Whose Job Is That Anyways

[greenstorm]

One of the aspects of codependency, poor boundaries, and the lack of individuation that comes from those is an underlying sense that other people should know and do things for you, that if you ask for something it doesn't count, and that if they force you to ask for those things they are doing you an injustice.

This is... not quite like whack-a-mole for me, but more like weeding a garden with a very thick weed seedbed. There are a lot of ways believing other people should read my mind and preserve me from discomfort manifests. Now, I'm weird, and there are a bunch of things I learned early on I need to ask for; some things I sorted as I went along. I *still* remember learning to ask for the support I wanted around poly; I still remember how hard it was to ask for time or sex or attention in the beginning.

Thankfully I no longer feel like, if I ask for something and my partner does it for me, that act of service doesn't count. In some ways nowadays I feel like it counts more than if they spontaneously did the right thing; it means that they listen and put energy into acting on what they hear.

I've been thinking about the thing with A&E and how that is going. I've been pushing for written budgets, for written and discussed vision and values statements, for discussion on visitors and autonomy and expected daily interaction. I've viewed me being the one pushing for this as a sign their commitment is less, that they haven't thought this through, that they're naive and setting it up to fail where I'm the realist. And I've been resentful at initiating this stuff, feeling like they should know better than to leave it without discussion at the outset.

I think it's time for me to dig into this a little more, though. I'm asking for what I need to feel secure and they are stepping up and providing. They do need some specifics, some details, some structure, but they have so far come through when I provide that.

I do think a group like this needs structure is likely to fair or at least be hella stressful at the worst possible times without it.

I also think that anyone in such a group needs to be driven to ask these questions of themselves on some level, in some way-- they need to be a little bit curious or accepting of how other people work, and to be able to accept systems in which people are truly different from each other and yet where everyone's needs and preferences matter. They need to be, on some level, active rather than reactive. I remain a little concerned about that.

But as for me not being provided with what I need to feel secure around structure before I ask? For being the one to drive spreadsheets, lists, budgeting, formal (as in articulated statements, not as in signed in blood) of values and intentions? Can I accept this as my role, complementary to E's role as the social interactor, or A as the financial end, accept the work of making these asks as in service of my own comfort, as long as it's not onerous, without resentment that I am the one doing it? Evoking people has always been something that I'm good at.

Funny enough, I may need to run that by folks, say, "look, I'm doing this work, I see you are each doing this other work, are we agreed that this is a division of labour that's occurring and we're good with?" before I can let it rest, but maybe if I do that I can.

Comments

[yarrowkat]

it may well be your role to drive it in the group also because you are skilled at it. that doesn't mean everyone else doesn't need & benefit from it, too, but that they come to rely on you to drive that part. it is 100% worth clearly articulating that division of labor and make sure it's in the light of day for everybody before letting it bake into your systems.

it's kind of the meta-level of community living, and it's extremely helpful in the long run, especially in times of stress & conflict.

[greenstorm]

I was halfway through formulating a complaint about always being the meta-thinker on a given project before I realized that the alternative is learning skills around sharing control. :P

And the other two are tremendously valuable in their areas of focus. I'd much rather be doing this than that.

[yarrowkat]

ha. right. honestly, the fact that labor can be divided is one of the real graces of living in community. time and again it is the thing that keeps me from bailing out when i am in crisis; to live alone, i would have to do everything by myself, and right now i *don't.*

[greenstorm]

I wonder how much difference it makes to the quantity of labour; there's so much less when you don't need to accommodate and consult and provide social labour. It's a very different kind, though.

I guess I will see!

[yarrowkat]

i find social labor easier, at least a meaningful percentage of the time, than physical labor, so i am inclined to make the trade. there is definitely an exchange of types of work. and there are definitely tasks i'd rather just *do* than talk about; we have our agreements around those and everybody has theirs. you settle into the rhythm of it over time. also designated talking times and designated not talking times help.

[greenstorm]

Oh gosh I would rather move ten tons of feed than work with someone's emotional projection, anxiety, or feelings-masquerading-as-truth. I can do it, but oh is it work, even when I'm doing it with love.

[yarrowkat]

i hear that. and hopefully the emotional labor is easier for A&E so that they can do more of that lifting and you, the other. <3