Guts

I've just finished scalding and gutting a suckling pig. She was born Sept 29 so that puts her at just shy of 7 weeks. She's a nice size for roasting and the scalding went pretty ok; it would have done really easily in a mechanical plucker I think. She had a rectal prolapse that I couldn't get to go back inside her; I saw it this morning and brought her in (she seemed cold) to warm up and in the hopes that I could fix it. I could not. So maybe this is my first entirely solo pig kill; I used the little captive bolt stunner.

The little ones have been somewhat constipated, which is probably the root cause of this. I've been trying to get them to drink water but they just will not. At this point I'm mixing enough water with their grains to just be a very very wet soup. Maybe I should try bringing them hot water?

This girl was the daughter of Black Chunk, who was herself born here. She has three uncastrated male siblings that will become their own roasters in mid-December, but I'm getting them done professionally.

It's getting dark out there now - 4:30 is dusk with daylight savings time - and the pigs are frolicking all over, chasing each other and having zoomies. I think someone might be in heat, and I think Rapunzel might be pregnant. I have Penny on my calendar as due on American Thanksgiving but she's not looking super round. I guess we will see.

Tucker reminded me that even though things are getting better for me, I told myself I still want to downsize the farm. And I do. I cannot decide between keeping Baby and keeping Oak though.

My feelings about this all perhaps belong in a different post, written once I have a cup of tea.

Guts

I've just finished scalding and gutting a suckling pig. She was born Sept 29 so that puts her at just shy of 7 weeks. She's a nice size for roasting and the scalding went pretty ok; it would have done really easily in a mechanical plucker I think. She had a rectal prolapse that I couldn't get to go back inside her; I saw it this morning and brought her in (she seemed cold) to warm up and in the hopes that I could fix it. I could not. So maybe this is my first entirely solo pig kill; I used the little captive bolt stunner.

The little ones have been somewhat constipated, which is probably the root cause of this. I've been trying to get them to drink water but they just will not. At this point I'm mixing enough water with their grains to just be a very very wet soup. Maybe I should try bringing them hot water?

This girl was the daughter of Black Chunk, who was herself born here. She has three uncastrated male siblings that will become their own roasters in mid-December, but I'm getting them done professionally.

It's getting dark out there now - 4:30 is dusk with daylight savings time - and the pigs are frolicking all over, chasing each other and having zoomies. I think someone might be in heat, and I think Rapunzel might be pregnant. I have Penny on my calendar as due on American Thanksgiving but she's not looking super round. I guess we will see.

Tucker reminded me that even though things are getting better for me, I told myself I still want to downsize the farm. And I do. I cannot decide between keeping Baby and keeping Oak though.

My feelings about this all perhaps belong in a different post, written once I have a cup of tea.

That's what happened but how do I feel about it?

Killing the piglet comes on the heels of a great weekend with Tucker and a fairly productive week at work. My feelings are definitely returning.

Some of them are weird feelings that lead me into extended metaphors. For instance, eight or nine months ago and then again this week I've noticed that when I'm in the yoga pose pigeon on my left hip I want to cry. Now this isn't "my body hurts and I'm crying from pain" it's just... there's crying in that stretch. Quite a lot of crying. It's surprising because that's my good hip; my right hip has taken most of my carrying/first foot forward/shoveling/etc weight for many years and it's achy and cranky sometimes. It's definitely wearing out a bit. So when I think about the uncomplaining left hip that's been shouldering the extra load as my right hip wears out, and which hides sadness inside itself until it's pushed hard in a safe space, well.

I also am crying again with the... whatever it's called when you lie on your back and put a block under the top part of the spine, splaying the chest open to the sky. I mean, that one's not surprising.

A lot of the emotions around sex are coming back: the feelings of desire, of playfulness, and of closeness. I think the ability to feel closeness is coming back generally and it is really nice. Like everything it flickers still but even just knowing it's possible helps with a lot.

I realize I need to rebuild my relationships a little, at least the emotional dimensions. I've been absent from them for so long and I can see that reflected in folks' behaviours towards me. I'm looking forward to this as something pleasant I've missed for awhile.

Jealousy is coming in a little, again in bits and pieces. I think some of the bitter, corrosive envy I felt for awhile is fading, though. The situations to which each applies are completely different.

