(no subject)

My heart is wide open today.

I love everything, I can feel myself fully, and everything hurts.

These things always go together for me. I understand maybe they don't for most other folks.

I looked at a job posting on Haida Gwaii. I want to live in those places, in the edges of people where humans don't live in such overwhelming force that this flawed dominion is normalized.

I feel this in sharp contrast to the offer I have open to move back down to the coast in community, to give up my current career and to give up living near places that are not so traumatized by constant human traffic that they can still shyly and proudly greet me with displays of moss and small stones and trickles of water instead of only the constantly pounded compacted earth.

Everyone I know wants to move in closer to more people. Everyone.

Signs and portents

Ok. Since I'm completely unable to work right now, let's see what my deck has to say.

First: My emotions and intuition, my heart, is all at odds with itself. My body and needs are still safely held in the moment while I sort this out. It's safe.

Then: I have a calling. I need to honour it. My life has been well-served by following this calling, it's brought me here, and it's important I don't forsake it. "Embrace learning through mutual exchange and open conversation" "Think about what you are being inspired to create right now, what wants to be built and shared by your hands?" "How can you maintain momentum without being imprecise or impulsive?"

My well is coming up empty right now. It's true. And so I'm not able to orient towards creating, building, contributing towards the world. I don't feel a part of anything.

But the idea of precision always calls to me. It's how I anchor general principles in the real. Operationalizing my calling is always the issue. What will my hands be doing? What movements will my body be doing? Who will I serve?

And, don't be impulsive. Ok. So don't move to Haida Gwaii.

Furthermore: Battling doubt about where to go from here. Yeah, no shit. "Pack light. Release. Prepare for departure." I think I've done that. "When you struggle to trust your own sense of direction, know that you have support. That may take the form of friends who help you process and offer guidance […] or intangible cosmic signs." "Be patient with the future, it will reveal itself slowly." "Gather your energy back to yourself and get ready to fling it ahead of you like an arrow."

I'm not finding direction in my friends right now, though I'm finding support. It's my friends that feel like what's knocking me off my course. I don't know how to balance the internal and external.

Oof: You're on a long slow burn, building up your vision gradually over time. Focus resources internally. And then basically, don't forget to support and hold space for other people (I have not been holding space for other people).

Plus the deck says: stop being impatient. Trust the process.

It says: "there is freedom in disrupting the status quo, for myself and for others"

So basically: be patient, and stop being so focused inside myself. Engage with the outside world and consider it in my process. My life is driven by this engine of my calling, don't forget that and do let it orient me, but that engine isn't only there to serve me.

Ow.

Signs and portents

Ok. Since I'm completely unable to work right now, let's see what my deck has to say.

First: My emotions and intuition, my heart, is all at odds with itself. My body and needs are still safely held in the moment while I sort this out. It's safe.

Then: I have a calling. I need to honour it. My life has been well-served by following this calling, it's brought me here, and it's important I don't forsake it. "Embrace learning through mutual exchange and open conversation" "Think about what you are being inspired to create right now, what wants to be built and shared by your hands?" "How can you maintain momentum without being imprecise or impulsive?"

My well is coming up empty right now. It's true. And so I'm not able to orient towards creating, building, contributing towards the world. I don't feel a part of anything.

But the idea of precision always calls to me. It's how I anchor general principles in the real. Operationalizing my calling is always the issue. What will my hands be doing? What movements will my body be doing? Who will I serve?

And, don't be impulsive. Ok. So don't move to Haida Gwaii.

Furthermore: Battling doubt about where to go from here. Yeah, no shit. "Pack light. Release. Prepare for departure." I think I've done that. "When you struggle to trust your own sense of direction, know that you have support. That may take the form of friends who help you process and offer guidance […] or intangible cosmic signs." "Be patient with the future, it will reveal itself slowly." "Gather your energy back to yourself and get ready to fling it ahead of you like an arrow."

I'm not finding direction in my friends right now, though I'm finding support. It's my friends that feel like what's knocking me off my course. I don't know how to balance the internal and external.

Oof: You're on a long slow burn, building up your vision gradually over time. Focus resources internally. And then basically, don't forget to support and hold space for other people (I have not been holding space for other people).

Plus the deck says: stop being impatient. Trust the process.

It says: "there is freedom in disrupting the status quo, for myself and for others"

So basically: be patient, and stop being so focused inside myself. Engage with the outside world and consider it in my process. My life is driven by this engine of my calling, don't forget that and do let it orient me, but that engine isn't only there to serve me.

Ow.

(no subject)

Near the beginning I went into the underworld and He gave me a card which said "live a life worthy of the death you want" and it had my sigil.

(no subject)

Near the beginning I went into the underworld and He gave me a card which said "live a life worthy of the death you want" and it had my sigil.