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Loaner brain
Jan. 28th, 2020 04:09 pmI suppose I have fewer illusions than many other people that my mind is somehow my own, or that my self is some sort of continuously existing entity.
My menstrual cycle contributes to this sense of self-fluidity: on specific days I want to be close with other people, or far from them. On specific days I am a tidy person or an untidy one, an energetic person or a drained shadow, an extrovert or an introvert, someone who wants sex with new folks or someone who can't stand anyone I don't know well to touch me.
The most recent time I tried taking hormonal birth control pills, I was suicidal in 4 days. It took me six months to get back to somewhere near normal.
Going to school - that environment turned me from a confident person to someone who struggles with self-worth and leaving it slowly flipped that switch back.
But above it all, I reliably need to be outside doing hard labour for many hours a week. That's the difference between happiness and uselessness, between feeling my place in the world and feeling outside of it, between... well, it doesn't matter. It's transformative. I'm a different person.
My mind has never been my own, it's only something that I'm borrowing for awhile.
My menstrual cycle contributes to this sense of self-fluidity: on specific days I want to be close with other people, or far from them. On specific days I am a tidy person or an untidy one, an energetic person or a drained shadow, an extrovert or an introvert, someone who wants sex with new folks or someone who can't stand anyone I don't know well to touch me.
The most recent time I tried taking hormonal birth control pills, I was suicidal in 4 days. It took me six months to get back to somewhere near normal.
Going to school - that environment turned me from a confident person to someone who struggles with self-worth and leaving it slowly flipped that switch back.
But above it all, I reliably need to be outside doing hard labour for many hours a week. That's the difference between happiness and uselessness, between feeling my place in the world and feeling outside of it, between... well, it doesn't matter. It's transformative. I'm a different person.
My mind has never been my own, it's only something that I'm borrowing for awhile.
