Narrative Cement

At the heart of a good life is a strong internal narrative of some sort, one that imbues life with some meaning or purpose, and with a coherent explanation. Are you the hero of your story? If so, what qualities make you heroic, what are the challenges you surmount, and what are your acceptable defeats? Are you the villain of the story, where the focus is on a set of perceived negatives and your good qualities are throwaway backstory? Are you a supporting character, with your success defined by the actions or results of a person or a movement?

These narratives are always created, of course. I no longer believe there's a Grand Storymaster that interprets everything that happens. Probably I never did, but always wished there was.

I create narratives through this journal often; I tell the stories of my relationships to things. I bring meaning into existence with my words; I reinforce that what I do is worthwhile. I think everyone needs this on some level.

Therapy assists us in creating narratives. It gives us tools: possibilities from which to choose and ways of cementing those possibilities into new narratives. Many of these we're given when young, or given through our cultures, and if they don't serve us they can do harm.

I've been thinking about this lately, since I started journaling again. But last night brought another piece into focus for me:

One of the main ways we create narratives is through our friends. Friends are grouped together through shared understandings of the world. Some piece of our narrative overlaps theirs, and so those stories run along together and reinforce each other for awhile.

When something happens that itches at our narrative we tell it to our friends and hash out meanings together: Your ex was an asshole, it's not your fault. It's tragic what happened to your mom. Did you hear that our friend transgressed but she seems happy so I think the transgression wasn't so bad after all. You did something bad but if you apologize it will be fine. No, that other thing you did is unforgiveable without active reparation.

That's how our values are created and reinforced, through these conversations and through the stories we read.

Right now I have very very few of that kind of friend so it's more of a struggle to maintain the narratives I need. It's also true that many of my urban friends have narratives that villanize rural folks. I push back against that pressure internally but it's hard, just like pushing back against mono- or hetero- or whatever norms is hard. Consuming related media helps.

I'm thinking of this because last night I was at the final dinner at the pub with folks I used to work with. Everyone keeps asking me how this job is going. The job is honestly opposite in every way; you've heard a bunch about that already I think. I said something to the effect that I'm still figuring it out, but the pace was definitely slower. Someone who'd previously worked with my current organization said: "fine, you can coast if you want. But I think you should grab a project and make it your own".

She said it insistently, over and over. And finally I said, "when I pick up a project I sink my teeth into it and let go, so right now I'm looking around for the project that I want to commit to".(*)

My previous coworkers nodded with understanding and I'd been picking at it since. I wanted to come home and talk about it with a friend. I wanted to say, "she said that but what she didn't know is the true narrative, that I'm merely saving my energy for a thing worthy of me and suited to me". I wanted to say, "she wouldn't have said that about getting married after knowing a person less than six months; for me this is also a commitment". I wanted a friend to know me well enough to agree with me that my narrative was correct and that hers was mis-applied.

And goodness knows I'd love to talk about the current land control disputes in this area right now with someone who'd ever set foot in a town with more than 10% indigenous residents or less than 3000 people total.

But I don't have many friends I talk to. There are plenty of people I value highly, but I don't talk to them much. I'm not an emailer, I'm not a telephone, and I'm not much of a traveller (now there's a narrative for you!). And no matter how much I write I do need an element of social or human reinforcement for my narratives about other humans.

So I guess that once again I've circled around to feeling that I need more friends up here but that I need to choose them carefully.

Well, there you have it. A narrative about creating narrative.





*I just looked this up after years of it bothering me: "The American style presents the period inside the quotation marks, whereas the British style places the period outside the quotation marks". I *thought* I'd seen it both ways. Canadians-do-British-and-American-ad-hoc-English will be the death of me.

Narrative Cement

At the heart of a good life is a strong internal narrative of some sort, one that imbues life with some meaning or purpose, and with a coherent explanation. Are you the hero of your story? If so, what qualities make you heroic, what are the challenges you surmount, and what are your acceptable defeats? Are you the villain of the story, where the focus is on a set of perceived negatives and your good qualities are throwaway backstory? Are you a supporting character, with your success defined by the actions or results of a person or a movement?

These narratives are always created, of course. I no longer believe there's a Grand Storymaster that interprets everything that happens. Probably I never did, but always wished there was.

I create narratives through this journal often; I tell the stories of my relationships to things. I bring meaning into existence with my words; I reinforce that what I do is worthwhile. I think everyone needs this on some level.

Therapy assists us in creating narratives. It gives us tools: possibilities from which to choose and ways of cementing those possibilities into new narratives. Many of these we're given when young, or given through our cultures, and if they don't serve us they can do harm.

I've been thinking about this lately, since I started journaling again. But last night brought another piece into focus for me:

One of the main ways we create narratives is through our friends. Friends are grouped together through shared understandings of the world. Some piece of our narrative overlaps theirs, and so those stories run along together and reinforce each other for awhile.

When something happens that itches at our narrative we tell it to our friends and hash out meanings together: Your ex was an asshole, it's not your fault. It's tragic what happened to your mom. Did you hear that our friend transgressed but she seems happy so I think the transgression wasn't so bad after all. You did something bad but if you apologize it will be fine. No, that other thing you did is unforgiveable without active reparation.

That's how our values are created and reinforced, through these conversations and through the stories we read.

Right now I have very very few of that kind of friend so it's more of a struggle to maintain the narratives I need. It's also true that many of my urban friends have narratives that villanize rural folks. I push back against that pressure internally but it's hard, just like pushing back against mono- or hetero- or whatever norms is hard. Consuming related media helps.

I'm thinking of this because last night I was at the final dinner at the pub with folks I used to work with. Everyone keeps asking me how this job is going. The job is honestly opposite in every way; you've heard a bunch about that already I think. I said something to the effect that I'm still figuring it out, but the pace was definitely slower. Someone who'd previously worked with my current organization said: "fine, you can coast if you want. But I think you should grab a project and make it your own".

She said it insistently, over and over. And finally I said, "when I pick up a project I sink my teeth into it and let go, so right now I'm looking around for the project that I want to commit to".(*)

My previous coworkers nodded with understanding and I'd been picking at it since. I wanted to come home and talk about it with a friend. I wanted to say, "she said that but what she didn't know is the true narrative, that I'm merely saving my energy for a thing worthy of me and suited to me". I wanted to say, "she wouldn't have said that about getting married after knowing a person less than six months; for me this is also a commitment". I wanted a friend to know me well enough to agree with me that my narrative was correct and that hers was mis-applied.

And goodness knows I'd love to talk about the current land control disputes in this area right now with someone who'd ever set foot in a town with more than 10% indigenous residents or less than 3000 people total.

But I don't have many friends I talk to. There are plenty of people I value highly, but I don't talk to them much. I'm not an emailer, I'm not a telephone, and I'm not much of a traveller (now there's a narrative for you!). And no matter how much I write I do need an element of social or human reinforcement for my narratives about other humans.

So I guess that once again I've circled around to feeling that I need more friends up here but that I need to choose them carefully.

Well, there you have it. A narrative about creating narrative.





*I just looked this up after years of it bothering me: "The American style presents the period inside the quotation marks, whereas the British style places the period outside the quotation marks". I *thought* I'd seen it both ways. Canadians-do-British-and-American-ad-hoc-English will be the death of me.