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greenstormWhen someone asks are you okay they mean one of two things. They can mean are you happyor they can mean will you live through this.
I haven't yet met something I couldn't live through. Should I knock on wood, saying that? Either way this is a tough time for me. Sinking into despair would be a welcome relief but I seem to have lost the gift even with enough sad music and two hours' sleep. Where does that leave me? Feeling bad and wanting to find a solution as quickly as possible so I can stop.
The problem is that the solution to this may be a pretty serious one. It may be a big change, it may be that I need to admit an enormous failure on my part. It may be that I've made an unconscionable mistake, playing with someone's life. Or... what? It may be a small communication failure that I just can't resolve with what is left in me right now and that I can't depend on the other person to resolve. It may just be that I'm feeling bad and everything will be fine tomorrow.
I think one of the problems with being a reasonable person who works really hard to do things right (don't laugh, I only do this sometimes) is that people come to rely on you doing that. When you stop, when you take a break, they haven't learned how because they have had no need to, and so they can't take up the slack. Once you start you have to continue. Forever? I don't know. Maybe I'm just a bad teacher.
I wish I had some advice. The SO should be coming home soonish. Everyone else here is asleep, oblivious, the way people should be at 8am when they've gone to sleep at 4.
So, until he gets here?
I feel used. I feel drained of sympathy and caring and love until there's nothing left, guilt-tripped for it, and then kicked off until recover to start the whole cycle again.
I feel used. I feel shoehorned into someone's unrealistic expectations, unconsulted, and assaulted until I break them -- not because I fit the expectations, but because I'm the only one who'll knuckle under to them, because I'm too busy trying not to hurt people to set things straight. I guess that would be my fault, not setting things straight in the beginning. Relationships are only 50/50 if neither party really wants or needs something -- if you're the one that needs something you need to do thr work for it.
I feel used. I feel my good efforts have been betrayed, ignored and subverted, that I'm being baited into giving someone else the masochistic satisfaction of being maliciously hurt so that they can feel better, having pointed the finger, and can then say, 'I told you you were a bad person' and so control me.
I feel sad. I don't want to feel this way, I don't like questioning people's motives, especially their subconscious ones. Is this what humanity comes down to always, in the end? It makes me feel terrible to be thinking this way, that it's a game where someone is trying to come out on top. Most people are actually actively trying their best to be functional, to be productive around issues, to love me? Right?
I feel alone. Isolated, I suppose, and not lonely. I don't know how many people I trust to tell this whole thing to. I know no one can solve it for me. I'm pretty sure no one can actually understand the intensity and the subtleties of it both at once and I do crave understanding so often.
I want my mom. Not literally, or... maybe so? She'd be most likely to understand. But that feeling of being cradled, of being safe, of someone taking care of me... it seems like some sort of impossible figment of the imagination that it could ever happen. Someone to tuck me into bed, to being me tea and a book, to answer the phone and say, just, no. A screen between me and the world, just for an hour? Just so I can rest, a little? Reassurance that I'm not a terrible person for setting down the burden for just a little bit?
It doesn't work that way, of course. I don't think I could put this aside so easily. Realistically I'm kind of abdicating my responsibility right now. He's hurt, he needs me, and I'm not helping him. Doing that for longer... that wouldn't help. It would just make me feel worse. More guilty, for.. what? Stringing him along? Fuck it, I can't deal with this. How can I feel guilty for not living up to a construct of me in someone else's head? How can I feel guilty for not doing something I never said I'd do, not in a million years?
Easily, I guess.
This isn't helping. I'm going to go wait for the SO. Wish me luck today. Just... luck. With luck it's nothing, or at least bearable.
Love.
I haven't yet met something I couldn't live through. Should I knock on wood, saying that? Either way this is a tough time for me. Sinking into despair would be a welcome relief but I seem to have lost the gift even with enough sad music and two hours' sleep. Where does that leave me? Feeling bad and wanting to find a solution as quickly as possible so I can stop.
The problem is that the solution to this may be a pretty serious one. It may be a big change, it may be that I need to admit an enormous failure on my part. It may be that I've made an unconscionable mistake, playing with someone's life. Or... what? It may be a small communication failure that I just can't resolve with what is left in me right now and that I can't depend on the other person to resolve. It may just be that I'm feeling bad and everything will be fine tomorrow.
I think one of the problems with being a reasonable person who works really hard to do things right (don't laugh, I only do this sometimes) is that people come to rely on you doing that. When you stop, when you take a break, they haven't learned how because they have had no need to, and so they can't take up the slack. Once you start you have to continue. Forever? I don't know. Maybe I'm just a bad teacher.
I wish I had some advice. The SO should be coming home soonish. Everyone else here is asleep, oblivious, the way people should be at 8am when they've gone to sleep at 4.
So, until he gets here?
I feel used. I feel drained of sympathy and caring and love until there's nothing left, guilt-tripped for it, and then kicked off until recover to start the whole cycle again.
I feel used. I feel shoehorned into someone's unrealistic expectations, unconsulted, and assaulted until I break them -- not because I fit the expectations, but because I'm the only one who'll knuckle under to them, because I'm too busy trying not to hurt people to set things straight. I guess that would be my fault, not setting things straight in the beginning. Relationships are only 50/50 if neither party really wants or needs something -- if you're the one that needs something you need to do thr work for it.
I feel used. I feel my good efforts have been betrayed, ignored and subverted, that I'm being baited into giving someone else the masochistic satisfaction of being maliciously hurt so that they can feel better, having pointed the finger, and can then say, 'I told you you were a bad person' and so control me.
I feel sad. I don't want to feel this way, I don't like questioning people's motives, especially their subconscious ones. Is this what humanity comes down to always, in the end? It makes me feel terrible to be thinking this way, that it's a game where someone is trying to come out on top. Most people are actually actively trying their best to be functional, to be productive around issues, to love me? Right?
I feel alone. Isolated, I suppose, and not lonely. I don't know how many people I trust to tell this whole thing to. I know no one can solve it for me. I'm pretty sure no one can actually understand the intensity and the subtleties of it both at once and I do crave understanding so often.
I want my mom. Not literally, or... maybe so? She'd be most likely to understand. But that feeling of being cradled, of being safe, of someone taking care of me... it seems like some sort of impossible figment of the imagination that it could ever happen. Someone to tuck me into bed, to being me tea and a book, to answer the phone and say, just, no. A screen between me and the world, just for an hour? Just so I can rest, a little? Reassurance that I'm not a terrible person for setting down the burden for just a little bit?
It doesn't work that way, of course. I don't think I could put this aside so easily. Realistically I'm kind of abdicating my responsibility right now. He's hurt, he needs me, and I'm not helping him. Doing that for longer... that wouldn't help. It would just make me feel worse. More guilty, for.. what? Stringing him along? Fuck it, I can't deal with this. How can I feel guilty for not living up to a construct of me in someone else's head? How can I feel guilty for not doing something I never said I'd do, not in a million years?
Easily, I guess.
This isn't helping. I'm going to go wait for the SO. Wish me luck today. Just... luck. With luck it's nothing, or at least bearable.
Love.
