Survival traits

PDA.

Medically it's Pathological Demand Avoidance. My therapist, who is also PDA, likes the term Pervasive Drive for Autonomy. It means that if there is pressure on me to do something, external or internal, negative or positive, I resist that pressure. The strength of resistance is calibrated to the strength of the pressure, and it increases exponentially with each additional pressure. In many cases, I am also then resisting the resistance in order to do the thing.

Both resistance and resisting the resistance take energy. The original resistance is not under my control. Only doing things I am not under pressure to do is not an option, so I also must do a lot of resisting the resistance.

I have a huge, clever, and varied toolbox for reducing the original pressure, for misdirecting my resistance, for defusing my resistance, and for boosting my resistance to the resistance.

The most powerful one is my autonomy.

One tool, developed long and painstakingly through some very rough poly and family and friend experiences, is that I do not accept obligations I have not explicitly accepted. A casual conversation about whether something might be ok? Means that thing might be ok. Use of a nonspecific term (partner, friend) to smuggle obligations in that haven't been explicitly discussed? I don't accept that anymore. I don't accept that we're friends so that means I must do a particular thing. I don't accept that we're partners so I must do a particular thing. I'm happy to use those labels as descriptive rather than prescriptive; I'm happy to consider commitments if they're requested of me. I'm happy to describe likelihoods if I'm asked. However, my behaviour will not be controlled by your assumptions about what I should do, and the harder you push on those assumptions rather than asking me if I would like to commit and do the thing, the harder every fiber of my being will push back against you.

And be warned, I commit to very little. I would much rather describe what I'm likely to be able to do, or to not do, and have you self-select into or out of my life than have to observe and control my own behaviour every moment of my life to honour a commitment. Sometimes it's worth it to me, but it's not often worth it, and I have a definite upper limit. I have a lot of energy I need to save for eating, for using the bathroom, for wearing clothes, for dodging all the little statements ("have a good day" "how are you?") and behaviours that create pressure during the day; I can't allocate it all to being what humans think of as a good human. Whatever I am, my goal can never be that.

Obviously this informs my relationship anarchy/solo poly approach to relationships. Thank gods there's a name for those now, and language around them. But it also informs my approach to friendships and other kind of partnerships. Almost no one knows what all their interpersonal assumptions are; with every new person I can ask all I want, but the process really looks like running up against their assumptions and then violating them one at a time. This is the only way I know for them to understand that even though I seem nice, I can't just do x for them.

And obviously people don't like having their assumptions violated and they try to push me to conform to them, and I allow my PDA off its leash just a little to protect me.

Anyhow, I'm tired and it would be nice if I ever could just sit down and eat a meal without some kind of weird trick, and then have a nap without a weird trick, and maybe go to bed without a weird trick.

Edited to add: the phrase "promise less and deliver more" just crossed my radar this morning.

Numbered lists

I must have done some user manual/user guide stuff before tagging was put into the system; certainly it was before it became a popular poly thing. So in service of getting some of this down on paper to self-advocate:

1) Write it down, ideally somewhere I can find it later

2) Be explicit

3) If things change, be explicit about that too

4) Give as much warning about change as possible

5) If things are certain or just assumptions/likely, I want to know. I <3 % likelihoods (I'm 70% likely to want to go to the park; I'm probably too tired for dinner but there's a 31% change I want to stop by)

6) If you want something from me, ask

7) If you want to know something about what's in my mind, ask

8) If I ask you about something, including what you're feeling or what you're going to do, it's not an insult that how could I ever believe that about you? It's a question. I just want an answer

9) It's ok to say "I don't know" to me

10) My trust is earned through alignment between your words and actions repeatedly over time

10b) There are some specific situations where I trust people to repeat actions they've done reliably in the past even when their words are not in alignment. The way to change this is to repeat a different set of actions reliably

11) I have a ton of different tools, ways to interact with people, ways to talk, ways to think about what they're doing. Because I have such a big library of tools it can take me a long time to find the right tool for a specific person. Be patient, and the more explicit you are the easier it will be for me

12) I will not reliably know that when you say "x" you mean "y". Just say "y"

13) I like to play. My play looks like co-creating things and thinking together. I only play with people I trust

14) Don't self-harm under the guise of humility or humour around me

15) I need time alone

16) I need space that is my own, both indoors and outdoors

17) I assess conversations on the triforce of communication as an internal tool

18) It's often hard but good for me to take space or levity in a hard conversation

19) As I wrote earlier, don't make assumptions about my actions or feelings. They will be challenged

19b) If you aren't ok with the above, just... spend time with someone else. There are so many other people who will get along with you better

20) I super enjoy deconstructing behaviours, thoughts, and actions

21) I generally end up one step further "meta" in the conversation than my conversational partners

22) I still ask "why" and "what's going on" all the time, I never outgrew that

23) When something stresses me or overwhelms me, my mind shuts down or deflects

24) I don't always know what's going to bother me in advance, but I can guess

25) I like escape routes

26) I like plans

27) I like contingency plans: the best time to make stressful decisions is when there aren't also environmental stressors occurring

28) I know that not every eventuality can be planned for so I won't waste energy trying to cover every possibility

29) There are ways of speaking with me that make things much easier for me and ways which make things much harder

30) I work through things in language, preferably talking to someone, though I can sometimes write too. This process isn't a commitment to anything I say within the process

31) I really like knowing little things about what you think or what happened to you

32) I can't do routine but I can do habit and periodicity

33) I like data

34) I generally like people

35) I generally don't trust people to make decisions for me; no humans are good at knowing what will work for me or not

36) I'll always like plants more than you. Sorry. They'll also always be more important to me than you are, think primary partner-style

A joy to use

Many years ago, when I was bicycle commuting between school and home late at night, I'd write haiku in my mind and type them into my phone at stoplights. A fragment that I don't remember the rest of from that time was:

"I ride my bicycle more than anyone"

Along those lines:

"I trust my mind more than anyone"

Roles so far

Landscape designer
Farm planner
Genetics acquisition, plant and animal
Bookkeeper/business planner
Therapist/counselor

Exhausted