Angst, Ick, and Gah?
Jul. 17th, 2003 05:46 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
greenstormI've realised that I have been using this journal as a dumping ground lately. That is, I've been putting all the bad moments into it and not spending much time on the good.
Sure, some of that's because I've been having good moments in good company lately and the last thing I want to do is get up and run to the computer -- bit of a change, I know, but accept it. ;)
In general, though, I'm not too happy with the trend. I haven't been hitting too many really happy peaks lately and that may be just because I'm not sitting down to write and/or think about the good stuff in my life -- there's quite a bit.
A lot of mood seems to come from a conscious decision on where to focus my thoughts. I can choose to think about how apprehensive I am about the Exotic's return, I can choose to anticipate my date with the SO or the opening of the yellow roses or the folk fest, I can choose to think about how nice the sun is on my skin when I go lie in it to read. Back in the bad old days I'd internalised this idea and I had to focus on the good things and keep my mind disciplined, just because it really was necessary.
Recently I guess I've been lazy, letting externals sweep my mind wherever they want to take it, and I've been able to afford that because externals have been so nice. It keeps me out of control, though, buffeted about like a kite while my will tugs all futile on a string far below. Time to own myself again.
Man, all this talk about ownership lately would have sounded so intimidating to myself six months ago. It's so stern and schoolteacherish, you almost expect me to be waving a ruler around. The concept doesn't feel like that at all; the words come out very unfortunately.
As part of this thinking about good things routine, I'm going to give myself some nice things to think about in the next little while. They are:
o coding homework (you bet, fun fun fun experiencing an altered mindstate...)
o yummy food for dinner
o date with the SO imminent
o time at the Other House imminent
o the muscles in my arms feel used/tired/nice right now
o I like sunshine!
o I feel like a complete person when I interact with others
o recent cool RP
Yeah. It's not a sharp ecstatic peak, but this is definitely a good comfortable complacent-ish sort of nice mindset. Feels... smooth.
I think I get less coherent when I'm happy.
Sure, some of that's because I've been having good moments in good company lately and the last thing I want to do is get up and run to the computer -- bit of a change, I know, but accept it. ;)
In general, though, I'm not too happy with the trend. I haven't been hitting too many really happy peaks lately and that may be just because I'm not sitting down to write and/or think about the good stuff in my life -- there's quite a bit.
A lot of mood seems to come from a conscious decision on where to focus my thoughts. I can choose to think about how apprehensive I am about the Exotic's return, I can choose to anticipate my date with the SO or the opening of the yellow roses or the folk fest, I can choose to think about how nice the sun is on my skin when I go lie in it to read. Back in the bad old days I'd internalised this idea and I had to focus on the good things and keep my mind disciplined, just because it really was necessary.
Recently I guess I've been lazy, letting externals sweep my mind wherever they want to take it, and I've been able to afford that because externals have been so nice. It keeps me out of control, though, buffeted about like a kite while my will tugs all futile on a string far below. Time to own myself again.
Man, all this talk about ownership lately would have sounded so intimidating to myself six months ago. It's so stern and schoolteacherish, you almost expect me to be waving a ruler around. The concept doesn't feel like that at all; the words come out very unfortunately.
As part of this thinking about good things routine, I'm going to give myself some nice things to think about in the next little while. They are:
o coding homework (you bet, fun fun fun experiencing an altered mindstate...)
o yummy food for dinner
o date with the SO imminent
o time at the Other House imminent
o the muscles in my arms feel used/tired/nice right now
o I like sunshine!
o I feel like a complete person when I interact with others
o recent cool RP
Yeah. It's not a sharp ecstatic peak, but this is definitely a good comfortable complacent-ish sort of nice mindset. Feels... smooth.
I think I get less coherent when I'm happy.
