Throughline

Ok. I made it through the last couple days. Cautiously, hopefully, the last week might have been the worst. It was that acute shock/loss thing where my emotional self just felt like TV static turned on extra loud all the time and I numbly went through the motions -- there were lots of motions, because a LOT of pig processing to do -- and I couldn't sleep well and I couldn't think about anything else and everything felt like numb exhaustion and pain. I mostly forgot the ends of sentences before I was done the beginning and I had no nouns.

Last night I slept 8 hours with only one brief waking, and instead of zombie-ing up to get back to work on pork I hung out and snuggled an chatted with Josh a bit. I still feel completely exhausted but I can think again and I have a self. It will at some point be ok. I may even get to actually connect with Josh rather than just do stuff beside him, that would be nice.

Frost was forecast for the garden last night and it didn't come, which is good because I didn't take in all the beans and tomatoes. I did bring in a couple potted peppers. We should have another clear week at least. Fall is coming fast. The dew was so heavy and chilly. Grasses are going golden.

Most of the primals are processed. I did a lot of chops and boneless tied roasts this time -- well, Josh ties the roasts -- and a bunch of canned tonkotsu stock. By the end of it I should have a 5 gallon bucket of lard rendered for soap, and a bunch of leaf/cooking lard too. The last couple pieces I want to break down for jerky and sausage. I'd really like to try making hot dogs, emulsified sausages are not something I've tried before and they're challenging. Also I want some more snacking cooked sausage, like garlic sausage, and I have a ton of bacon and a couple coppas and prosciuttinis to get in cure. So basically the play part begins.

Currently I may be trading some pork for some laying chickens, some pork for some roofing labour (though that will still be a lot of $$$), and some soap for some super beautiful jewelery a friend of mine makes (northern chickadee studio). That makes me feel a little better. Right now I'm hoarding a ridiculous amount of meat and I want it to make its way into the community.

Counseling shortly. My mind still isn't together enough to know what to say; the ability to think feels like a vastly underused muscle and so I can follow a piece of thought and then an anvil descends to weigh it down, but at least I'm thinking. I'm so, so glad my therapist is deeply poly. I need that perspective as I figure out what to do.

Right now I'm setting down the throughline of the relationship with Tucker, the constantly-in-this feeling. It was really hard to put down. I'm not sure if that's the thing I liked about it so much? What's left if I set it down? What do I want from the remaining relationship? If he's doing these trips a couple-three times a year and they're always this bad, is there a way to incorporate that information into a workable plan? Way back I'd tossed around the idea of having a relationship six months of the year or something, and just... not... the rest of the time. Would that help?

What do I do now?

What I can't do is just sit and wait for other people to change. That doesn't and hasn't worked.

So glad I hunted down this counselor, and so glad I'll get to talk to Kelsey on the weekend too.

Well, time to get at it.

Throughline

Ok. I made it through the last couple days. Cautiously, hopefully, the last week might have been the worst. It was that acute shock/loss thing where my emotional self just felt like TV static turned on extra loud all the time and I numbly went through the motions -- there were lots of motions, because a LOT of pig processing to do -- and I couldn't sleep well and I couldn't think about anything else and everything felt like numb exhaustion and pain. I mostly forgot the ends of sentences before I was done the beginning and I had no nouns.

Last night I slept 8 hours with only one brief waking, and instead of zombie-ing up to get back to work on pork I hung out and snuggled an chatted with Josh a bit. I still feel completely exhausted but I can think again and I have a self. It will at some point be ok. I may even get to actually connect with Josh rather than just do stuff beside him, that would be nice.

Frost was forecast for the garden last night and it didn't come, which is good because I didn't take in all the beans and tomatoes. I did bring in a couple potted peppers. We should have another clear week at least. Fall is coming fast. The dew was so heavy and chilly. Grasses are going golden.

Most of the primals are processed. I did a lot of chops and boneless tied roasts this time -- well, Josh ties the roasts -- and a bunch of canned tonkotsu stock. By the end of it I should have a 5 gallon bucket of lard rendered for soap, and a bunch of leaf/cooking lard too. The last couple pieces I want to break down for jerky and sausage. I'd really like to try making hot dogs, emulsified sausages are not something I've tried before and they're challenging. Also I want some more snacking cooked sausage, like garlic sausage, and I have a ton of bacon and a couple coppas and prosciuttinis to get in cure. So basically the play part begins.

Currently I may be trading some pork for some laying chickens, some pork for some roofing labour (though that will still be a lot of $$$), and some soap for some super beautiful jewelery a friend of mine makes (northern chickadee studio). That makes me feel a little better. Right now I'm hoarding a ridiculous amount of meat and I want it to make its way into the community.

Counseling shortly. My mind still isn't together enough to know what to say; the ability to think feels like a vastly underused muscle and so I can follow a piece of thought and then an anvil descends to weigh it down, but at least I'm thinking. I'm so, so glad my therapist is deeply poly. I need that perspective as I figure out what to do.

Right now I'm setting down the throughline of the relationship with Tucker, the constantly-in-this feeling. It was really hard to put down. I'm not sure if that's the thing I liked about it so much? What's left if I set it down? What do I want from the remaining relationship? If he's doing these trips a couple-three times a year and they're always this bad, is there a way to incorporate that information into a workable plan? Way back I'd tossed around the idea of having a relationship six months of the year or something, and just... not... the rest of the time. Would that help?

What do I do now?

What I can't do is just sit and wait for other people to change. That doesn't and hasn't worked.

So glad I hunted down this counselor, and so glad I'll get to talk to Kelsey on the weekend too.

Well, time to get at it.

Affirmation

Oh goodness, that's always so good.

My counselor is so affirming. She illuminates all the things I like in my life, the things that stabilize me, all the carrots dangling around that I could pursue. It's such good work. Clarifying.

I made a bunch of connections between the way Tucker punishes himself for having feelings and for not being how other people want him to be, the way my mind works more to restorative justice/accept differences and sometimes find humour, the way Tucker and I don't feel like we can comfortably and openly share emotionally (because he's always fighting feeling like he shouldn't have those emotions, and that if I have negative emotions about something he's done that he shouldn't have done the thing, rather than knowing that two different people will sometimes just have situations that lead to friction and that's ok), why talking with Kelsey is such a relief, and the fact that I am one of very few people in the world who genuinely likes myself and approves of myself.

Kelsey has been on my mind so much lately and I got to talk about that.

Gosh the world would be easier if everyone could start from "this is who I am and this is who you are, how shall we proceed from that" rather than "maybe if I hurt myself and you enough things will be fixed"

We don't get that world, though, without making it first.

I have this small well of security and comfort inside from finally feeling like myself again for the first time maybe since the breakup. I like myself, and I'd missed being this person.

Ok. Time to play in the kitchen. I need to put up some pickles too.