Lightning bolts

None of these words are my own.

"Many of us have an innate rebellious and revolutionary streak that can't be compromised or reasoned with"

"An anxiety-driven need to be in control"

"When people impose a demand on me, it's not just a case of me reacting with cocky bravado, like "you're not going to tell me what to do". It's more like I'm being subdued by a malicious force which hijacks my personality and robs me of my sovereignty and my autonomy. I become zombified and I will do everything in my power to regain control."

"When someone imposes their will on me it's like an allergic reaction, I just reject it instantly."

"I never ever thought I'd be able to say I belong here on my planet, that this is my planet. I used to look up the stars and think that I belong somewhere else."

"I've learned to stop trying to rationalize everything; I try to go with my intuition, heart, and instincts as much as I can. Obviously I have to reason somewhat because I need to make sure that it's the right decision and that it's not going to cause any harm"

"When we are not sufficiently nourished with freedom, we feel more inclined to use control as a method or a drug"

"We cannot distinguish, sometimes, complying with a demand and a near-death experience"

"We do love you, but you represent the demand machines. We never know when the next demand is going to come flying out of your mouth."

"You are the people we love. But also we have to be hypervigilant in your company and scan you. We need to know precisely what presses your buttons. We need to know your Achilles heel. We need to know your weaknesses. Why? Just in case we need to use them. We call upon your Achilles heel by asking you multiple questions and looking for those chinks in your armour: is there a word you hate? Is it a phrase that you hate? Do you have a favourite item of clothing? Is there a crippling insecurity that you harbour? We need to know it, just in case. We need to stay one step ahead of you at all times. So we cock and load your Achilles heel and put it in the holster. It's not a case of "we use it deliberately" [...] most of the time it's a case of "don't make me do this, because I will. Please don't ask anything of me. Please don't burden me with your needless expectations"."

"To the onlooker perhaps we are overreacting because you have asked us to do something rather simple but to us, we feel violated and internally destroyed, we are now dissolving into molecules and reducing to particles before your very eyes so we need to use every means necessary to subdue you as we are melting down, as we are exploding"

"We can see by your tears that we have succeeded, so that dark passenger within us [...] as soon as we have proof that you are subdued, our emotional empathy will flood back into our system. We return, that kind, gentle version of ourselves returns after the darkness has done the deed, and it feels as though we didn't do it, because right now we are witness to your pain and the mess that we've made, the chaos that's in our wake. And we feel terrible about it. But bear in mind that we don't express it, because what's expected of one as soon as they emerge from a situation whereby they did something wrong, they're expected to apologise. And it feels unjust to apologise, not just because there's a demand to apologise but because the way you were made to feel seems as if it mirrors the way you made us to feel, even though to the onlooker that seems absurd".

"Withdrawing into fantasy is actually an elaborate mental stim"

"We are born with this sense of knowing what we want to do and when we want to do it. It's like we have this kind of internal compass and it always points north."

"Don't underestimate our intelligence by using reverse psychology. One thing you will read in PDA literature is to use indirect language. It's true, but I'd plant a red flag there because there's no point in rephrasing anything if the expectation remains the same. Remember, we care about the expectation"

"You can determine our behaviour through how many expectations you harbour"

"We want to make you cry during meltdowns because we feel closer to you, we're yearning for you to get on to our level. Similarly if we're both doing it together we can negotiate our way towards a solution."

"It's not a case of 'I hate authority' it's 'I don't recognise authority'"

"We need the direct experience of the perfect reason why we can't do something [rather than accept it on authority]"

"We resist reward and punishment. Reward and punishment permeates the school environment. We feel like going ot school is like being inside an oppressive, demand-laden cesspool. There's nothing educational. In fact, it kills our love for learning: we begin to associate learning with trauma. We can do it our way and be rejected, or we can do it the school's way (we have to mask) and become depressed."

"When you cooperate with the PDA it becomes a guide through life".

"There's a whole raft of internal demands:
Time – time is an additional demand on top of the demand itself
Plans – advance planning may lead to increased anxiety as the time/date for ‘the plan’ nears, but equally the intolerance of uncertainty that is a key factor in PDA may make ‘spur of the moment’ activities tricky …
Questions – the expectation of being required to respond to a direct question can be disabling
Decisions – sometimes knowing a decision has to be made makes it a demand, or ‘options paralysis’ may set in if there are too many possibilities
Internal bodily demands – such as thirst or needing the bathroom
Thoughts/desires – internal feelings
Uncertainty – intolerance of uncertainty (compared to, for instance, a very strict need for routine that other autistic people may require) has been found to be very significant in PDA
Praise – this carries the implied expectation that the action will be carried out again or improved on next time
Transitions – the demand to stop and switch what you’re doing and also the uncertainty around what may come next
Expectations – from others and of yourself
Things we want to do – like hobbies, seeing friends or special occasions"

"I quickly realised that I was spending too much time with people who weren’t touching my heart, and spending too much time doing things I didn’t particularly want to be doing, in places I didn’t particularly like being in … When I remedied all of the above, that is to say, found a way to truly connect with the world, I found that my need to drink myself silly had lessened"

"I’ve found that by giving myself an ‘out’ then it is much easier to meet demands, because I know I can change my mind whenever I want"

"I find that if I am able to distract my thoughts from the task I am better able to actually get the job done."

"I will make a list of things I need to do that day and then avoid them all, thus competing a whole different list of demands that also needed doing but were deliberately being ignored"

Lightning bolts

None of these words are my own.