I am cultivating enjoyment. I don't mean the high peak of joy, but just a quiet glow that comes from chatting with folks, with human interaction. It's good to enjoy humans again.

I'm also feeling... I miss people. I feel sad about that sometimes, or about lack of opportunity to connect. I feel sad and a bit of failure/loss about downsizing the farm. I'm carrying around less anger than I was, I think.

I have empathy for myself again, a little, here and there. I remember after Kynnin left being so lonely and alone that I held my own hand and it worked. I felt held. And knowing that, I translated that feeling of holding myself and caring for myself into many actions. Whether or not those actions remained, I lost that feeling for myself: the ability to experience my feelings, to direct validation and understanding and compassion to them and to myself. Today, with the piglet to put down, I was sad and resistant but I knew I had to do it and it was just hard, and... afterwards I could be gentle with myself, make myself a cup of tea, sit with myself, and not just move on to the next thing or avoid the next thing.

This doesn't translate to a full suite of feelings all the time yet. Still, it's a good thing, and it starts to give me direction again. Emotions are such powerful information to help us make decisions that are right for us personally, not for the generic human. They're what help us shape our individual path. Without them there's no reason to choose anything over anything else.

I'm writing here: I plan to do a little more yoga tonight, to finish dinner, to enjoy my shower before bed, to snuggle my dogs a little. We will see what next week brings.

That's what happened but how do I feel about it?

Killing the piglet comes on the heels of a great weekend with Tucker and a fairly productive week at work. My feelings are definitely returning.

Some of them are weird feelings that lead me into extended metaphors. For instance, eight or nine months ago and then again this week I've noticed that when I'm in the yoga pose pigeon on my left hip I want to cry. Now this isn't "my body hurts and I'm crying from pain" it's just... there's crying in that stretch. Quite a lot of crying. It's surprising because that's my good hip; my right hip has taken most of my carrying/first foot forward/shoveling/etc weight for many years and it's achy and cranky sometimes. It's definitely wearing out a bit. So when I think about the uncomplaining left hip that's been shouldering the extra load as my right hip wears out, and which hides sadness inside itself until it's pushed hard in a safe space, well.

I also am crying again with the... whatever it's called when you lie on your back and put a block under the top part of the spine, splaying the chest open to the sky. I mean, that one's not surprising.

A lot of the emotions around sex are coming back: the feelings of desire, of playfulness, and of closeness. I think the ability to feel closeness is coming back generally and it is really nice. Like everything it flickers still but even just knowing it's possible helps with a lot.

I realize I need to rebuild my relationships a little, at least the emotional dimensions. I've been absent from them for so long and I can see that reflected in folks' behaviours towards me. I'm looking forward to this as something pleasant I've missed for awhile.

Jealousy is coming in a little, again in bits and pieces. I think some of the bitter, corrosive envy I felt for awhile is fading, though. The situations to which each applies are completely different.

I am cultivating enjoyment. I don't mean the high peak of joy, but just a quiet glow that comes from chatting with folks, with human interaction. It's good to enjoy humans again.

I'm also feeling... I miss people. I feel sad about that sometimes, or about lack of opportunity to connect. I feel sad and a bit of failure/loss about downsizing the farm. I'm carrying around less anger than I was, I think.

I have empathy for myself again, a little, here and there. I remember after Kynnin left being so lonely and alone that I held my own hand and it worked. I felt held. And knowing that, I translated that feeling of holding myself and caring for myself into many actions. Whether or not those actions remained, I lost that feeling for myself: the ability to experience my feelings, to direct validation and understanding and compassion to them and to myself. Today, with the piglet to put down, I was sad and resistant but I knew I had to do it and it was just hard, and... afterwards I could be gentle with myself, make myself a cup of tea, sit with myself, and not just move on to the next thing or avoid the next thing.

This doesn't translate to a full suite of feelings all the time yet. Still, it's a good thing, and it starts to give me direction again. Emotions are such powerful information to help us make decisions that are right for us personally, not for the generic human. They're what help us shape our individual path. Without them there's no reason to choose anything over anything else.

I'm writing here: I plan to do a little more yoga tonight, to finish dinner, to enjoy my shower before bed, to snuggle my dogs a little. We will see what next week brings.