Irreconcilable Differences
May. 30th, 2006 05:03 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
greenstormOne of the things that people do is wander around asking, how are you? I was brought up short by this question yesterday, and continue to feel strange about it today, because the answer is a weird and complex one.
It's usually a question I answer very generally-- really well or an expressive grimace are the two possibles. Still, I usually try to answer it with some level of accuracy.
The problem right now is, I can't quite tell what the answer is.
The last couple of weeks have involved some trademark Greenie-style rocket-speed relationship changes. Unlike my other self-initiated relationship changes, this isn't about adding something safe, or stepping forward only when there's reasonably solid relationship ground beneath my feet. This is me saying, dudes, there's this bit about me that's not gonna change and that I'm not gonna compromise on at the core, so make your choices. I was fully expecting to be single by the next day when I said it. That hasn't happened.
What I did was amazingly empowering for me. It was necessary, it's a burden lifted from me that I didn't quite realise I was carrying. It's scaryscaryscary, it's hurt people, I went about it badly and at a bad time, and I'm still fighting my social conditioning (and general public opinion) on it. So, it's not all good.
So, how am I? I'm in a transition phase. I tend to turn a lot of my responses off at points like these, because I'm very highly emotionally reactive. I just cannot deal with swinging up and down and up and down until the dust settles a little (to mix metaphors in a way that should get me shot). So, the reactive switch in my brain turns off, and I go about my business and wait.
Waiting in this mode tends to mean that I get really stupid. I'm deliberately not reacting, and I tend to apply this a little too generally. I don't really do *anything* for awhile. If stuff happens that really needs a reaction, often I don't even notice.
On the other hand, where I'm going is where I want to be. This is a break (with the past) and a change. The place I'm going, whatever it might look like from here, right now, will bve undeniably better than where I was a couple of weeks ago. I will be more integral, more honest, more forthright, and more complete than I was then, and my presentation will more fully line up with who I actually am.
On the first hand, right now I'm pretty trashed, emotionally and physically. I'm busy all the time, I'm not sleeping enough, I'm not spending time emotionally connecting to people because I can't right now because my emotional stuff is sort of on hold.
So. That's how I am. Party line: I'm not too bad.
The song of the moment:
"Sometimes You Can't Make It On Your Own"
Tough, you think you've got the stuff
You're telling me and anyone
You're hard enough
You don't have to put up a fight
You don't have to always be right
Let me take some of the punches
For you tonight
Listen to me now
I need to let you know
You don't have to go it alone
And it's you when I look in the mirror
And it's you when I don't pick up the phone
Sometimes you can't make it on your own
We fight all the time
You and I...that's alright
We're the same soul
I don't need...I don't need to hear you say
That if we weren't so alike
You'd like me a whole lot more
Listen to me now
I need to let you know
You don't have to go it alone
And it's you when I look in the mirror
And it's you when I don't pick up the phone
Sometimes you can't make it on your own
I know that we don't talk
I'm sick of it all
Can - you - hear - me - when - I -
Sing, you're the reason I sing
You're the reason why the opera is in me...
Where are we now?
I've still got to let you know
A house still doesn't make a home
Don't leave me here alone...
And it's you when I look in the mirror
And it's you that makes it hard to let go
Sometimes you can't make it on your own
Sometimes you can't make it
The best you can do is to fake it
Sometimes you can't make it on your own
It's usually a question I answer very generally-- really well or an expressive grimace are the two possibles. Still, I usually try to answer it with some level of accuracy.
The problem right now is, I can't quite tell what the answer is.
The last couple of weeks have involved some trademark Greenie-style rocket-speed relationship changes. Unlike my other self-initiated relationship changes, this isn't about adding something safe, or stepping forward only when there's reasonably solid relationship ground beneath my feet. This is me saying, dudes, there's this bit about me that's not gonna change and that I'm not gonna compromise on at the core, so make your choices. I was fully expecting to be single by the next day when I said it. That hasn't happened.
What I did was amazingly empowering for me. It was necessary, it's a burden lifted from me that I didn't quite realise I was carrying. It's scaryscaryscary, it's hurt people, I went about it badly and at a bad time, and I'm still fighting my social conditioning (and general public opinion) on it. So, it's not all good.
So, how am I? I'm in a transition phase. I tend to turn a lot of my responses off at points like these, because I'm very highly emotionally reactive. I just cannot deal with swinging up and down and up and down until the dust settles a little (to mix metaphors in a way that should get me shot). So, the reactive switch in my brain turns off, and I go about my business and wait.
Waiting in this mode tends to mean that I get really stupid. I'm deliberately not reacting, and I tend to apply this a little too generally. I don't really do *anything* for awhile. If stuff happens that really needs a reaction, often I don't even notice.
On the other hand, where I'm going is where I want to be. This is a break (with the past) and a change. The place I'm going, whatever it might look like from here, right now, will bve undeniably better than where I was a couple of weeks ago. I will be more integral, more honest, more forthright, and more complete than I was then, and my presentation will more fully line up with who I actually am.
On the first hand, right now I'm pretty trashed, emotionally and physically. I'm busy all the time, I'm not sleeping enough, I'm not spending time emotionally connecting to people because I can't right now because my emotional stuff is sort of on hold.
So. That's how I am. Party line: I'm not too bad.
The song of the moment:
"Sometimes You Can't Make It On Your Own"
Tough, you think you've got the stuff
You're telling me and anyone
You're hard enough
You don't have to put up a fight
You don't have to always be right
Let me take some of the punches
For you tonight
Listen to me now
I need to let you know
You don't have to go it alone
And it's you when I look in the mirror
And it's you when I don't pick up the phone
Sometimes you can't make it on your own
We fight all the time
You and I...that's alright
We're the same soul
I don't need...I don't need to hear you say
That if we weren't so alike
You'd like me a whole lot more
Listen to me now
I need to let you know
You don't have to go it alone
And it's you when I look in the mirror
And it's you when I don't pick up the phone
Sometimes you can't make it on your own
I know that we don't talk
I'm sick of it all
Can - you - hear - me - when - I -
Sing, you're the reason I sing
You're the reason why the opera is in me...
Where are we now?
I've still got to let you know
A house still doesn't make a home
Don't leave me here alone...
And it's you when I look in the mirror
And it's you that makes it hard to let go
Sometimes you can't make it on your own
Sometimes you can't make it
The best you can do is to fake it
Sometimes you can't make it on your own
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no subject
Date: 2006-05-31 12:16 am (UTC)I'd say "take care of yourself" but that seems exactly like what you are doing.
*hugs*
no subject
Date: 2006-05-31 12:26 am (UTC)How am I?
Date: 2006-05-31 02:37 am (UTC)I have a whole bunch of possibilities running around my head in terms of career and business and permaculture and earthponds and greywater systems and such, and want to touch base with you - when you're back.
Enjoy this time - even if that means you put some stuff on hold for the moment. You've been wanting a course - this course - this experience and knowledge - for what feels like far longer than I've known you. I know - I've wanted to experience it through you (locked in my stupid 9-5). Live for this experience, and know that things will turn out as they are meant to.
Thanks
Date: 2006-05-31 05:47 am (UTC)Hugs
Date: 2006-05-31 06:53 pm (UTC)