"Many of us have an innate rebellious and revolutionary streak that can't be compromised or reasoned with"

"An anxiety-driven need to be in control"

"When people impose a demand on me, it's not just a case of me reacting with cocky bravado, like "you're not going to tell me what to do". It's more like I'm being subdued by a malicious force which hijacks my personality and robs me of my sovereignty and my autonomy. I become zombified and I will do everything in my power to regain control."

"When someone imposes their will on me it's like an allergic reaction, I just reject it instantly."

"I never ever thought I'd be able to say I belong here on my planet, that this is my planet. I used to look up the stars and think that I belong somewhere else."

"I've learned to stop trying to rationalize everything; I try to go with my intuition, heart, and instincts as much as I can. Obviously I have to reason somewhat because I need to make sure that it's the right decision and that it's not going to cause any harm"

"When we are not sufficiently nourished with freedom, we feel more inclined to use control as a method or a drug"

"We cannot distinguish, sometimes, complying with a demand and a near-death experience"

"We do love you, but you represent the demand machines. We never know when the next demand is going to come flying out of your mouth."

"You are the people we love. But also we have to be hypervigilant in your company and scan you. We need to know precisely what presses your buttons. We need to know your Achilles heel. We need to know your weaknesses. Why? Just in case we need to use them. We call upon your Achilles heel by asking you multiple questions and looking for those chinks in your armour: is there a word you hate? Is it a phrase that you hate? Do you have a favourite item of clothing? Is there a crippling insecurity that you harbour? We need to know it, just in case. We need to stay one step ahead of you at all times. So we cock and load your Achilles heel and put it in the holster. It's not a case of "we use it deliberately" [...] most of the time it's a case of "don't make me do this, because I will. Please don't ask anything of me. Please don't burden me with your needless expectations"."

"To the onlooker perhaps we are overreacting because you have asked us to do something rather simple but to us, we feel violated and internally destroyed, we are now dissolving into molecules and reducing to particles before your very eyes so we need to use every means necessary to subdue you as we are melting down, as we are exploding"

"We can see by your tears that we have succeeded, so that dark passenger within us [...] as soon as we have proof that you are subdued, our emotional empathy will flood back into our system. We return, that kind, gentle version of ourselves returns after the darkness has done the deed, and it feels as though we didn't do it, because right now we are witness to your pain and the mess that we've made, the chaos that's in our wake. And we feel terrible about it. But bear in mind that we don't express it, because what's expected of one as soon as they emerge from a situation whereby they did something wrong, they're expected to apologise. And it feels unjust to apologise, not just because there's a demand to apologise but because the way you were made to feel seems as if it mirrors the way you made us to feel, even though to the onlooker that seems absurd".

"Withdrawing into fantasy is actually an elaborate mental stim"

"We are born with this sense of knowing what we want to do and when we want to do it. It's like we have this kind of internal compass and it always points north."

"Don't underestimate our intelligence by using reverse psychology. One thing you will read in PDA literature is to use indirect language. It's true, but I'd plant a red flag there because there's no point in rephrasing anything if the expectation remains the same. Remember, we care about the expectation"

"You can determine our behaviour through how many expectations you harbour"

"We want to make you cry during meltdowns because we feel closer to you, we're yearning for you to get on to our level. Similarly if we're both doing it together we can negotiate our way towards a solution."

"It's not a case of 'I hate authority' it's 'I don't recognise authority'"

"We need the direct experience of the perfect reason why we can't do something [rather than accept it on authority]"

"We resist reward and punishment. Reward and punishment permeates the school environment. We feel like going ot school is like being inside an oppressive, demand-laden cesspool. There's nothing educational. In fact, it kills our love for learning: we begin to associate learning with trauma. We can do it our way and be rejected, or we can do it the school's way (we have to mask) and become depressed."

"When you cooperate with the PDA it becomes a guide through life".

"There's a whole raft of internal demands:
Time – time is an additional demand on top of the demand itself
Plans – advance planning may lead to increased anxiety as the time/date for ‘the plan’ nears, but equally the intolerance of uncertainty that is a key factor in PDA may make ‘spur of the moment’ activities tricky …
Questions – the expectation of being required to respond to a direct question can be disabling
Decisions – sometimes knowing a decision has to be made makes it a demand, or ‘options paralysis’ may set in if there are too many possibilities
Internal bodily demands – such as thirst or needing the bathroom
Thoughts/desires – internal feelings
Uncertainty – intolerance of uncertainty (compared to, for instance, a very strict need for routine that other autistic people may require) has been found to be very significant in PDA
Praise – this carries the implied expectation that the action will be carried out again or improved on next time
Transitions – the demand to stop and switch what you’re doing and also the uncertainty around what may come next
Expectations – from others and of yourself
Things we want to do – like hobbies, seeing friends or special occasions"

"I quickly realised that I was spending too much time with people who weren’t touching my heart, and spending too much time doing things I didn’t particularly want to be doing, in places I didn’t particularly like being in … When I remedied all of the above, that is to say, found a way to truly connect with the world, I found that my need to drink myself silly had lessened"

"I’ve found that by giving myself an ‘out’ then it is much easier to meet demands, because I know I can change my mind whenever I want"

"I find that if I am able to distract my thoughts from the task I am better able to actually get the job done."

"I will make a list of things I need to do that day and then avoid them all, thus competing a whole different list of demands that also needed doing but were deliberately being ignored"