So many things

Alright. Well.

To start with, I had that obviously-overdue relationship talk with Tucker and we're... de-escalating is the trendy word right now but maybe disentangling some is more accurate? Long and short is that talking about thoughts and feelings and what happens during the day is something that I need a minimum of, say, ten units of and Tucker maxes out around two units of it. So when, a couple weeks ago, he said essentially "I don't know why you're telling me things that aren't a big deal and impact on the relationship" that was in fact kind of what he meant. He can tell me everything he wants to about his stuff and I'll feel like I don't know much about him; he get overwhelmed by the amount of stuff coming from me.

We like snuggling and sex and sleeping with each other and little domestic routines, though not all the time, and we'd like to retain some of that (details TBD). I like hearing about his life and will continue to, more on what the level that I consider a friendship rather than a partnership/life witness.

I'm not sure if it's possible to make big decisions with someone without a lot of knowledge of their interiority etc and without talking both logistics and feelings through in detail, so this probably maybe effectively takes a bunch of living situations off the table. It may also take regular contact off the table in the long term. Anyhow, life decisions like "where will I move?" and "how do I organize my retirement/financial arc" will maybe have some sort of conversation before events but I can't see the relationship as a major influence.

We're going to more-or-less continue how things have been as long as we're both in Fort, because support is good. After that? Who knows.

I can gather my energy and set off to seek the confidante and emotional support I've needed over the last couple years and never quite got. If I land with A&E I'll be closer to dating prospects -- this town is too small to date unconventionally in, and I am unconventional -- and can see where that goes. Distance isn't really a good way for me to get this need met. If Tucker lands with us then I can keep seeing him for domestic companionship as time and energy permit and that will be lovely.

Either way, I need to stop feeling unseen and unsupported and left out, and he needs to stop feeling like he's falling short. It's funny, he has a relationship history that incudes fairly serious noncommunication of thoughts and feelings and I can see how I was the rebound from that, just turn the dial from zero to eleven.

We still love each other, of course. It was a good talk and it feels like we're on the same page.

It hurts sometimes and aches sometimes and is gently hopeful like the barest flutter of breeze under a butterfly's wing sometimes. He's gone for two weeks to the east coast to visit another partner and do a game thing. It's a reset period.

I'm glad to have Josh right now, who after so many years really welcomes and listens to me in this specific way. If that were more embodied I'd probably be fine. He's so far away, though. I really want someone I can pull out into the yard sometimes and point excitedly at things and they'll share that excitement too, in person, not just a couple times a year.

It's a tall order, I guess, but meeting people and getting to know them can be fun in any case.

So that's the relationship.

Oh, and Josh is supposed to be driving up next week but there may be fire issues and he won't fly during covid. It'll be super disappointing if he doesn't make it up.

I think I mentioned the house-hunt with A&E is moving a little faster now. That's fun, and we're getting into a more confident communication space as we navigate through it -- what are our communication roles, how do we acknowledge each other's input, how are decisions made?

I had surgery a week ago for a lump, actually three lumps, on my side right under the ribs. The doctor put in three V-shaped stitches and told me to keep a dressing on it for the first couple days. Within the last few days it's been a little more painful and it blistered up weird, and today the stitches were to come out.

Turns out I wasn't supposed to be lifting more than 5lbs, really, for the last week and the next week. I carry a couple hundred pounds of feed etc a day, minimum. I wasn't supposed to bend and twist in ways that put weight on it. I was basically jungle-gymming through the bush a bunch on Friday. The wound is healing nicely on the outside, it's just a little incision scar, but the stitches had pulled through a little and the inside is a bit sore. I'm supposed to be in the bush tomorrow, which I guess I can cancel though it seems awfully last-minute, and when I told them there was no way I could comply with the lifting thing they said to be careful and take it easy a bunch.

I was going to get so much work in the bush done this week. Argh. We'll see what happens. I'll make the call about tomorrow later on; the summer student going with me can help with some data entry for the data she helped gather if not. That will maybe be helpful for her. We lose most of the summer students at the end of this week, which is not super great for getting everything done.

The province continues to be super on fire. We had really significant winds for maybe a day and a half and while it cooled down up here (down to 6C at night, eek!) it stayed hot down where the fires are and they just ran. It's so dangerous to fight fires in those circumstances and BC's priority is to avoid loss of life. Flat out we don't trade lives for saving property. Some folks aren't happy with that and stay behind trying to save their own properties, which puts everyone in a dangerous situation.

Folks have been double and in some cases triple evacuated now: they got evacuated, went somewhere, that place got evacuated, they went to the next place. It's especially brutal with animals. Some folks had evacuation plans but the places they planned to go were being evacuated. Some of the major highways have been shutting down on and off and honestly there aren't so many routes out of the interior. If you have any interest, BC wildfire has a webpage with a map of the fire perimeters and evacuation alerts (could be evacuated any time) and orders (must leave Right Now) and it's a sight to behold. I feel inescapably, unrelentingly lucky right now.

The fire hasn't taken over the biggest interior cities at this point and probably won't but it's nibbled at suburbs of many of them and many smaller towns have been evacuated. The air is clear up here but depending on the wind down there they get what I remember: midnight-deep smoke during daytime which turns streetlights on, cinders falling from the sky, and that brainstem unease which activates flight.

Meanwhile on the farm I was given eight cayuga ducks. They are beautiful, and I have some cayugas already, but they are unfortunately half ducks and half drakes. That is way too intense a m/f ratio for ducks. I also have three new piglets out of Black Chunk who really still needs a new name. They're good big healthy little ones, she's feeding them well. I don't see ravens around but there are a lot of crows and I'm keeping a concerned eye.

For tomatoes, Taiga and Rozovaya Bella ripened in the last few days. Something ate some of roz, luckily taiga ripens greenish so nothing noticed to take a chunk out of it. I think they're both keepers for next year.

And... that is a lot, so we'll leave it there for now. I'm several hours late for lunch.