What hope looks like

I had that conversation with the employee line counselor the other day, and I kind of have one foot out the door at work in my mind.

A lot of my life I just haven't put a lot of weight on "just because" social norms. It's important to me not to weaponize weirdness in order to deliberately make people uncomfortable, it's important to me to do things that strengthen social fabric, and also I've never really tried to fit in for the sake of fitting in.

I guess I'm returning to that place. Reporting the employee line issues were part of that place; I was no longer trying to avoid making waves. Telling the story to all the people I got bumped to was part of that place. The way I interacted with the employee line counselor, where I was basically putting everything out there and gave myself permission to hang up the phone if I felt like it, was part of that place.

And buying a bunch of t-shirts this morning. The last round of t-shirts I bought was in 2015, with the first money I got from my first summer forestry job in Fort; I think it's a way of orienting my outer persona and aligning my intentions. Definitely what I wear is a big part of my mask; I used to dress slightly unusually partly because I liked the aesthetic, partly to screen for the people who talked to me, and partly to steer people's expectations in the "slightly weird but harmess" direction so they'd be more accepting of me when we interacted further and could select out if it was going to be a problem.

Actually, let's list the shirts, shall we? Yes, it's a lot, I like to buy clothes in big batches very seldom.

These ones are when I want to flag/provide security to neurodiverse folks:

Autism rainbow infinity sign that says "be kind" (I completely love that polyamory and autism are converging on the same symbol)
Autism rainbow infinity sign that says "neurodiversity is beautiful"
"Infodumping is my love language"
Rainbow brain with "great minds think differently"
Rainbow celtic knot brain design thing
Brain with plant/botanicals growing out of it
The word "neurodiversity" with rainbow plants growing out of it

These are for when I'm feeling less human:

Two different last unicorn "am I truly the last" designs
"Never run from anything immortal" unicorn shirt
"Schmendrick's school of magic: magic do what you will" (I wore my last one out so this is a replacement)

These are for when I'm trawling for gardeners:

"introverted but willing to discuss plants"
"Gardener" with a graphic
"plant whisperer" with a graphic
"easily distracted by plants"

The rainbow goose t-shirt is when I want to feel like me and don't care if I'm sending a message.

(no subject)

*counselor describes parts theory*

Me: "The whole time you've been talking I've been looking for a way to disagree with you. It's really important for me to think of myself as a whole rather than parts; I've been working on this for fifteen or twenty years to accept and honour all the different bits of me, and to not try to ignore them or make them invisible..."

*counselor agrees with me*

Me: "Stop agreeing with me. I hate this." *laugh/crying*