Whose Job Is That Anyways

One of the aspects of codependency, poor boundaries, and the lack of individuation that comes from those is an underlying sense that other people should know and do things for you, that if you ask for something it doesn't count, and that if they force you to ask for those things they are doing you an injustice.

This is... not quite like whack-a-mole for me, but more like weeding a garden with a very thick weed seedbed. There are a lot of ways believing other people should read my mind and preserve me from discomfort manifests. Now, I'm weird, and there are a bunch of things I learned early on I need to ask for; some things I sorted as I went along. I *still* remember learning to ask for the support I wanted around poly; I still remember how hard it was to ask for time or sex or attention in the beginning.

Thankfully I no longer feel like, if I ask for something and my partner does it for me, that act of service doesn't count. In some ways nowadays I feel like it counts more than if they spontaneously did the right thing; it means that they listen and put energy into acting on what they hear.

I've been thinking about the thing with A&E and how that is going. I've been pushing for written budgets, for written and discussed vision and values statements, for discussion on visitors and autonomy and expected daily interaction. I've viewed me being the one pushing for this as a sign their commitment is less, that they haven't thought this through, that they're naive and setting it up to fail where I'm the realist. And I've been resentful at initiating this stuff, feeling like they should know better than to leave it without discussion at the outset.

I think it's time for me to dig into this a little more, though. I'm asking for what I need to feel secure and they are stepping up and providing. They do need some specifics, some details, some structure, but they have so far come through when I provide that.

I do think a group like this needs structure is likely to fair or at least be hella stressful at the worst possible times without it.

I also think that anyone in such a group needs to be driven to ask these questions of themselves on some level, in some way-- they need to be a little bit curious or accepting of how other people work, and to be able to accept systems in which people are truly different from each other and yet where everyone's needs and preferences matter. They need to be, on some level, active rather than reactive. I remain a little concerned about that.

But as for me not being provided with what I need to feel secure around structure before I ask? For being the one to drive spreadsheets, lists, budgeting, formal (as in articulated statements, not as in signed in blood) of values and intentions? Can I accept this as my role, complementary to E's role as the social interactor, or A as the financial end, accept the work of making these asks as in service of my own comfort, as long as it's not onerous, without resentment that I am the one doing it? Evoking people has always been something that I'm good at.

Funny enough, I may need to run that by folks, say, "look, I'm doing this work, I see you are each doing this other work, are we agreed that this is a division of labour that's occurring and we're good with?" before I can let it rest, but maybe if I do that I can.

One victory at a time

I met with the counselor from my work's employee line (virtually) yesterday. To recap, the employee line ghosted me a couple times and sent me to an inappropriate counselor once, I escalated through three ranks of people, I got an appointment scheduled for a month after the escalation and three months after my most recent attempt to get help.

And this counselor is fantastic. She's so great. I am so happy with the experience in several ways, including her ability to have a conversation where tangents were both welcomed and well-controlled (so additional context and information could be added without derailing the whole thing, this is such a skill), empathy on weird things, explicit offers on how she can support me with questions each time about whether I would like that thing or not, and-- well. Anyhow, she was great. She's booking four weeks out so I'm hoping to get good use out of her on my decision-making, which I've come to question lately, just as I'm using the PDA counselor to get PDA tools and will no doubt eventually come back to my first and main counselor (not gonna see more than two at once, oof) to honour and explore the way my heart drives my life.

So this work counselor has sparked my energy to start the first step of diagnosis: the screen. Gonna do it.

Eep.