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greenstormAfter last night's weird overcast storminess in my head, I'm feeling fully awake and aware for the first time in a little while now. It actually feels like those metaphors; you know, washed clean, eyes open, awakened. There is a clarity both to my actual vision and, slowly advancing, in my head.
Blue Rodeo, by the way, has a song that's particularly poignant for me right now called Bad Timing. Yes, I do seem to be stepping through that Greatest Hits CD. No, it's not deliberate.
I think I want to ramble a bit, specifically about the anatomy of an episode like the one I've experienced fairly recently. There's a lot I don't know, despite self-tracking quite a bit. I'm not sure of what the triggers are, for example; I have a sneaking suspicion that it's either a reaction to being too high/happy for too long, or to not having emotional intensity for too long (intensity either in a direct sense from bad stuff, or 'fake intensity' from angsty roleplay or pain bottoming or whatnot).
Either way, when I notice what's going on, it feels like an inability to think clearly. My mind says things that I know are not true; it says 'everyone hates you' and 'you are alone' and 'no one does nice things for you' and 'you're ugly' 'everything sucks' and 'everyone resents you'. I know these things are not true; it's more or less the opposite, in fact. I've paid a lot of focused, rational attention to my life over the last couple of years, mostly because my brain does come up with these things, and these strong emotional feelings that take over most of my consciousness need a lot to dislodge them. But--
When I poke at these thoughts/feelings, I notice that the thoughts attached will shift around from one negative thought to another, but that the general crappy feelings remain. I read this as my mind attempting to justify feeling bad. It used to be really annoying for people around me, because I went to the place of 'I feel bad; someone must have done something wrong.' Thing is, no one did anything differently from when I was feeling good, so I had to magnify little irritants into major things that, when rational, I didn't actually mind. It must have been intensely frustrating for them; it was for me, because no one is perfect, and everyone around me seemed to have these huge glaring bad bits.
Now that I've learned how this works, in the last couple of years, I can put a lid on the justification. I can say to myself (when I notice; it sometimes takes a bit to realise that I've turned hypercritical) 'yo, Greenie, you're feeling bad; don't think about anything for a bit'.
Not thinking works to avoid lashing out at people. Still, I can't logically work myself out of the rut, because, well, there is no room in my head for logic. Thinking and feeling anything is like wading through hip-deep mud, or watching a movie through a screen of static. There's a ton of intense distraction and slowing going on, and it just sits there on the top of my neck as if the sky had just fallen on me.
If I have enough self-discipline, I can go through the physical motions of my life at this point, smiling at people and saying normal cheerful things, and it goes away. That takes intense amounts of discipline, though, and I only sometimes have that.
If I don't, the best course is to ride the intensity down safely. I listen to angsty music and dance, I find dark roleplay or a book that makes me cry. I dwell, for a bit, on the terrible things that have happened. After a little bit I feel terrible, a little bit longer and I feel like what I'm doing is ridiculous and life is good, and the episode is over. If it's late at night, sleep will help get rid of the aftereffects. If it's not, a little time alone will.
So, there we go. That's what goes on in my brain sometimes.
Blue Rodeo, by the way, has a song that's particularly poignant for me right now called Bad Timing. Yes, I do seem to be stepping through that Greatest Hits CD. No, it's not deliberate.
I think I want to ramble a bit, specifically about the anatomy of an episode like the one I've experienced fairly recently. There's a lot I don't know, despite self-tracking quite a bit. I'm not sure of what the triggers are, for example; I have a sneaking suspicion that it's either a reaction to being too high/happy for too long, or to not having emotional intensity for too long (intensity either in a direct sense from bad stuff, or 'fake intensity' from angsty roleplay or pain bottoming or whatnot).
Either way, when I notice what's going on, it feels like an inability to think clearly. My mind says things that I know are not true; it says 'everyone hates you' and 'you are alone' and 'no one does nice things for you' and 'you're ugly' 'everything sucks' and 'everyone resents you'. I know these things are not true; it's more or less the opposite, in fact. I've paid a lot of focused, rational attention to my life over the last couple of years, mostly because my brain does come up with these things, and these strong emotional feelings that take over most of my consciousness need a lot to dislodge them. But--
When I poke at these thoughts/feelings, I notice that the thoughts attached will shift around from one negative thought to another, but that the general crappy feelings remain. I read this as my mind attempting to justify feeling bad. It used to be really annoying for people around me, because I went to the place of 'I feel bad; someone must have done something wrong.' Thing is, no one did anything differently from when I was feeling good, so I had to magnify little irritants into major things that, when rational, I didn't actually mind. It must have been intensely frustrating for them; it was for me, because no one is perfect, and everyone around me seemed to have these huge glaring bad bits.
Now that I've learned how this works, in the last couple of years, I can put a lid on the justification. I can say to myself (when I notice; it sometimes takes a bit to realise that I've turned hypercritical) 'yo, Greenie, you're feeling bad; don't think about anything for a bit'.
Not thinking works to avoid lashing out at people. Still, I can't logically work myself out of the rut, because, well, there is no room in my head for logic. Thinking and feeling anything is like wading through hip-deep mud, or watching a movie through a screen of static. There's a ton of intense distraction and slowing going on, and it just sits there on the top of my neck as if the sky had just fallen on me.
If I have enough self-discipline, I can go through the physical motions of my life at this point, smiling at people and saying normal cheerful things, and it goes away. That takes intense amounts of discipline, though, and I only sometimes have that.
If I don't, the best course is to ride the intensity down safely. I listen to angsty music and dance, I find dark roleplay or a book that makes me cry. I dwell, for a bit, on the terrible things that have happened. After a little bit I feel terrible, a little bit longer and I feel like what I'm doing is ridiculous and life is good, and the episode is over. If it's late at night, sleep will help get rid of the aftereffects. If it's not, a little time alone will.
So, there we go. That's what goes on in my brain sometimes.
