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Some notes
Mar. 9th, 2021 08:48 amYesterday was my first true day off in awhile, waking until sleeping with no required interactions with people all day. I followed the geese around for three and a half hours, talking to them quietly. I worked on goose breeding pens. I listened to podcasts and a youtube thingy. I made cornbread. It gave me space to enjoy myself, and also to think. In no particular order:
I don't think I'll ever be able to dive fully, headfirst, into a relationship again because I'm too afraid of hurting people: hurting folks in other current relationships when they compare that new energy to ongoing energy, and hurting the person I'd otherwise be diving into when they realize that level of intensity won't continue until the moment they die. At this point I don't think it's possible for someone to absorb that information from my words ("hey, I'm cyclic, there will be times of high contact and low contact" has worked on zero people to date). I'm not super happy with this, and I can tell from the resentment I feel when I consider a partner diving in with a metamour and not taking a more measured approach (granted, my more measured approach can still be pretty intense). It's something to think about.
PDA originated as a subcategory-ish of autism (a "profile"). So, following PDA up into discussions on autism I get into masking. Masking seems to be a thing autistic folks do where they automatically hide aspects of themselves that they perceive as not-normal. I... really don't think I do this. However, one dude was talking about how he has this middle ground between hiding himself completely and just doing whatever, and it involves offering mini-explanations ("I can concentrate better if I get up and walk around"/"I listen better if I'm not looking at your face"/"twirling this pen helps me relax"). This lets the people around him accept what he's doing and get on with the business at hand. I definitely do this. I don't consider the desire for these behaviours to be outside the range of people's experience, I trust that they'll understand my explanation or not care about it either way, and so I drop a quick line so folks aren't confused and go about my business.
Stimming is another thing that sits within the autistic experience that I don't see in myself. Still learning more about this one.
That one dude said, basically, that if you answer yes to these three questions it's worth pursuing whether you might be autistic: 1) You feel different enough that you think you're probably on the wrong planet 2) Folks don't believe when you express something you know to be true about yourself, and minimize it, and 3) What he calls social confusion ("not a lack of social skills, but an over-intellectualizing of something most folks just do normally" and "it's like the experience of watching ducks in a pond, you can be interested but you don't want to join them and if you try it can be very confusing")
1) Yes 2) I don't know? I don't trust most folks' competence at knowing me enough to give many of those opinions any weight so I don't pay a lot of attention these days, and I don't remember the past very well 3) The ducks metaphor is a really interesting one for me because I literally follow my ducks around talking to them and I enjoy it, but I don't feel that I'm one of them, and that's maybe not so far off with how I feel about humans too?
Looks like most people my age figure it out when their kids are diagnosed and they're like "but that's normal, they're just like me!"
Anyhow, some of this is definitely resonant, some of it is definitely not, but it's definitely good to be looking into.
If I could keep more geese, would I be willing to give up the pigs? What if I gave up breeding pigs but just got them as weaners to raise to slaughter? These piglets are driving me to distraction with the constantly getting out. Between them and the lynx it's a lot.
My younger self would consider this life to be completely satisfactory knowing that I planted 55 varieties of tomatoes for the trial this year. I do believe I agree.
I don't think I'll ever be able to dive fully, headfirst, into a relationship again because I'm too afraid of hurting people: hurting folks in other current relationships when they compare that new energy to ongoing energy, and hurting the person I'd otherwise be diving into when they realize that level of intensity won't continue until the moment they die. At this point I don't think it's possible for someone to absorb that information from my words ("hey, I'm cyclic, there will be times of high contact and low contact" has worked on zero people to date). I'm not super happy with this, and I can tell from the resentment I feel when I consider a partner diving in with a metamour and not taking a more measured approach (granted, my more measured approach can still be pretty intense). It's something to think about.
PDA originated as a subcategory-ish of autism (a "profile"). So, following PDA up into discussions on autism I get into masking. Masking seems to be a thing autistic folks do where they automatically hide aspects of themselves that they perceive as not-normal. I... really don't think I do this. However, one dude was talking about how he has this middle ground between hiding himself completely and just doing whatever, and it involves offering mini-explanations ("I can concentrate better if I get up and walk around"/"I listen better if I'm not looking at your face"/"twirling this pen helps me relax"). This lets the people around him accept what he's doing and get on with the business at hand. I definitely do this. I don't consider the desire for these behaviours to be outside the range of people's experience, I trust that they'll understand my explanation or not care about it either way, and so I drop a quick line so folks aren't confused and go about my business.
Stimming is another thing that sits within the autistic experience that I don't see in myself. Still learning more about this one.
That one dude said, basically, that if you answer yes to these three questions it's worth pursuing whether you might be autistic: 1) You feel different enough that you think you're probably on the wrong planet 2) Folks don't believe when you express something you know to be true about yourself, and minimize it, and 3) What he calls social confusion ("not a lack of social skills, but an over-intellectualizing of something most folks just do normally" and "it's like the experience of watching ducks in a pond, you can be interested but you don't want to join them and if you try it can be very confusing")
1) Yes 2) I don't know? I don't trust most folks' competence at knowing me enough to give many of those opinions any weight so I don't pay a lot of attention these days, and I don't remember the past very well 3) The ducks metaphor is a really interesting one for me because I literally follow my ducks around talking to them and I enjoy it, but I don't feel that I'm one of them, and that's maybe not so far off with how I feel about humans too?
Looks like most people my age figure it out when their kids are diagnosed and they're like "but that's normal, they're just like me!"
Anyhow, some of this is definitely resonant, some of it is definitely not, but it's definitely good to be looking into.
If I could keep more geese, would I be willing to give up the pigs? What if I gave up breeding pigs but just got them as weaners to raise to slaughter? These piglets are driving me to distraction with the constantly getting out. Between them and the lynx it's a lot.
My younger self would consider this life to be completely satisfactory knowing that I planted 55 varieties of tomatoes for the trial this year. I do believe I agree.
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