x2

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