Numbered lists

[greenstorm]

I must have done some user manual/user guide stuff before tagging was put into the system; certainly it was before it became a popular poly thing. So in service of getting some of this down on paper to self-advocate:

1) Write it down, ideally somewhere I can find it later

2) Be explicit

3) If things change, be explicit about that too

4) Give as much warning about change as possible

5) If things are certain or just assumptions/likely, I want to know. I <3 % likelihoods (I'm 70% likely to want to go to the park; I'm probably too tired for dinner but there's a 31% change I want to stop by)

6) If you want something from me, ask

7) If you want to know something about what's in my mind, ask

8) If I ask you about something, including what you're feeling or what you're going to do, it's not an insult that how could I ever believe that about you? It's a question. I just want an answer

9) It's ok to say "I don't know" to me

10) My trust is earned through alignment between your words and actions repeatedly over time

10b) There are some specific situations where I trust people to repeat actions they've done reliably in the past even when their words are not in alignment. The way to change this is to repeat a different set of actions reliably

11) I have a ton of different tools, ways to interact with people, ways to talk, ways to think about what they're doing. Because I have such a big library of tools it can take me a long time to find the right tool for a specific person. Be patient, and the more explicit you are the easier it will be for me

12) I will not reliably know that when you say "x" you mean "y". Just say "y"

13) I like to play. My play looks like co-creating things and thinking together. I only play with people I trust

14) Don't self-harm under the guise of humility or humour around me

15) I need time alone

16) I need space that is my own, both indoors and outdoors

17) I assess conversations on the triforce of communication as an internal tool

18) It's often hard but good for me to take space or levity in a hard conversation

19) As I wrote earlier, don't make assumptions about my actions or feelings. They will be challenged

19b) If you aren't ok with the above, just... spend time with someone else. There are so many other people who will get along with you better

20) I super enjoy deconstructing behaviours, thoughts, and actions

21) I generally end up one step further "meta" in the conversation than my conversational partners

22) I still ask "why" and "what's going on" all the time, I never outgrew that

23) When something stresses me or overwhelms me, my mind shuts down or deflects

24) I don't always know what's going to bother me in advance, but I can guess

25) I like escape routes

26) I like plans

27) I like contingency plans: the best time to make stressful decisions is when there aren't also environmental stressors occurring

28) I know that not every eventuality can be planned for so I won't waste energy trying to cover every possibility

29) There are ways of speaking with me that make things much easier for me and ways which make things much harder

30) I work through things in language, preferably talking to someone, though I can sometimes write too. This process isn't a commitment to anything I say within the process

31) I really like knowing little things about what you think or what happened to you

32) I can't do routine but I can do habit and periodicity

33) I like data

34) I generally like people

35) I generally don't trust people to make decisions for me; no humans are good at knowing what will work for me or not

36) I'll always like plants more than you. Sorry. They'll also always be more important to me than you are, think primary partner-style

Comments

[squirrelitude]

« I'll always like plants more than you. »

Haha, I like the ambiguity, and then the swift clarification. :-)

[greenstorm]

Actually still ambiguous. Like and priority are v different for me :)

[yarrowkat]

i get teased around here for saying things like "there's a 50% chance of Cal" re: events (like tomorrow's party, where i actually think it's more like a 20% chance - could happen, probably won't, and because i already think there's a 20% chance, i won't be upset if they don't show up, but delighted if they do - i think i use it as a disappointment-deflector, expectation-alignment tool)

[greenstorm]

Yes. Absolutely an expectation-alignment tool. They say autistic folks think in black and white, and I was thinking of this as a calibration tool for my divergent brain, but it seems so useful for so many things. In jobs it's very helpful to ask "does that need to be ab 80% perfect job, or 95% perfect", when planning hangouts it's so great to say "I'll 85% be there, I'll let you know day-of" (my PDA really appreciates not having a hard line, so I'm usually more able to do the thing).

Anyhow, it's neat you do that too. :)

[yarrowkat]

yeah, it almost invariably makes people laugh, but i find it really useful. "expectations are premediated disappointments," said a lover a long long time ago, and i have found it useful to remember that and calibrate my own & others expectations as close to reality as i can acheive.

[greenstorm]

No one's ever laughed at it from me; they always accept it as a part of regular communication, though few will volunteer it themselves on their own.

Realistic expectations are so helpful! But also, side-eye to your lover, expectations generally are a normal and fundamental part of human interaction and we should be able to expect help and love from folks around us.

[yarrowkat]

i say, "there's a 50% chance of Matie" and i hear "what, Matie's weather now?" and, well, sure. she can be weather, we all can. if i say "there's a 50% chance i'll have time for that" i hear "okay, i'll make another plan."

so that works.

and yes you are right about that expectations statement, and also it is useful as a reminder that unrealistic expecatations are preventable at least some of the time and it is worthwhile to a) speak clearly about what i can actually commit to (especially in romantic contexts where there's so much subtext) so that others aren't disappointed later, and b) request the same from others. i think it's less a matter of "don't have expectations" and more one of "state them clearly and if possible, check in about whether they're aligned."

[greenstorm]

Bwaha. I guess this is where my "typical" autism helps. I read those communications at face value, as expressions of confusion rather than teasing, and so I answer, "well, isn't she?" and they're like, "yeah, especially Matie, I guess you're right"

And I guess to circle around about expectations, I just want people in my life who know themselves well enough to know how to answer things _about themselves_ better than I would, when I ask them. Bah. Humans. apparently I'm whiny this morning.

[yarrowkat]

i would love it if everybody could answer questions about themselves better than i could speculate about them but it's pretty hit or miss, alas.

[greenstorm]

I need more hits. It would be such a novel experience.